November 7

A month has passed since I last posted. Maybe it's time to quit and move on. Maybe not. Sometimes I get tired of feeling, thinking, writing, posting. All of the time - I am tired and not sure why. But there are things I do know.

1. I am alive.
2. I am happy to wake up each morning at least 90% of the time.
3. God is faithful even when I am not.
4. Zoe is the most beautiful granddaughter in the world.
5. Amanda is an amazing daughter-in-love.
6. Joseph loves being a daddy and is very good at it.
7. The people I work with are the best.
8. My students bring me joy 90% of the time.(Sometimes they plain driving me crazy.
9. I love to create quilts.
10. I am not so good at sewing them.
11. My quilts/blankets are a work of the heart.
12. My great niece and nephew - Damian and Addison are dear to my heart.
13. My house is great.
14. My friends make me smile.
15. My sisters make me smile - all of them. Sue, Mary, Sally, Alberta, Sandy, Jacquie.
16. My brothers are pretty cool. Both of them - Tom and Bob
17. Losing my brother Clinton has put a dent in my heart.
18. I have way too many clothes.
19. I love teaching.
20. I am getting older and liking it.
21. I miss Tommy.
22. I miss Mama. Tom's mother.
23. I miss Daddy.
24. I miss Grandpa and Grandma Gray - still.
25. There will come a day when Christ will return and I will get to go home with those I miss. That will be a day of rejoicing for many.


More to follow.

October 7

October - amazing that so much time has passed. I passed Tom's birthday and the anniversary of his death. It was intentional. I was clothed in memories and unable to focus my heart for writing.

This was a hard time two years ago and it is a hard time now. Learning to live without Tom and without the income I was used to. It really was a double whammy. IT would be easier to live without the money if Tom were here. But he isn't. And - neither is the money.

Tom would not be happy with me right now. My budget is in a shambles, my house matches it, and I am not living for Christ as I should be. I don't like the idea that Tom would not be pleased with me. It is time to straighten things out and live according to God's Word. It is time to worship Him and not money.

It is time.

September 23

There are days when certain things come into greater focus and I see with a clarity that is not always available. Today is one of those days.

I have been sad for several days. Tom is never far from my thoughts and the loneliness wears at my soul. But God has a way to force my eyes to see what I have forgotten. I am redeemed. I do not have to live by the codes of this earth. Nor do I have to feel guilty because my heart is not in a day. God loves me just as I am and he loved me just as I was the day He saved me.

Tom is happy now. He is not in pain. He does not grieve. There is no sorrow in his heart. I shall see him again but, until then, it is OK for me to miss him. Guilt has plagued and divided me.

I am redeemed. I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb. There is therefore no condemnation - no fear - no guilt. It is OK to live another day. It is OK to grieve my loss. It is OK!

God is bigger than my pain. He is bigger than my sorrow. I am known from the inside out. What I don't understand of me - God does. Maybe someday - He will share it with me. Until then - I am confused, grieving, sorrowing, and OK in the sight of my God.

September 22

Crying again.

Learning to live on my income is worse than I thought. I have money going into my retirement that I may have to pull out. Broke and there is still another week until payday. It is time for me to learn how to and not to spend money. Sometimes I forget and buy things I shouldn't.

It will take time.

Two years I have walked alone..
Not alone
but alone
Tom is not here
And sometimes I don't let God be here either.
He stays though.
God knows I need Him.
It just feels alone.
Weariness overwhelms me
Weeping sends floods of tears through my soul
I drown in what I do not weep
And yet I weep rivers and flood my life with them.
Drowning - yes - I am drowning.
Again in grief
Again in loneliness
Again

I wrote this a few months ago - how true it remains.


Here I am again
Kneeling at Your feet.
Washing with my tears
Drying with my hair

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving You I come
Again

Walking in Your way
Hearing words of hope
Seeking all You say
Loving you - I come

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in Your Presence
Loving you I come
Again

Praying in the night
Singing of Your love
Crying out my pain
Crying out again

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving you I come
Again

September 20

It isn't easy to separate my life and my work. September has had some very difficult days. I have to focus on the students during the day but, over and over, Tom invades my thoughts and fills my heart.

I was to scream when the kids need more than I have to give. Of course, I give it to them but sometimes I can't focus. My heart and mind are on other things, people, and places. My memories return that haven't surfaced in so long. Tom laying beside me in bed, quiet moments watching a movie or a night sky, laughter at pure silliness. Could I be grieving? I know not.

It isn't easy being a widow and trying to live among those who aren't. When will they expect me to be sane and rational? When will the tears have to cease? Will they walk away when I mention him? How can I not mention the other half of myself?

Oh Tommy - it just isn't the same without you. Most of the time - I am OK. But lately it has gotten more and more difficult. It's like I'm going back in time and Tom is here - he is sitting in the living room. He is listening to a rehash of my school day and giving me words of wisdom to live by. He is tired - but doing well. We are talking future - He will live. Alaska, Singapore, Australia - all places we discuss and plan for. Alaska next summer - Singapore in a year or two. All memories - all gone.

September 9

Today I went to church. In fact, I went to my old church- a church where I feel at home. After Tom died - I left there. The pain was too much and I was angry. Angrier than I knew. Today, I was at peace. At least, with that church. I missed them. I missed the camaraderie, the smiles, the laughter. But mostly, I missed the Gospel being preached without apology, without showmanship, and without fear. The truth is the truth - and there is not other way to put that.

I miss Tom. He was a definite presence in my life. It was he that welcomed me when I came home from work and he who refocused me when I strayed off the path of sanity. These are things I need and miss. But - I do not grieve for him.

Tom is happy now and I can not grieve that. He is worshiping God forever. He walks with our daughter, his parents, my father, and others. I grieve not for him - but for me.

I miss him. But - I am happy. It is time to be happy more than I am not. It is time to worship my God and rejoice in His presence each day. There is more missing from my life than Tom. I have been missing a relationship with my God, my Savior, my Jesus.

September 8

Tommy is home - or he was two years ago. He was doing so well. There was no clue of what was coming in just a few, short weeks. He was handsome and gentle. It was good to come home and find him there. Our son and daughter-in-love came and helped him when I couldn't. Amanda was such a dream. She still is. She helped Tom with meds and kept him company sometimes.

Tom and I were talking about going to Alaska that following summer. We wanted to take a cruise. He had spent over 20 years in the Navy and he still wanted to take a cruise so that I could be with him. What a wonderful man he was.