Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Evening

I have tried to pack boxes but all I do is cry. I am alone tonight for the first time ever. This really sucks. Time to get drunk and forget. I'm not sure there is enough wine to make me forget how it was.

This too shall pass. But my night is so hard.

Going Nuts for Love

It isn't what it sounds like. I took my daughter-in-love to pick out her Christmas present - a bike. I wanted her with me so that she could pick what she wanted and what would fit her well. If Tom were here - he would have taken her to the local cycle shop and let her pick what she wanted. Price would not have mattered. It's what I did. The bike she picked was perfect for her. Hot pink, basket on the front, comfortable. After she rode off home and Joe took off to follow her, I talked to Tom.

I did what Tom would have done and it made me cry. Missing him has not stopped. I don't cry all the time - but days like today make me miss him so much. He would have made wise cracks about the bike and had everybody laughing. He knew how to make life fun. He went nuts for love. We were one person. So today - I went nuts for love. I love him and I love her.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Theme for the new year

When I saw my counselor, he wanted to know what my theme was going to be for 2011. After considerable thought, I think it is coming together. It won't be anything simple - lose 11 pounds in 2011. It has to be more 'me'.

Theme for the new year - it must be about being open to new thoughts and ideas. So many things have changed this year that next year will bring many opportunities to recreate my life. I must find the new 'normal'. It has to include allowing myself to change or delete old ideas. It isn't enough to allow new ones - I must adapt the old ones.

It has been a year of endings, deaths, pain. Something in 2011 must bring life, beginnings, and joy.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Coffee, paper, and a nonsucky day

Another day that doesn't suck. This makes several in a row. In fact, today is better than most. Coffee and paper with puppy in lap this morning. She wanted to help me read the paper which doesn't work too well. She likes to help me on the computer too. She loves me. I am devoted to her. She brings a fun kind of laughter to my heart that I have missed for so long.

I need to start thinking seriously about getting this house in order. I have let it go so badly. Time to change. It's a bit overwhelming but Lizzy and I can do it. I will clean and she will drag things around and mess things up. A perfect partnership.

Monday, December 27, 2010

New Grief

I have lost my wig. Now this is a major loss. I have checked the back yard in case the puppy got it - not there. I have checked everywhere in the house she might have dragged it - nope. This is a mystery and a grief. I loved that wig.

It is easy to see that life is getting better. I feel so much more alive. Part of me feels guilty because I am finding joy without Tom. I loved him. I love him. But I am alive and it can't always be sad. Days will come when sadness will rise to the top. But not today. I am going wig hunting in the house. Today I will laugh at the antics of a boston terrier puppy. I will drink coffee and maybe get another game of scrabble with Mom and Mary. Today - I will live in joy.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Yesterday was Christmas. It was a day for hope, love, and joy. Although I have been so sad and filled with grief, today was different. My sister gave me my husband's quilt. She had taken his favorite Hawaiian shirts and made of cover for the table at his memorial service. It is now the most beautiful quilt. Although I cried when I saw it. It was not grief or sadness. I just missed him and was holding a part of him in my hands. It was happy tears. God bless my sister.

Something has changed in me. Although it may change again, grief may bring tears, today I am happy. My puppy makes me laugh. My heart isn't heavy. I miss my kids at school. It is time to go on with life. Times will come when this isn't how I feel. But I will accept what I have today for what it is - - what I have today.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Merry Christmas!

What gifts do I have for a king today? Jesus - I give you my joy and my laughter, my hope and my praise. To you I give my sorrow, my grief, and my heartbreak. I give you me. Not just part of me - all of me.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

I know this will not be an easy day. But it will be a good day. My wonderful, amazing family will be there. My daughter-in-love, my son, my mother, my brothers and sisters. Jesus will be there. With Him, I can handle all things.

Friday, December 24, 2010


A day filled with laughter and smiles. Not ready for Christmas but ready to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. Went to service with the kids tonight and it was uplifting and joyful. I love my kids. Spoke with the pastor, it was good to be remembered after all these years. To hear my husband spoken of with respect and sadness. As difficult as all this is - I am surviving. In fact, I am more than surviving. I am beginning to thrive. Not stressed all the time. Not crying all the time. God will be here - and I will do well.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Good Day

Today was a good day. I have been concerned for my students and praying they are OK. Went to lunch, shopping, and nails with my daughter-in-law. Dinner with the kids. But, as much as this was good, it wasn't why it was a good day. I slept 14 hours and woke to a good day. I laughed without guilt. There was no fear of the future. I felt hope for the first time in quite awhile.

