Friday, August 31, 2012

August 31

The last day of the month. The count down begins. Tom died one month from tomorrow at 11:25 pm. I was laying by his side on the bed. He stopped breathing and I knew. I knew. Life ended one month from tomorrow two years ago.

Two years ago - Tom was in the hospital. He had a blood clot but was now in rehab. He was doing so well. We thought he might die - but he wasn't. He was going to live. He was so happy to know that he would be going home in a week. One week. He was stronger, walking with his walker again. Laughing. Living.

Two years ago - I was a happy woman. There was stress to look forward to but a husband in my home and in my bed. Tommy - my love and my best friend.

Two years ago - life was difficult - but it was good.

Two years ago.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

August 29

So quiet tonight. The tv is on, the phone has rung several times, but it is quiet. Quiet in my soul, my mind, my heart. Quiet and lonely.

No one can possibly understand the quiet loneliness that follows day upon day - night upon night. I don't say anything most of the time. It has been 2 years, who would understand but someone who has been there - done that. Loneliness like nothing I had ever known or understood. So empty.

Is life all bad? No. Some of it is truly wonderful. Teaching is a delight. The people I work with are awesome. They laugh and cry and play and make teaching fun. Truly enjoyable.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

August 28

I did it. Speaking my mind (or writing it) can be a true release of emotional energy. However, it doesn't go over well. I simply can't be still any longer. I will speak my mind and heart - if people don't like it - they don't have to listen (or read). I will be me.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 23

What's it all about Alfie?

Old song - same thoughts. What is it all about?

I am tired of trying to pretend that I love people. I don't. I love my siblings, my mother, my friends. But can't stand them at the same time. What's it all about - Becky?

My brother Clint is a prime example of a love/hate relationship. I loved him. He was my eldest brother. But I hated him - I was afraid of him. He was not always a nice person. He ruined my life. What was there to like? But - he was my brother. I loved him. In recent years - I almost like him sometimes - but there was always the memories in the back of my mind to keep me at arms length.

My sisters. The perfect ones. Those who make no mistakes and are always correct and I am always wrong. No matter what I think, or say, or do -- I will always be at fault or do something wrong - or say something wrong - or... there is no way around it. I truly love them. They aren't really perfect and they don't think they are - most of the time. But God help me - if I say something they don't like - or believe something they don't - or write something they don't agree with - I am the one with the problem.

My friends - God bless them. They let me be me - most of the time. They are much more forgiving and understanding than my family sometimes. But they aren't family. They are friends.

What's it all about - Becky?

I don't know what it's all about. Not really. However, I am tired. Tired of trying to keep peace, to be nice, to be polite, to be helpful, to be courteous, and to be something I am not. God help us all - I may not try any longer.

Monday, August 20, 2012

August 20

It has been a long 2 years. Two years ago, the first day of school, I got a call from the hospital. Tom was being moved to CCU because he wasn't stable. What a shock. A sub was called and I left. My first day of school, a new school, new staff, new students - and I left.

Tom survived - there was a blood clot - a new study - we learned what was wrong. I was back at school a few days later- but it never truly got better. He was cheerful, smiling when I would come. I loved him so much.

It isn't easy living alone - but I am doing it. He isn't here but he is in my heart. I am so tired of no one to talk to - no one to love - no one to share with. Missing him so much.

God, I am alone.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

August 18

So long my brother.
You have deceived a world of people.
They believe you were a good man.
But we know - don't we?
We know what you really were.
Long ago.
Too little - too late.
Tell my sister - "I hurt people - tell them I'm sorry."
Tell me.
Don't send your message when you are safe beyond immediate reach.
Tell me.
You had the chance -
But you were silent.
You're sorry?
For what?
Did you say?
You were silent.
Let them believe you were a good man.
We know.
Don't we?

I love you. But I will never like you. You are/were a coward.
A coward.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

August 15

It was a long day.

My classroom is almost ready and I will have my lessons prepared by Monday. It is truly exciting to be going back for another school year. Although I enjoy summers, too much time on my hands makes me depressed. I am not focused enough to clean the house and organize clutter. No - I belong in the classroom.

Two years ago, Tom and I went to Chuys after such a day. He was having trouble with his leg. I said, "Let me see". He picked up his leg and put in on the bench beside me. It was huge. This was the beginning of the struggle with his last blood clot. We went to the ER and they admitted him. The doctor was an asshole. So rude and condescending. Tom almost got up to pound on him. He kept calling me 'sweetie'. I hate that term. I am an educated woman and don't need to be spoken down to by someone who struggles with speaking English. Tom - protective to the end.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

August 13/14

Long day today. There was much to do in the classroom to get ready for school and much to do afterwards.

It has been a long journey since this time two years ago. I was trying to get ready for school while going to see Tom in the hospital. He had a blood clot in his leg and was having a very hard time. It all got done.

Tom was always supportive of my teaching career. He knew before I did that I would do well and enjoy it. He had faith in me. During this time of transition to a new school he was more so. For several years he tried to get me to leave my previous campus. Nothing had been right there since the beginning. When I finally made that decision and left - he was so happy for me. Tom knew everything would work out well.

Even from his hospital bed - he cheered me on. He would ask what I was doing and what I thought of my fellow teachers as I met them. He wanted all the facts. It was a difficult time - but a good one. We were still actively involved in each other's days and happy. I never could have imagined what was coming.

Monday, August 13, 2012

August 12

Can't sleep tonight.

Can you hear me Tom?
Can you see what I have become?
Have you whispered in my ear and I missed it?
Did you talk to God about me today?
Can you hear me Tom?
I miss you.
Missing the warmth of your body as it lays next to mine at night.
Missing the soft touch that could thrill me.
Missing your gentleness that got me through the tough days.
Missing you.

Can you hear Tom?
Did you know that Clint died?
Did you know how little and how much it hurt?
Talk to God for me,
Tell Him I need hope.
I need prayer.
I need you.
Can you hear me Tom?
Needing you so desperately.
Needing you to be by my side - urging me forward.
Needing you to listen to my heart cry.
Needing you.

I love you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

August 6

Happy Birthday Amanda - my beloved daughter-in-love.

I wonder sometimes if she understands how special she is and what an answer to prayer she has been.

Tom and I prayed for Joe's wife from the time he was a young child. We prayed for a Godly woman who would complement Joe and fulfill his dreams. God heard and answered us. Amanda is exactly what Joe needs and their love is real and growing.

Happy Birthday Amanda.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

August 5

Another day.

As I sit reading the paper and drinking my morning coffee, my Lizzy Dog lays beside me looking at me periodically with those big Boston Terrier eyes. She loves me and needs me as I need her. We are good together. Reading the paper doesn't always take two hands - one drops to my side and rubs her belly or scratches behind her ear. We are content.

I have so much that flies around my mind that sometimes I forget to just sit and relax. To calm myself and allow all of the clutter to fly right out of me and enjoy the moment. Lizzy Dog is good for that.

Right now - I am going to drink another cup of coffee and reflect on the days ahead - leaving the past behind me.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

August 4

The days have been so difficult lately. It seems that for every step forward traveled I am thrown back three or four. Feeling lost is almost the norm now.

What am I grieving? Mom, Tom, Clint? My childhood, my dreams, my hopes. All are gone. There is nothing for me here right now. There will be again - I am sure. But when I do not know.

Tears fall so often, my head hurts and my eyes swell. Tonight - is calm but the storm blew through earlier. Grief upon grief - loss upon loss.