Did the wind blow today? Though it was never felt things blew away. My peace, my energy. So tired and so sick.
When I started back to school it was to become a teacher. The first years that's what I was. It wasn't the best situation but I was a teacher. Right now - I feel like a revolving door. Too many kids to do the job I was hired to do. So much I want to do with them - so much to teach them. I love my kids. But today - the wind of tired blew away the covering that hid my sadness and grief. I have lost so much this past year - and today - I realized that I've also lost my dream.
My dream - a classroom of kids that needed to learn. Time to teach them. My class. Now - I don't have a class - I have two. One that looks to me for education and love. One that comes and goes with that invisible wind. I want to be a teacher again.
Good school. Good staff. Smiles and laughter. Just sick and sad.
That old invisible wind. It is still here. What will it bring? What will it take?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Winter or Summer
What would winter be without cold? Or summer without heat? Would they still be winter and summer? Though the temperature changes - the season would be the season it was - only different.
Children would not fly down hills on sleds or skate on ponds frozen by winter's rage. Yet - they would find things to do. They could fish in that self same pond. They could roll down the sledding hill feeling the grass tickle their bare legs and arms.
Were cold to come where summer dwelt - children would find things to do as well. They may not swim in a pool or run under waterfalls in the park - but they would be busy. They would bundle in their coats and go find cold things to do. They might sit before a fireplace and play a game.
Life would be different - but still life. People would adjust as people do to the changing of times.
What is my life without Tom? Is it not my life any longer - or is it just a different life? Winter or Spring - Life or Death. Still, whatever happens around me - I am myself. This is my life. I will adjust as all people do.
Children would not fly down hills on sleds or skate on ponds frozen by winter's rage. Yet - they would find things to do. They could fish in that self same pond. They could roll down the sledding hill feeling the grass tickle their bare legs and arms.
Were cold to come where summer dwelt - children would find things to do as well. They may not swim in a pool or run under waterfalls in the park - but they would be busy. They would bundle in their coats and go find cold things to do. They might sit before a fireplace and play a game.
Life would be different - but still life. People would adjust as people do to the changing of times.
What is my life without Tom? Is it not my life any longer - or is it just a different life? Winter or Spring - Life or Death. Still, whatever happens around me - I am myself. This is my life. I will adjust as all people do.
Monday, November 28, 2011
No Butt On My Dirt
There are days that stick out in my mind. We were hiking back East. Tom fell and slid a bit. He got up quickly, brushed himself off, and said, "There's no butt on my dirt". We never let him forget. The way to make even a tense moment lighter and more fun. Tom had a way of making even the darkest moment seem brighter and more possible.
Sweet dreams fill me. He swirls like clouds being blown and tossed by the wind. Swirls of his face move around me like autumn leaves at season's end, caressing and soothing my aching heart. His hands reach out over time and space and touch my face with a gentle love. He is here - always. His memory is part of me and fills me with joy. But the joy is always tinged with the sadness that reality brings. He is gone and will never walk on this earth again.But we will walk together in God's kingdom. I will see him as God created him. What a joy to look forward to.
Sweet dreams fill me. He swirls like clouds being blown and tossed by the wind. Swirls of his face move around me like autumn leaves at season's end, caressing and soothing my aching heart. His hands reach out over time and space and touch my face with a gentle love. He is here - always. His memory is part of me and fills me with joy. But the joy is always tinged with the sadness that reality brings. He is gone and will never walk on this earth again.But we will walk together in God's kingdom. I will see him as God created him. What a joy to look forward to.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
There is something wrong today. I hurt. I woke up hurting. It hasn't gone away. Why do I miss him so much after all this time? It was OK yesterday. Smiles and laughter have been real and I have been happy. But now - I am in tears and it won't stop. I miss him. I would rather live in tent without running water and heat - with him - than in this nice house without him.
I should be thankful for this house and my job, I have food, clothing, and insurance, all the major necessities of life. And here I sit- complaining about being alone. My heart is obviously not totally healed. And, just as obviously, there are things in life more important than 'things'. I have those in abundance. Sometimes I just forget to think about them.
I have a family that is always here for me. Sisters, brothers, and my mother. I have nieces and nephews that I love very much. I have friends and friendly acquaintances that bring smiles and laughter into my life. Work is place and an atmosphere that is comfortable and peaceful - even when it's crazy. My dogs love me even though I ignore them sometimes. My big ole Shilah seems to be coming around. She was afraid of everything and everyone when I got her last year. She wouldn't even come near me. Now - she edges up to my seat and begs to be petted. She doesn't run away when I stand up. She is beginning to feel safe with me. Lizzy is still a pain in the butt but a loving one.
