What a day!

This has not been the best day. I have been moody, tired, and sick. Sorting through my Mother-in-law's things must have really triggered something. Tears have been on the surface all day.

It is strange - to be happy and sad all at once. I am happy. In the past year, I spent more time in tears than not. In the past month, I have almost never cried. Life has been good and there was no reason or need to cry. Oh, there were moments when life was sad but nothing major. Today - the whole thing has been major. Crazy.

Today I said those words again - the words that carry so much emotion and pain - those words - I miss Tommy. Seldom do they cross my lips. I am happy for him. My life has been good. Missing him is daily - saying it - that's something else. I do miss him. But life keeps me busy and I am happier than I have been is so long. There has been no reason for the words to come out. They only come on pain days. The days that remind me of what I wrote so long ago.

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Moving through shadows and light
Day after day
Week after week
Month after month

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Another day begins anew
Already I wish it done
But there are steps to take today
Places to go
Things to do
One foot - then the other
One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Step upon step
Moving forward - most of the time

For Tom

Dear Tom,
It been too long since I have been able to talk to you in person. My great prayer is that you are able to see your son from Heaven. He is doing so well. I know that you would be so proud of him. He is such a good husband to Amanda. He loves her so much. It is good to know that he is there for me as well. He is a strength when I am feeling lost. Our Savior is here, of course, but so is your son. You did such a good job teaching him how to be a good father, husband, and son. Please know, that I am proud of you.
While life is not perfect - it never was - it is good. Work is a place of joy. I truly love the people I work with. They are wonderful men and women. You would enjoy them. They laugh a lot and work harder than I have ever known a group of teachers to work. They are awesome.
I am happy Tommy. For once in my life - I don't feel the need to depend on others all the time. You taught me much. The lessons took awhile to sink in but, they were learned. There is so much that I am able to do that I never thought I could. I live. Although my life is now without you - I am OK. You taught me that there is nothing that can not be handled with the Lord's help. When doubt fills me - Jesus empties the doubt and fills me with himself. Thank you Tommy.
I love you
Becky

My Men

Not a day goes by without my "men" being on my mind and heart.
Joe. A son to be so proud of. He is growing in faith and walking stronger in the Lord.
Tom. My beloved best friend. No day is truly whole yet without him. Days are better and I am truly happy. But he was such a part of me. I love him so.
Jesus. My Lord and Savior. My life is mending. My heart is mending. Jesus is the reason. He died for me and has lifted my soul to the Father.

My men. I love them all.

Name Change?

Does time change everything?
Or does it change only some things?
I was so 'left behind' when Tom died.
Left behind in a world I wanted no part of.

Has time changed everything?
Or has it changed only some things?
It has changed me as I view the world.
I am a part of what continues.

Time has changed everything
And nothing at all.
I am still left behind -
But even more - I am moving ahead.
Life does not frighten me with its bleakness,
Its never ending continuation.
I have begun to move forward and see the light that has always been here.

I have not wanted to see it - not all the time.
Light shines in darkness -
Light illuminates what is hidden.
But when the hidden is brought to the light -
Life happens.
I am free
And moving toward joy and hope.

Does time change everything?
Or does it change only some things?
The answer eludes me.
Or does it?
Christ has never changed.
Time has not dampened His love for me.
Time has not taken his redemptive gift away.
No - only some things have changed.
My life, my future on this earth, my day to day existence.

Maybe it is time to change the name of this blog?

Let It Go?

Over two years ago, the Kern High School District told our long-term disability people and us, that Tom had no retirement or disability retirement coming. We were told that we could leave the money with STRS until he was older or take it - it made no difference. They were wrong. Tom was eligible for a disability retirement through STRS. I could have had part of it after his death along with a death benefit. Praying - do I let it go - or pursue the High School district for their error? Very difficult decision.

This is so frustrating. Got a lot of praying to do.

Tom deserved better than he got from the district all the way along. He deserved what he worked for. What to do?

Adjustments

It has been a long year. Adjustments are still being made and will be as time goes on. Different house, different income, different lifestyle. Adjustments. Not all adjustments are painful or grief bearing. I lost my husband not my hope. I am adjusting my life to include more peace and joy. More time is being spent in prayer and reading God's Word. More reflection, more closeness to spiritual things. Grief and joy sometimes seem to conflict with each other. To be happy and sad at the same time. To laugh and cry in unison.