What was the turning point for this day? I don't know. But I want more of them. The laughter and fun was so good. I don't want to cry or make anyone else cry. The laughter was so filling and sweet.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

God's Love - with skin on it.

We live in a strange society. As empty and painfilled as I am - there is nothing I would not give to feel strong arms around me - holding me - comforting me. But our society has made this almost impossible. Men don't touch women - women don't touch men. We fear society's love affair with legal action. Whatever happened to letting ourselves be used to express God's love for others? A hug does not have to be - was never intended to be - a sexual invitation. It was/is meant to share comfort, strength, and friendship.

A friend once called a hug - God's love - with skin on it. When did we become so afraid to share this with others? The emptiness in my heart is so huge, so painful and there is nothing to change it - no one to ease it. When did hugs become a sin or a crime? I miss my friends from CREDO who would welcome me, ease my sadness, or simply show their love - with strong arms enfolding me. There is no more compassion in our society that is not dictated by legal action or fear of it. I need a father/friend right now. I love my female friends who share hugs sometimes. But something in me is calling for a dad. The strength and protection of a father. Instead - I am alone still.

Was Jesus afraid to touch people? I think not.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Empty house, empty chairs
Talk to the dog
Laugh with the fish
Left behind by more than death
Forgotten by life

Sunday, December 19, 2010

"Cute" T-shirts

Went to San Diego with my sister today. ."WHile waiting for flight bearing her kids, we went to Seaport Village. In the t-shirt shop I saw some cute shirts. One of them upset me badly. "Will sell husband for wine." I know it was a joke - but I was upset. I hear couples argue and make nasty comments and I want to stop them and let them know that life is too short for that. You never know when life will take a nasty turn and end abruptly.

Love your spouse. Hug them daily. Tell them you love them. Watch what you say. Don't let your last words be sarcastic or jokingly nasty. Not "Will sell husband for wine." Will get rid of wine for husband.

Friday, December 17, 2010

balance and storms

Just as dreary as this day. Trouble with house, trouble with loan, trouble with district, trouble with life. Not into Christmas but life goes on.
There's an emptiness the permiates every aspect of my life. Every part of me as a person is affected by Tom's death. Nothing is whole or complete. He was the other half of my heart and soul. He finished my sentences and helped me sort out the insanity of life. He was my shoulder to lean on, my rock to cling to when life was battering me like the waves of an ocean storm. My balance is missing. Not sure if I can get that back without him.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

neurtic mommy and mold

Went to show my younger sister the house I am trying to buy. I have never been so grateful for rain. There is a leak along the roof that is allowing water to get into the garage wall. There was water in the garage and spots of what look to be mold. Back to the owner to have them fix it before buying or I am not buying.

Lizzy got sick.It wasn't anything really. She got carsick and then was acting very strangely at home. She was hiding under the chair. Wouldn't come to me. Shaking. I took her straight to the vet. She is ok but they gave her a shot for nausea and said if it continues - bring her back. I am just a neurotic mommy. Couldn't stand the thought of her being sick or losing her. I just don't have it in me.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Got through another day. Got some understanding of the paycheck snafu but don't agree with how things are being done - by state law. Got an approved paystub and it looks like I am going to get my house. Went to the dentist and everyone was asking how Tom was doing. Very difficult to explain. I will get through it. I have an extraordinary family to help.

Met with Ken at the district office today. Very helpful and encouraging. Will go back to work in January - or lose my job. At least I am forewarned.

Monday, December 13, 2010

10:45 pm

Life is quiet tonight. Fire in the fireplace, dog in lap licking my arms/hands as I try to type, and tv going. Had my matzah ball soup for dinner - now a glass of wine. Thank you God for quiet moments.


Woke up a little after 4:00 and can't get back to sleep. Woke up with too much on my mind. Sometimes I wish my heart and mind could be locked away so I wouldn't think or feel anything unless I wanted to. Put everthing away in a safe or a box. I could take my heart out once or twice a day - feel whatever - and then put it away again. It could make me a little cold and unfeeling the rest of the time - but I wouldn't hurt either. I could confine the pain to times when I am not working, out with people, sleeping, etc... What a thought. I would only lock my mind up at night. It would be so much easier to sleep if it would just shut down for awhile.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Went to church today. Felt so alone and out of sync with everything and everyone. Cried too much. People were nice but it just isn't comfortable yet.