Yes - I have much to be thankful for. I am also thankful that Tom did not linger here in pain. He is pain free and dancing before the Lord. Yes - dancing. Although some churches (ours included) don't approve of dancing in general - my Tommy is dancing in heaven. He isn't clumsy or crippled any more. I am so thankful for that. As much as I miss him - I would not wish him back the way he was.
There is something wrong today. I hurt. But I am better thinking of all my blessings than all my losses and pain.
Happy Thanksgiving All!
I should be thankful for this house and my job, I have food, clothing, and insurance, all the major necessities of life. And here I sit- complaining about being alone. My heart is obviously not totally healed. And, just as obviously, there are things in life more important than 'things'. I have those in abundance. Sometimes I just forget to think about them.
I have a family that is always here for me. Sisters, brothers, and my mother. I have nieces and nephews that I love very much. I have friends and friendly acquaintances that bring smiles and laughter into my life. Work is place and an atmosphere that is comfortable and peaceful - even when it's crazy. My dogs love me even though I ignore them sometimes. My big ole Shilah seems to be coming around. She was afraid of everything and everyone when I got her last year. She wouldn't even come near me. Now - she edges up to my seat and begs to be petted. She doesn't run away when I stand up. She is beginning to feel safe with me. Lizzy is still a pain in the butt but a loving one.
Yes - I have much to be thankful for. I am also thankful that Tom did not linger here in pain. He is pain free and dancing before the Lord. Yes - dancing. Although some churches (ours included) don't approve of dancing in general - my Tommy is dancing in heaven. He isn't clumsy or crippled any more. I am so thankful for that. As much as I miss him - I would not wish him back the way he was.
There is something wrong today. I hurt. But I am better thinking of all my blessings than all my losses and pain.
Happy Thanksgiving All!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Dinner Out
It has been a long journey since Tom died. There are days when I think, "I made it! I am done with grieving! Done with sadness. I have graduated." Then another day comes of sadness and tears. It may be just a moment, a fleeting glimpse of sorrow. Or, it could be a full-fledged smack in the face. They come and go.
I am not unhappy. There is a joy in me that does not end when grief returns. Facing sorrow with joy is different. I never knew they could coexist. But - they do.
Eating alone has not gotten much easier. I enjoyed my times out with Tom. We could laugh and talk about anything. Sometimes, we just ate and didn't speak at all for periods of time. Going out alone reminds me of everything I have lost in the past couple of years. I sit alone and just eat. There is no laughter or talking. Just me - eating. If a tear trickles down my face - what are people to know or think? Only in my heart is there knowledge and understanding. I want to scream at them sometimes - tell them to truly appreciate what they have. Don't take it for granted. I see the older couple and I want to scream out my jealousy. They sit there quietly talking and eating while I sit alone with a memory. That should be us - Tom and I. But it isn't. Would it be crazy to yell it out at them? Maybe - but I would feel better I think for having done it.
I am not unhappy. There is a joy in me that does not end when grief returns. Facing sorrow with joy is different. I never knew they could coexist. But - they do.
Eating alone has not gotten much easier. I enjoyed my times out with Tom. We could laugh and talk about anything. Sometimes, we just ate and didn't speak at all for periods of time. Going out alone reminds me of everything I have lost in the past couple of years. I sit alone and just eat. There is no laughter or talking. Just me - eating. If a tear trickles down my face - what are people to know or think? Only in my heart is there knowledge and understanding. I want to scream at them sometimes - tell them to truly appreciate what they have. Don't take it for granted. I see the older couple and I want to scream out my jealousy. They sit there quietly talking and eating while I sit alone with a memory. That should be us - Tom and I. But it isn't. Would it be crazy to yell it out at them? Maybe - but I would feel better I think for having done it.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
November the 5th day
Another week.
It has been hard since I haven't been feeling well. Sinus' are rough sometimes.
It was comforting to wrap up in Tom's quilt with a cup of coffee in the morning. It was peaceful and quiet. Lizzy curled up with me and just slept.
Will it ever seem normal. I don't know - but sometimes it feels good. Found one of Tom's uniform shirts in a bag of winter clothes. It was strange. No pain. Just a longing. Missing his company, his smile, his laughter. Longing for comfort sometimes. What does that look like - I don't know.
Lonely
It has been hard since I haven't been feeling well. Sinus' are rough sometimes.
It was comforting to wrap up in Tom's quilt with a cup of coffee in the morning. It was peaceful and quiet. Lizzy curled up with me and just slept.
Will it ever seem normal. I don't know - but sometimes it feels good. Found one of Tom's uniform shirts in a bag of winter clothes. It was strange. No pain. Just a longing. Missing his company, his smile, his laughter. Longing for comfort sometimes. What does that look like - I don't know.
Lonely
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)