Sunday, February 27, 2011

there is a future waiting.

A part of me is crying today. It doesn't show to those who pass by. It wouldn't be noticed by casual time. But for those who know and those who choose to see...There are tears filling me. I am lost in time..stuck in another day. There seems to way out. But truth will raise it's mighty arm and chase away all that is not. Those who know and those who choose to see..there is a future awaiting me.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another Saturday

I went to see the new house again. The concrete on the side of the house is in. It is now ready for the installation of the dog door and kennel. The stove and micro are installed. The toilets are replaced and the bathroom floor in the master replaced. The plumbing is finished? and the electrical will be done this week. The fireplace insert goes in on Tuesday. There are few excuses left not to move in.

Excuses? Maybe. This house is part of Tom and Mom. It is something I will leave behind. I look forward to the change and dread it also. Will I forget them? No.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Sitting at the old house - hard to call it home.
The new house isn't finished - I am not moved in.
But, already, it is home. This is where I will live with the girls (dogs), cradle my grandchildren in my arms (hopefully), visit with friends and family, and grow old.

God has prepared an eternal home for me. Tom is waiting there. And while I await my turn to go to that everlasting home - God has prepared a place for me here. A place to work for HIM. A home that is dedicated to HIM. He is the God of today, tomorrow, and forever.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Say a prayer.
Whisper a dream.
Sing into the night air - a promise - a hope.
Say to the day - 'Be Gone'
To the sun - 'Shine no more'
There is no light bright enough
To erase the darkness.
Say a prayer.
Whisper your dream.
Even in the darkness
It will be seen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Missing You

I miss you. I transferred the Electric and gas to the new house. Everything makes me think of you. I love you. Everyday now - I cry. Please know - you are missed.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You Would Have Liked It!

I sat in the house yesterday thinking of you. It is a house that you would have liked. Not too big...not too small. The yard has enough lawn but not so much that we would really need to do a lot of work on it. Mostly patio and walkways.

The front bedroom would have been perfect for your reading room. Plenty of light, airy, comfortable. I thought of you. The house will be comfortable. Not too big for me to care for. Room to move around though. It is a good house. You would have liked it. You would have been happy to know - that I am going to be OK.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Good Morning?

Good Morning World. It is a good morning. Breath moves in and out of my lungs. Blood courses through my veins carrying life preserving nutrients and oxygen everywhere. Yes, it is a good morning.

My girls are here. Lizzy sits in her crate waiting for me to notice that she is looking at me. Shilah is in the back yard - walking around. She isn't much for being inside the house during the day. Yes - it is a good morning.

Good Morning. The words mean something much different today than they did 6 months ago. Good Morning. Tom is not here. Good Morning. Mom is not here. Good Morning. Pain rips at my heart and soul. Good Morning? Life is here - Yes, it is a Good Morning.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Week Later

I have a new house. It is a new start for me. Although I am looking forward to starting this phase of my life- I am aware of how much I have lost and am leaving behind.

Sometimes I think life will come crashing down around me - but it doesn't. Things keep going - I go to work, I feed the dogs, the kids come to class, the sun comes up, the bells ring, I go home. Does anyone know that Tom died? Do they know that my life is messed up? Shouldn't they all stop, sit, and wait for death to come? Why does life keep going? I don't know. It just does.

Monday, February 7, 2011

love each other

Another moment apart. How can life go on when I am alone like this. People don't seem to realize that they are hurting me by loving, caring for others in front of me. Yet, how painful would it be to see them angry and hateful when Tom and I shared so much love with each other? I am jealous and lonely.

Please - love each other. Imagine there is no tomorrow. Love like it will end in a flash. Because - it may. Your displays of affection and joy may cause me some pain - but I would truly have it no other way. Laugh, love, enjoy each other. I will survive it. In fact, it may bring back memories of better times.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Quiet Sunday

This has been a quiet day. Although I love the quiet, they are days when I dwell on Tom more. I miss my best friend. I miss the smile that is part imp and part lover. He loved life so much and he took me along for the ride. Now - it's up to me and it doesn't work so well.

Tears come
Tears go
In between the laughter and smiles
So much gone
How many empty places
Gentle heart now missing from my life and there is no replacement.
It is not a dream.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Another Friday

Have not been here is a while. This has been a long and difficult week. So much at work and even more here. I am sick. My chest hurts from coughing, my throat hurts from ????, my ears hurt, and my bronchioles are spasming when I cough.No air - I turn red. So uncomfortable. I have been teaching with very little voice. Hurts to talk.

But it isn't all bad. I have had a phonecall about renting the house. Signed the papers for the new house. Can't wait to see it all come together.

My son had surgery yesterday. For awhile I was scared - thinking about Tom.But God is in control and all is well.