Sang about God the healer. Hard to get the words out - He didn't heal Tom. Actually He healed Tom perfectly but that isn't the healing I wanted. I wanted Tom to stay with me. My life is so upside down now. Before it was just difficult. Without him - impossible.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

work and house

If I don't go back to work, I don't get the house. If I go back to work, I may fall apart. I am so sad. Please, God, make it end. I am afraid of going back but I am more afraid of living in this house. I miss Radar.

Time to get rid of extra junk and pack those things I want to keep but don't need right now. House won't be before February.


I feel almost normal in some ways today. There is no lost feeling - no trapped in a haze feeling. It isn't that everything is OK - it is just different. I am missing Mom and Tom and Radar but not thinking of them all the time.

No word on the house yet. I have only heard that it 'looks good'. It will have to be enough for now. I need to get out of this house. Dear God, I need you too. Don't leave me alone.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Good Bye Radar

She is gone now. Radar has joined Mom and Tom. I am lonely for them. My sweet girl.

Another Sad Day?

Today is a bit of a hard day. I am taking one of the dogs to the vet to be evaluated because of behavior changes. She doesn't like men and that is ok with me. I can put her out or in her bed when men are going to be in the house. Lately - it is different. She has bitten me twice, attacked the other dog in the house, and went after a friend (female) last night. I don't trust her any more. This is a major insurance issue and safety issue for people in my house. What if she gets out? If she bites someone I can't pretend to be surprised and say she has never done it before. She has. She has bitten a couple of people other than me in the past. I am not sure I am prepared for the pain if I have to put her down. Too many losses already this year. But what if she hurts someone? As small as she is - it is possible to do great damage with those teeth of hers. God help me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas and Grief Share

Grief Share last night. Although it felt good to be able to talk with people who are going through this pain, it really caused the hole in me to feel bigger and more ragged around the edges. For days I have cried off and on all the time. Some spoke of dreaming of their lost one. I haven't. It would be wonderful but, it isn't happening. I would love to see his smile, hear his quirky humor, listen to his laughter one more time. I don't dream.

I went shopping for our Christmas giving. We set aside money each year to spend on those who don't have. There was no joy in mudville. I cried part of way over to drop the stuff off. This was OUR time together. We shopped for our angels together. We shopped for our special giving together. We wrapped gifts together. We chose gifts for his sister and niece together. No Mom, No Tom. How can there be a Christmas? I am going through the motions but spending most of it in tears. This isn't Christmas. This is a nightmare.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wednesday Revelations

There is apart of me that is not very nice. I am off work. I have income protection insurance. I am covered. However - the way in works in education - I get my regular days wage minus sub pay. My income protection insurance covers my difference.

Our district laid off teachers last year. These are the subs they are using. They get my whole paycheck. I am not even getting enough to cover retirement or union dues.

Although I am sorry the teachers lost their jobs - this is not right. A sub - by district contract - gets a certain wage. These subs are getting over 3 times that wage.

No - I am not nice.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tuesday Night

Sitting in my jammies in front of the fire while watching TV. It has been a long day but not a bad one. Tears have flowed off and on all day. Everything I am doing is related to Tom's death. I am looking for a house, dealing with credit errors, taking care of insurance issues, etc... None of these would be if he were still here. Well - the credit error would be but I probably wouldn't know about it. It is painful.

I did find a house that I wanted and put an offer in. Hopefully we can get it all together and get me moved out of this house with the new year. I love this house - but I can't afford it without Tom and it reminds me so much of him. We chose the ceiling fans together, the tiles on the floors, the paint on Mom's bedroom walls. It is all part of Tom. We sat forever figuring out which cabinets to buy. Which one's got pullouts and which didn't. It was a stressfull but wonderful time. Now - it's over and I am troubled trying to accept it.

Papers and chart notes and insurance OH MY!

There is a tiredness that descends into the soul when dealing with insurance companies. They want what they want and they want it yesterday. Having dealt with three different companies in the past months my weariness in beyond measure. Today I told them to just get it done. I called doctor's offices and medical records offices and told them that I really needed their help. Since insurance companies can't do their work without screwing it up - I helped them. Both places I called said they would help me out. We shall see.

