Saturday, April 30, 2011

April the last day

Tommy - I miss you. It is hard to see the good things I have and not think of you. Our friends came and started the landscaping in the front today. It looks so nice. You would have loved it.

The lady at the nursery sold me her Sago Palm She and her husband bought two for their home. He died. She brought one of them back to the nursery and has had it there for eight years. She sold it to me today and told me the story of her palm. It was comforting to be in the company of someone who really understood the pain, the loneliness, the grief. She knew - she knew. I have inherited a part of her dream. I am going to share it with her. The palm had several small ones growing off of it. We took them and planted them into tubs. If they survive - I will put one into a nice pot and take it back to her. She can have part of her dream back.

I miss you.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Saturday before Easter

Tomorrow is Easter. I am not wearing a new dress tomorrow. There will be no new shoes. My hair will be the hair that people see everyday. Tomorrow is Easter. It is the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ. It is not about me, my clothes, my hair. It is about HIM!!! No fashion show required. Just rejoicing, praise, worship. A heart filled with gratitude for the great gift that he has given us by dieing in our place on the cross.

Easter - a day for thanksgiving.

Friday, April 22, 2011

A brother

Soon, our brother and friend will be ordained as an Anglican priest. Tom would have rejoiced with him. I am grieving the loss of my best friend. I want to attend the ordination for TOM. Denny was his brother in every way but biology. He loved Denny so much. Denny was the brother Tom never had. How can I not be there?
Father of all - - help me. Let me be the representative of my husband. Let me bless my brother in Tom's place.

Oh God = how I miss them.

Monday, April 18, 2011


It is fun here. There is no denying that. But there are moments of pain interspersed amid the fun. The last place we ate before Tom got sick. The last game we played before Tom got sick. The plans we had for this week. The fun we shared when we were here together.

Nothing is the same - but nothing is different. Confusing?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Spring Break

Today begins Spring Break. My mother and I are going to Las Vegas for a few days after my brother's birthday party. It should be good. I will miss my kids but not the IEP meetings and paperwork. This has been a tough couple of weeks paperwork/meeting wise.

The last time I was there Tom got really sick. We almost took him to the hospital in Vegas. Instead - we came home. He never came home for long after that. I wonder if he knew then. How I will miss him this time. He was fun.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Our Anniversay - Saturday - April 9

Tommy, it has been 30 years. Remember that day? The dress was ruined by the seamstress - so I wore Sally's dress. It was late getting to the church - so I fell apart. You wore your uniform. I still see you standing - waiting for me- at the alter.

I remember the ivy that hung from my beautiful Sweat Pea bouquet. It was shaking back and forth as I walked toward you. It was funny. You almost set my veil on fire with the covenent candle. That was funny too.

I remember your father - he told you that if you ever hurt me - he would kill you. That must have been his way of welcoming me to the family. You never hurt me. Your life made mine more complete. Your love saved me over and over again.

I remember the beautiful cake my Aunt Wilma made. She made two of the layers with my grandmother's spice cake recipe. You didn't care for spice cake. You loved this. It was a part of my past and you wanted to be a part of every part of me.

I remember the beginning of our honeymoon. The hotel gave away our reservation. We finally found a room but we were so tired - we laid on the bed watching TV and drinking a glass of wine until we slept.

I remember having to go the DMV the very next day because my drivers license was going to expire. That's what happens when you get married 3 days before your birthday. It was strange to sign my name 'Weyant' instead of 'Stewart'. Strange - but wonderful.

I remember walking the beach with you knowing that in 7 days - you would be going out to sea and not come back for 6 months. I remember. I will always remember. This time it will be more than 6 months before I see you again. Maybe we can walk together again.

I remember.

Friday, April 8, 2011

In Good Hands

In fact, were I to be honest, I would have to say that Tom has left me in good hands.

He has left me in the hands of God. My Lord, My Savior, My All. No matter how I may feel otherwise, I am never truly alone. God is there for me. Often, I turn away because of the pain, hurt, and anger.

He has left me in the hands of family. My family, His family, Our family. They care about me and take me for who I am. Although they don't know for themselves the pain I suffer - they are there - with open arms.

He has left me in the hands of friends. Good friends. People who pray, who listen, who care. Friends that ask nothing in return. Good friends.

He has left me in the hands of fellow teachers. People of compassion and mercy. They accept me for who I am and make each day better for their having been there. The teachers at my school are finestkind. They reach out with their words, their eyes, and their hearts.

Yes, Tom has left me in good hands. Were it not for all of these good hands, I would not be alive today. Thank you all. Thank you Tom.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wednesday Evening

A quiet moment
A quiet moment alone
A quiet moment alone again.

A black day.
A black day alone.
A black day alone again.

A new day.
A new day dawns.
A new day dawns again.

I will live.
I will live forever.
I will live forever - - - -
I will live

Friday, April 1, 2011


I miss you Tommy. Again I am alone on a Friday evening. While I sit here, looking around me, I wait for your voice to intercede and set me free. I am in chains - bound by my lonliness and pain. You should never have left me.

You abandoned me. Left me to suffer the lonliness of the night. The wrenching cries of the silence. How could you leave me in such a place? Come back - take me in your arms - cry "April Fools" - and love me.