September 3

It has been a long day already. Although I am tired, there is much to do. The house has not been put together since I moved in over a year ago. The laundry is in various stages of done and I am not ready for a week of teaching. Day by day I count down to the anniversary of Tom's death. Can't help it.

Two years ago - Tom was in rehab. He was doing well although he had suffered a massive migraine that left him confused for a while. He was in good spirits and planning on getting out in a week or so.

Two years ago - I had a husband who loved me and wanted my happiness. Two years ago - I was so stressed out that I didn't know if I was coming or going. School was good but I was new on campus and I was struggling to get things together while visiting Tom each day. Were it not for an administration that was compassionate and caring - I would not have made it. Teachers were encouraging and supportive.

Two years ago - I had not idea of a future without Tom. Two years... such a long time and a short time. Two years - how much can change in two years.

August 31

The last day of the month. The count down begins. Tom died one month from tomorrow at 11:25 pm. I was laying by his side on the bed. He stopped breathing and I knew. I knew. Life ended one month from tomorrow two years ago.

Two years ago - Tom was in the hospital. He had a blood clot but was now in rehab. He was doing so well. We thought he might die - but he wasn't. He was going to live. He was so happy to know that he would be going home in a week. One week. He was stronger, walking with his walker again. Laughing. Living.

Two years ago - I was a happy woman. There was stress to look forward to but a husband in my home and in my bed. Tommy - my love and my best friend.

Two years ago - life was difficult - but it was good.

Two years ago.

August 29

So quiet tonight. The tv is on, the phone has rung several times, but it is quiet. Quiet in my soul, my mind, my heart. Quiet and lonely.

No one can possibly understand the quiet loneliness that follows day upon day - night upon night. I don't say anything most of the time. It has been 2 years, who would understand but someone who has been there - done that. Loneliness like nothing I had ever known or understood. So empty.

Is life all bad? No. Some of it is truly wonderful. Teaching is a delight. The people I work with are awesome. They laugh and cry and play and make teaching fun. Truly enjoyable.

August 28

I did it. Speaking my mind (or writing it) can be a true release of emotional energy. However, it doesn't go over well. I simply can't be still any longer. I will speak my mind and heart - if people don't like it - they don't have to listen (or read). I will be me.

August 23

What's it all about Alfie?

Old song - same thoughts. What is it all about?

I am tired of trying to pretend that I love people. I don't. I love my siblings, my mother, my friends. But can't stand them at the same time. What's it all about - Becky?

My brother Clint is a prime example of a love/hate relationship. I loved him. He was my eldest brother. But I hated him - I was afraid of him. He was not always a nice person. He ruined my life. What was there to like? But - he was my brother. I loved him. In recent years - I almost like him sometimes - but there was always the memories in the back of my mind to keep me at arms length.

My sisters. The perfect ones. Those who make no mistakes and are always correct and I am always wrong. No matter what I think, or say, or do -- I will always be at fault or do something wrong - or say something wrong - or... there is no way around it. I truly love them. They aren't really perfect and they don't think they are - most of the time. But God help me - if I say something they don't like - or believe something they don't - or write something they don't agree with - I am the one with the problem.

My friends - God bless them. They let me be me - most of the time. They are much more forgiving and understanding than my family sometimes. But they aren't family. They are friends.

What's it all about - Becky?

I don't know what it's all about. Not really. However, I am tired. Tired of trying to keep peace, to be nice, to be polite, to be helpful, to be courteous, and to be something I am not. God help us all - I may not try any longer.

August 20

It has been a long 2 years. Two years ago, the first day of school, I got a call from the hospital. Tom was being moved to CCU because he wasn't stable. What a shock. A sub was called and I left. My first day of school, a new school, new staff, new students - and I left.

Tom survived - there was a blood clot - a new study - we learned what was wrong. I was back at school a few days later- but it never truly got better. He was cheerful, smiling when I would come. I loved him so much.

It isn't easy living alone - but I am doing it. He isn't here but he is in my heart. I am so tired of no one to talk to - no one to love - no one to share with. Missing him so much.

God, I am alone.

August 18

So long my brother.
You have deceived a world of people.
They believe you were a good man.
But we know - don't we?
We know what you really were.
Long ago.
Apologies??
Too little - too late.
Tell my sister - "I hurt people - tell them I'm sorry."
Tell me.
Don't send your message when you are safe beyond immediate reach.
Tell me.
You had the chance -
But you were silent.
You're sorry?
For what?
Did you say?
No?
No.
You were silent.
Let them believe you were a good man.
We know.
Don't we?

I love you. But I will never like you. You are/were a coward.
A coward.