I have been crying a lot lately. It seems that this weariness of the soul has affected my ability to maintain my composure. I miss Tommy - but this amount of crying is crazy. I think my heart is bleeding and the blood flows out at tears. If it continues - I may not have any blood left.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Movin On again

House I wanted is already sold. Looking ahead and going out shopping again tomorrow. There is a house out there just for me. It is just taking time to find it.

I am tired tonight. I think it is going to be an early night with a sleeping pill. A fire, the girls curled up with me, and sleep. Sounds so good.

Had to deal with crazy people today. They wrote off part of what my mother-in-love owed on the credit card. We split the difference. they put it against my credit and I just found out. Started the horrible crying the wears me out. Tom was so much better at dealing with idiots than me. I just do the best I can.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Yo-Yo days

It has been over two months since Tom died and I am beginning to feel like a yo-yo. Some days seem so hopeful while others seem bleak and sad. Although I am aware that life has been changed forever, I would truly enjoy some stability.

This is a journey that I have to take. There is no choice involved. No choice other than live through the journey - or end it now. Since ending my life is not an option - I must figure out better ways of coping with the journey. The pain will not just disappear. It is time for me to find joy in the midst of the pain and take better care of myself. I have not been doing a very good job of that. It is time.

Part one of the journey includes finding a house to call home and getting some of this unhealthy weight back off of me. (I have gained 30 pounds since Tom got sick in August)  I have found a house that I would like and have started that process. Today - I start working on the second half of that as well. I know that there will still be Yo-Yo days when it all seems to fall apart but, I will just have to pick myself up and keep going.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

late night turkey

Turkey is almost done. I started it really late and I am paying for it. It is almost 11:00pm.  I am excited though.. I really have wanted turkey.

We did all kinds of things at odd hours. It didn't matter what others might do. We always did our own thing. This is hard. I want him to do crazy things with me. There isn't the same fun and joy in it this time. I guess I can't change what iis - so I might as well change myself.

1 am - - - again

Yes - it's 1 in the morning again. The only reason I am awake is how full my mind is with all that is happening in life. Unfortunately - when I stay up late I eat and drink more. Not a good combination.

Why can't life ssettle down and make sense again. I used to love going to bed. It was comfortable and safe. Now, it's lonely and sad. Even with the new bed, it isn't right somehow. I still en dup on the couch 3 or 4 days a week.

I am lonely and I am scared. It should be possible for me to go back to work after the holidays and I am so frightened. My job is stressful. It takes so much out of me each day. I truly care about each child and thier education.. I care about their future and happiness. But the energy it requries of me is enourmous. I am not sure I can do it again. I spend so much time each day just keeping myself moving and breathing. A friend has told me that I should think about taking the rest of the year. Part of me wants to but I have responsibilities at work. These are my kids. But = right now - I can't stand the sound of children.

Will I ever be able to teach again?

Friday, December 3, 2010

new house?

It isn't what it should be - this life of mine. It simply is what it is. As much as I want to move on - I want to stay with my memories. I am not ready to leave Tom behind. I cry for no reason and feel guilty when I laugh. Is there no end to confusion and pain?

Looking at houses has been a distraction but finding one has caused such sorrow. It will be mine and no other's. Tom will not be in corners of the room, in the kitchen cabinets and floors. It will be my house. Not sure I can do this.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


It is almost 1am. I am sure that there are better things for me to be doing but I am up and watching a movie. It is an old movie that Tom and I enjoyed. Disney of course.

Once I dreamed of tomorrow.
You were there - with me.
We walked along quiet streets
Took time with all to see.

Now I dream of yesterday
When tomorrow was just a dream
You aren't here with me
Nothing is what it should be.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

yesterday - Lennon (sort of)

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,I'm not half the (wo)man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why (he) she had to go I don't know (he) she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.


Sitting in Bob's Big Boy with the kids this morning. The song 'Yesterday' started playing. Of course, Joe sang along. Suddenly neither of us could enjoy it.  I was crying. Joe was crying. It has a whole new meaning now.

This is not a good day - - - yet. Am going to look at some houses, see my kids again, visit with my sister, and clean house. It has possibilities.

I had no idea that life could hurt this bad. There are days when I think I am getting the hang of it and then there are days like this. I think I need to make bread. That should heal everything?