Thursday, June 20, 2013

June 20

Well, that didn't last long. Facebook page was closed for one whole day. Can't communicate with some friends without it.  However, there are new rules. I get 5-10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes some other time during the day. 

Also, I speak of nothing of importance. If people upset me - I either ignore them or drop them. Thus is life.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

June 18

Closed my Facebook page today.
People upset me and I want to tell them what I think - and that would rip apart a family. Giving up my fun is better than giving up my family.

I can't go back into a classroom of children again. Even thinking about them and the silly mistakes we all make with them, makes me cry. Can't people see that the thoughtlessness they show to these wonderful special kids can last a lifetime in the mind and heart of the child.

Maybe I should give up on life itself. Nobody understands the pain of watching these kids when people inadvertently hurt them. I love them all - I love them. Can't handle them being hurt.
These are kids who have been injured by the thoughtless remarks of others. Children who have been brought to tears by careless 'caring' adults.These are my kids. One is like a 12 year old  in a 3 year old body. People gasped when they saw her lack of hair. She knew what they were thinking about. One, had a rebuilt face. You don't think he knew when people looked away it was because of his weird features? He was a smart kid. One, went on to become a speaker at his 8th grade commencement.  People hurt them - without ever trying.

Monday, June 17, 2013

June 17

This is Zoe
This is life
This is all - that I would hope for
Given the chance - to hope
Zoe, Joe, Amanda, Becky
We are family

Sunday, June 9, 2013

June 9

Do Over - If I could choose a do-over - what would it be? Were I to remove the greatest pain in my life - my life would never have been. I would never have known the joys and pains of this world as I did. It was the pain that brought the joy.

No visiting White Sands with Tom.
 No Joe to give me the most beautiful granddaughter in the world.

No Tom - to make me smile and laugh. No man to show me what love really it.

                                                                  No dudie bug.
Still there are times - when the pain overwhelms me. At these times I wish I could do over parts of my life. Get rid of the painful moments; the mistakes, the misjudgements.

Sometimes I still wish for

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

June 5th

Is this me or was this me? 
Is this long ago and far away or is it now? 

In this time, past or present, there were moments of pure joy in childhood. But, even then, I held the darkness in my hands. 
Can you see a child in pain? 
Can you see the stripes she bore at so young an age? 
Is that the angel of death behind her gloating, grasping,and sucking life from her?
Or, were they figments of a vivid imagination? 
False memories? 

They were real. This is me. Today. Lost in time. Stuck in the muck and mire of time, memories, and pain. This is me.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

June 2nd - Again

I will die. One day, I will die. Everything and everyone does. Nothing and no one lives on this earth forever. Some - don't even get the number of a man's days. 

In my brain - I know what others do not. I have no right to live. And yet, no right to end the life I have. My body will continue until the full measure of my time on this earth is done.

Not everyone knows why I should not live. How that right was forfeited. However, I know. 
I know. Never will my brain or my heart let me forget the unforgettable and unforgivable. Yes- I will live, knowing I should not. Pleading for an end to the insanity of thoughts. 

I will live. 

June 2, 2013

Three years ago - I didn't work the summer. Tom and I went to New York. We took buses, taxis, trains, and walked. Couldn't do subways because of the walker.

While there, we went to two Broadway shows. It was so much fun. We went to the Tutankhamen exhibit, the Botanical Gardens, a harbor cruise, and out on an old Schooner. He watched while I helped hoist the sails. What a summer it was.

After New York, we rested awhile before going to Angel's Camp, Las Vegas, and Buena Park. It was a full summer. There was no way to know it would be our last summer together. 

I am not working this summer either. But my plans are much more limited. There will be Dr. appointments, laundry, housework, sorting and cleaning... Not what I had planned - but plans sometimes need to change.