Thursday Morning - 2 am

Father God,

You are the only one who been able to see and know me since my birth. You know what is in me - deep inside where only you can see. You know those things that have been kept hidden in darkness. Darkness that is dispelled by the light of Your love.

Thank you for loving me. Tom knew you did. Tom loved you more than life itself. He was not afraid to share you with anyone. He would have shouted Your love from the housetops if he had been able to climb a ladder. Instead - he shouted it from where he was. To his last days - sharing You and praying for others was his joy.

Let that love for sharing Your WORD, Your love, Your hope - now fill me more than ever. Let me take your message where Tom can no longer go.

I praise You Lord. I thank You for all you have done for me. All you have done for Joe and Manda. For all that You have done for this world. Thank you.

Tell Tommy that I love him and understand him more than ever before.

Happy Birthday

Dear Father,

My heart aches with longing for you. Come closer, dwell deeper, Fill my heart with Your Holy Spirit. Let your love so fill me, that those who look upon me see only you. Let my heart beat in rhythm with Your own.

You have heard my heart cry.
You have seen the tears that never dry.
My soul is damaged
My heart is torn
But healing comes
With what You have borne.

Sweet Abba - Tell Tommy I said Happy Birthday. Let him know he is loved and missed. Let him know I am OK. You are here watching over me. He knows I fought you. He knew You would win. I want You to win.

One Year

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go
away

Your little slip
A simple fall
That was all
it was and
should have been

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go
away.

You could smile
Could smile and laugh
Your humor told
yes it sold
a lie.

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go
away

You asked me clear
There was no doubt.
Am I going to die?
I told a lie
to you.

Ticker Running

Today is Saturday - your birthday would have been this coming Tuesday. Everyday I think of you. I think of missing you. My focus deteriorates. My laughter hides so much. The ticker is running. A week - - only a week - - and you will have been gone a year. You have been gone forever.

Missing you my beloved friend.

A Moment of Enlightenment

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Then all is dark again

That single moment can change a life.

In that streak
Finally I saw a truth
Illuminated by the Glory of God.

A truth that does not bring joy - but freedom.

In the flash
A part of me revealed
Hidden away

Hidden but present - Hidden but destructive

A streak of light
Light from God's glory
Showing my ugliness

Revealing another chance to cleanse
Another place to fill with Opportunity
With Hope
With Peace
With Joy

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Not all is dark again.

What I Truly Miss

Many people think they know what I miss since Tom died. And since I lost my beloved Mother-in-law. They are probably right to some degree. As it gets closer to the anniversary of Tom's death - I realize more and more what I truly miss.

He needed me. I did his laundry, cooked meals, took him out, loved him, supported him, and saw that he got what he needed. I miss his dependence on me. Our daughter helped him also. But I was his wife. I cuddled with him at night when it wasn't too painful for him. I kept him believing that it was going to be OK.

I miss the stress of dealing with his problems and the frustration that accompanied every new problem that showed up. Stress can be a good thing. It kept me thinking of him. Soooooo much stress.....soooooo much love.

I miss hating him. Yes - I said hate. He drove me crazy. I hated the pain that changed my life. No hiking, limited traveling, no bowling, no joy in Mudville. I miss that I could blame him for so many things. Yes - I knew it wasn't really hate. It was frustration and pain. I was watching our life together fall apart. And yes - I did hate that. I hated watching our future plans disintegrate into nothingness.

I miss having a voice to share the evening with. I miss my Pastor. For that is what he was for me for years. I miss our friendship. I miss our friends. I miss being his beloved. I miss hearing the words that shared his love with me. I miss being a part of him and his life.

So many things I miss. The one thing I don't miss????? Seeing him suffer everyday.

Focus

I am totally unfocused. School is harder than it was two weeks ago and I can't seem to get my head working. All I want to do is stay home and forget about everything and everybody for a day or two. e

I know how to teach. Scheduling is not a great dilemma. But, I can't do either. Nothing is making sense any more.

Next week - the 27th - I am off. Tom's birthday. That weekend - he will have been gone for a whole year. A lifetime really.

It could be why I can't think or focus lately. Could be??? I am sure it is. The children deserve better than that. Thank you God for Cathy and Kim. They keep life moving in the classroom and don't make me feel stupid when I forget what I am doing or where I left my papers.

I miss you Tom.