A Letter

Got a letter from the Navy today. They want to know if I have remarried yet? Tom has been gone for 4 months - have I remarried?????

My heart is shocked and broken. What a cruel letter to send at this time. I miss him so much. Life is not the same.

Missing

It snuck up on me today.
Had I really almost forgotten?
Is it possible that life seemed normal suddenly?
I almost forgot my heart, my best friend is missing from my day.
It snuck up - I remembered.
Sudden, intense, corrosive sadness.
Grief does not go away.
It hides in the quiet places that are easy to ignore for awhile.
It does not leave.
It grows in the darkness.
Steps out and bites.

Students

Their laughter makes my day so sweet.
Sitting eager to hear me speak - minds ready to listen - to try at least
My students - my helpers
Knowing they are there, knowing they need me
Makes my day doable even when the pain cuts like a knife
When tears threaten behind my smile
Being needed - wanted
I can
I will
They are saving my sanity for another day
Filling some of the hole corroding my heart.

A gift of a memory

Sometimes memories are painful. Often they bring joy. At times - it's both. A memory sweet upon my mind, a smile, a lift of the chin that speaks laughter. Bright eyes - impish - humor filled. Oh how I miss that smile.

Today - the memory was sweet. But tears filled the air - electricity between hearts. A memory shared.

Sweet Day.

Ocean Waves

Grief - like the waves of the ocean - comes
The waves crash on the broken shore of my heart
Then leave - taking me piece by piece in the crush of the receding waters.
Tides of grief have no schedule, no pattern, no predictor
There is no way to prepare for the huge waves the hurdle toward the shores of my life.
The tides of grief were so close together - lasted so long - never thought to survive the onslaught.
Time has slowed the changing tides. More low tides, more peaceful waters.
But I know, the crashing, crushing, destructive waves will return again.
Once more I will ride the waves onto the shore, maybe one day - I will ride on top of the wave - free to enjoy the wind in my face, sunshine glistening on the water. One day - One day

Friday - at last

The end of a good week at school but a week with new struggles emotionally. I was notified that the insurance company has agreed with the accidental death portion of the claim. It means a little more money - but still no Tom. I was also notified that my mother-in-law and father-in-law's ashes have been taken out on a Navy ship and will be buried at sea within a week or so.

Too many emotions. Have been crying more. I want my Tommy - but can't have him. Want my MIL - but can't have her. Want my Daddy - but can't have him either. Sometimes I feel very alone.

Pissed off

Fought with neighbors last night. Tom should have been here to deal with this. I am angry. They threaten me, they called me names, and Tom wasn't here to protect or stand up for me. I am pissed.