June 2nd - Again

I will die. One day, I will die. Everything and everyone does. Nothing and no one lives on this earth forever. Some - don't even get the number of a man's days. 

In my brain - I know what others do not. I have no right to live. And yet, no right to end the life I have. My body will continue until the full measure of my time on this earth is done.

Not everyone knows why I should not live. How that right was forfeited. However, I know. 
I know. Never will my brain or my heart let me forget the unforgettable and unforgivable. Yes- I will live, knowing I should not. Pleading for an end to the insanity of thoughts. 

I will live. 

June 2, 2013

Three years ago - I didn't work the summer. Tom and I went to New York. We took buses, taxis, trains, and walked. Couldn't do subways because of the walker.

While there, we went to two Broadway shows. It was so much fun. We went to the Tutankhamen exhibit, the Botanical Gardens, a harbor cruise, and out on an old Schooner. He watched while I helped hoist the sails. What a summer it was.

After New York, we rested awhile before going to Angel's Camp, Las Vegas, and Buena Park. It was a full summer. There was no way to know it would be our last summer together. 

I am not working this summer either. But my plans are much more limited. There will be Dr. appointments, laundry, housework, sorting and cleaning... Not what I had planned - but plans sometimes need to change.  

Again - May 30

Again - I awake
Again - I sleep
Again - I pray
Again - I drink
Again - I slip into oblivion
Darkness slips over me
The day is over - Again

May 30

Tiredness creeps in like small spiders on my window
Silently
Slowly

Each yawn a reminder that sleep is coming soon
I am ready
Prepared

A day is finishing without protest or angst
Finished
Complete 

Dreams are preparing in invade my mind
Memories
Of you

May 29 - A New Beginning

Working has always been so stressful. I don't know how many times my mind thought of death. How many times did I break down and cry all the way home. Tom used to understand and then he was no more. Years of feeling like a coward because I wouldn't/couldn't stand up for my kids as I should. Years of being sick.

No more. 90 days to figure it out. Oh God - help us figure it out. I am done. I can't go back. I can't teach. I can't pretend. I can't lie. 

May 27

It has been a long day
A day filled with love
with laughter
with hope

It has been a long week
A week filled with frustration
with heartache
with grief

Will it end?
This long week's pain
It's heartache and grief?
Will it ever be over?

May 22

It had been a long day.
I am beginning to understand the damage that stress can do.
The pain in my hand had limited what I'm able to do. It is changed the way I function daily. pain had taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am right handed. Not being able to use my right hand is very difficult.

Nobody thinks about using their hands until they don't have one. I type with my hand, wash my hair with my hand, get out of the bathtub using my hand, do my hair with my hand, write with my hand, open doors with my hand, Et cetera...

I struggle to do any of these things any longer. It hurts and I am tired.

I am very tired. I am tired of pain and being tired.

Even work is a struggle for me any more. I can't do it. It causes more stress, more pain, and frankly I truly do not feel appreciated or what I do. Actually, I feel appreciated but not understood.