Tuesday, August 30, 2011

August - the end

Good-bye August. September is all but here. Am I ready for it? Already I plan his birthday. A day for me to grieve and pray and die. One day to feel sorry for me. One day to pity myself for all that I have lost.

Will I stay home, curled in a corner crying?
Will I go to the lake and fish as he would have wanted to do?
What will I do? I know not. Only know that I will be alone with my Tommy on that day. I will not pretend to be happy. Laughter will not be forced or feigned.

September is coming again. Your birthday love. Our day.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I am not crying.
I do not weep.
My heart is whole and beating strong.
Life continues with happiness and peace.
Still I grieve.
I can not think.
Thoughts jumble and creak in my brain.
Grief - so many faces - ever present.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


School starts tomorrow.
You will not be here but you will.
You will be in the love that I share with the kids.
You will be in the smiles shared with staff.
Your smile will fill me when stress overwhelms.
The twinkle that lit your eyes so often - will be before me always.
I will not be alone.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Not Silence

Can I say it? Can I tell you the truth?
Would you think less of me if I said what filled me?
It can not be said. It can not escape into the world.
Silence is the answer. Silence to the world at large.
Inside me - it rages. A storm that screams and moans in agony.
Loud, crashing, debilitating sound
I can not say it.
I can not write it.
But you know.
You know how I feel.
You know the reality of my pain.
Tommy - forgive and love me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Facebook Post

Someone wrote of Facebook - I don't know if they thought about it at all. It went like this

There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone back ... and spend the day with them ...just one more time, kiss them goodbye or hear their voice again or say things you wish you had said and told them how much you loved them. Copy and paste in remembrance of your loved ones who are not here..gone but never forgotten.

I would never really want you to come back. To love you would be wonderful - but to say good-bye again - I could not do that. Nor could I ask you to give up the Glory of God that shines on you daily.

I grieve your loss. I miss you being here with me. But - I would never ask you back. They were right about one thing - you are never forgotten.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Is it still today?
Am I still alone?
My tears are filling me
flooding my soul
Shouldn't I be happy yet?
Couldn't the pain and emptiness just go away?
Today? Yesterday? Tomorrow?
One the same as the other
Nothing changes
I drown in sorrow
My hopes are flooded with the tears of my loneliness.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Alone - again - still - forever

Alone again.
It isn't possible to be this lonely and live.
Is it?
I am alone
And I miss him so much.
He was the voice that comforted
The voice that cheered
The voice that filled me with hope and joy
I am alone
And I miss him.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Back to School

Why aren't you here?
Where did you go?
You need to be here with me. I need you.
Beginning a new year without your smile.
Your support made if possible
Could it be done without you?
Why do I try?

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Although I love and care for people
It is beyond my poor power to sympathize with those who hurt others because of their greed
I have been hurt
I have judged
And will be judged
But I have loved
And am loved
God alone knows the reasons
the follies
the pain
the joy
that is part and parcel of me

Monday, August 1, 2011

Count My Blessings

Out upon life's billows I've been tempest-tossed
Sometimes I'm discouraged, thinking all is lost
I try to count my blessings, name them one by one,
It really does surprise me what the Lord has done.

I count my blessings, name them one by one
I count my blessings, see what God has done
I count my blessings, name them one by one
I count my many blessings and see what God has done.

I have felt so burdened with a load of care.
The cross seemed too heavy I was called to bear.
I look upon my journey - all the battles won
And count my blessings knowing you are one.