Again - May 30

Again - I awake
Again - I sleep
Again - I pray
Again - I drink
Again - I slip into oblivion
Darkness slips over me
The day is over - Again

May 30

Tiredness creeps in like small spiders on my window
Silently
Slowly

Each yawn a reminder that sleep is coming soon
I am ready
Prepared

A day is finishing without protest or angst
Finished
Complete 

Dreams are preparing in invade my mind
Memories
Of you

May 29 - A New Beginning

Working has always been so stressful. I don't know how many times my mind thought of death. How many times did I break down and cry all the way home. Tom used to understand and then he was no more. Years of feeling like a coward because I wouldn't/couldn't stand up for my kids as I should. Years of being sick.

No more. 90 days to figure it out. Oh God - help us figure it out. I am done. I can't go back. I can't teach. I can't pretend. I can't lie. 

May 27

It has been a long day
A day filled with love
with laughter
with hope

It has been a long week
A week filled with frustration
with heartache
with grief

Will it end?
This long week's pain
It's heartache and grief?
Will it ever be over?

May 22

It had been a long day.
I am beginning to understand the damage that stress can do.
The pain in my hand had limited what I'm able to do. It is changed the way I function daily. pain had taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am right handed. Not being able to use my right hand is very difficult.

Nobody thinks about using their hands until they don't have one. I type with my hand, wash my hair with my hand, get out of the bathtub using my hand, do my hair with my hand, write with my hand, open doors with my hand, Et cetera...

I struggle to do any of these things any longer. It hurts and I am tired.

I am very tired. I am tired of pain and being tired.

Even work is a struggle for me any more. I can't do it. It causes more stress, more pain, and frankly I truly do not feel appreciated or what I do. Actually, I feel appreciated but not understood.

May 21

It has been so long since I have been here. So long since I have written what is in my heart and on my mind. There are times when words are not adequate for everything. These past weeks have been filled with those times.

I am sick. Not cancer, or rabies, or any other horrible disease. But, none the less, I am sick. Stress is causing my body to rebel and I can't take it any longer. It is time to call it quits. Time to move on and find another means of employment. My district doesn't care about me, my students, or any other special needs child. It is all money for them. Too many students in a classroom, too many students on a caseload, too many...

I am sick every day I work. After surgery, I was home for four weeks. I wasn't sick. A few days back at work and it all started again. Yesterday, I had a melt down. There was no way for my mind to contain the pain any longer. I fled my room! My assistants had to take over.

I am done.