I am alive. It seems odd to think it or to say it. I am alive. Where once it might have been preferable not to be - I am. Now - I rejoice in God's mercy - letting me live in the knowledge that He loves me and Tom will be waiting for me when it is my time. I was reborn - again. Reborn to hope, joy, and peace. Reborn to the knowledge that though I am alone - I am never alone. God dwells within. He surrounds me. He envelops me with His Spirit. I am loved I rejoice in Him. In the quiet of my home I sing to Him.

God of mercy dwell within
Hold my hand
Enfold me

In your arms I feel secure
And know that I
Am lovely

God of peace hear my heart
I am yours
Completely

In Your presence I rejoice
Shouting
Hallelujah

Let the adjustments continue - I am in the care of a great and mighty God.

He was satisfied

When it happened
though it was within and without me - still -
I know not how it happened .
For all that I do not know There is more that I do
. I am a child of God. He loves me. He has forgiven my sins.
When it happened I do know. could I have forgotten so soon?

2000 years ago on a cross I was forgiven.
He saw me from the cross. He saw me coming to Him.
He saw me - and was satisfied that He had done the right thing.
Were I the only one to call him Lord
The only one to seek Him,
To invite Him to dwell within me.
Were I the only one in history to seek his forgiveness-
Still -
He would have looked from the cross and been satisfied-
assured -
that His death had meaning
He was satisfied to save me.

Another Week of Peace

God has been merciful to me this year. This has been a year of hell - but it has now become a year of healing. Although living without Tommy is lonely and causes tears to flow, I have learned that it can be done. I have learned that loneliness will not kill me if I don't let it. God loves me and has a plan for my life that no longer includes Tom. It is time for me to discover what that is. In order to do that - I have to be open to what God is telling me. That - I am not good at. Learning to live alone in Joy - is a new thought - a concept for me. In the past - alone and joy did not go in the same sentence. Now - it must become a way of life or sadness will envelop my life and I will be lost. I am happy. For the first time in forever - I am happy and alone.

Praising

What a good day. Prayer and praise at church. An excellent message on missions. Lunch with Mom and Mary. It has been a day of praise. A day of joy. I have been so happy today. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy.

Thank You

It has been a difficult year filled tears, screaming, laughing at nothing, and so much more. It has also been filled with faithful friends and family. This is my chance to say Thank You to all those who made my loss a little more bearable.

Family who cried with me. Friends who prayed with me. Strangers who held me before the Lord without knowing who I am.

Mostly - I thank God for being the God of mercy, grace, and peace. Without family and friends this year would have been so much more difficult and I doubt I would have come as far as I have. Without God - I would be dead - inside and out.

Thank you all.

Day 1 - again

OK - I have finished the first day of a new year without Tom. It wasn't a bad day. Healing is coming. The weekend was difficult - but it was doable. Still missing Tom - but it will be a good year and a fruitful year.

Remember

One year ago - right now - I was in bed with Tom in a hospital. As I drank a glass of wine I watched tv and felt my husband breathing. A year ago - I knew it was almost over. A year ago - I was married. A year ago - I wasn't alone. A year ago - I wasn't laughing. Tonight - I am. Funny stuff on the tv. Pain in my heart. One year ago - I was dieing - now - I am alive.

It is getting close to the hour. It is getting closer to the moment when you left me. How can I go on? Tommy - Tommy - I miss you. 22 minutes and a year will have passed since you met Jesus in person. 20 minutes are left until the year has passed.

10 minutes. Is it strange that I am counting down? The countdown began a year ago. It hasn't stopped for a moment. I have counted every moment that he hasn't been with me. 8 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. A year in 5 minutes. I never thought I would live this long. Never believed I could survive. But- I did. And I will. 3 minutes. 1 minute. A year ago I didn't know you would be gone so soon. A year ago we were together. A year ago - a year ago - You're gone. Your body stopped. The breathing stilled. Good night my love. Good night.

One Year Gone

A year gone by. Tonight, I will have been alone - for a year. Times I thought would kill me passed through and were gone. Those times that uplifted - passed through and were gone as well.

I am still here. You are still gone. We are both where we should be.