Thursday, December 29, 2011


How are you? 10 times a day - the same question. Today - an answer.

Life is good. My heart sings with the new day when children are in it. I pray for joy each day. God brings it. I love my life. Holidays are hard. My heart sings - but it isn't the joy of everyday. It is the grief of a lonely day. My heart cries for my best friend, my soul mate, my heart. Does it mean that my life is sad or reduced to a tearful existence? No - God is good - and so is my life.

Holidays are hard. My life is good and fulfilled with my job, my friends, my family. There are moments that strain my heart and my resolve to continue this existence. How easy it would be to slide into eternal sleep - to see my beloved and my savior. How easy it would be. But life is not about easy. It is about doing what God calls us to do. God has called me to live. With or without the beloved of my heart, my best friend, I will live.

Days will come, and have already come, when I will cry and grieve, and feel the depth of the loss I have suffered. But God will not leave me alone - even when I feel alone - I am not alone.

Christmas has been particularly difficult. It was our favorite season and holiday of the year. I'm still crying. It isn't hopelessness. It is sadness - I am so aware of all I have lost. But the joy is still here - sometimes on the outside - sometime hiding on the inside - but still there. God will call me home one day and I will see my Tommy, and Mom, my Dad, my daughter, and all those who have died in Christ.

If I cry and seem to have abandoned hope - don't believe it - I don't. I am just expressing the human side of my heart.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Day

How do I live through these days without you? When light filled my eyes today - you were not there. The tears began and have not ended. No one to speak words of joy and comfort. Emptiness - so much emptiness.

Oh God - today we celebrate the birth of Your son. But I do it with half a heart. You have the other half in your presence. You took him. Oh God I am sad.

tears - like a river - abandoning the banks -over flowing - raging - grief. No MORE! No More!

Friday, December 23, 2011

3:30 pm

Well, Christmas music on. I haven't gotten a lot accomplished but I feel better. Had lunch with Mom and sister, massage, and took care of some laundry. Time to finish kitchen, clean hall bath, and watch a Christmas movie.

I know that the feelings that weigh me down aren't forever. It just seems, sometimes, like they won't ever go away. Remembering Tom has gotten to be as much a part of me as breathing. Some days remembering him brings great joy and peace. Other days, it brings tears.

Tom loved Christmas as much I did. Some day - I will again. However, this is not that day. I am doing better than I was at 10:30 but not as well as I will this time next year.

Thank you Father God for taking Tom into your Kingdom. It gives me great peace to know that he is safe in your presence. As much I want him with me - he is better off with You. Hug him for me.

10:30 am

Well - today I am going to put a concerted effort into doing some happy Christmas stuff. This pattern of sorrow and pain must be brought to a halt. There must be joy somewhere.

Where to start?

Could clean this dump I call a house. Not very cheery.
Could turn on Christmas music first though. That might help.

Effort just to think about putting effort into being happy this Christmas. But - it will be well worth it if it works.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Together Still

We are together still. Loveable Tommy and I. What can separate us from our love?
Can death? Can death really separate people who love? No - not if their love is in Christ.
Tom lives on this earth in my heart and mind. In the life of his son. In the blood that flows through our grandchild.
We are together in life and death.
Soon, very soon, I will join him in the kingdom of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We will walk together, hand-in-hand. For now, we walk together in spirit and in my heart.

Memories are ever present. I am his still in my heart and in my dreams. Sometimes, it is enough to know. Today - I need more. I don't want to be alone today. What joy it would be to feel his arms around me, gently caressing my arm, my face, my neck. I could rest my head on his chest and hear the rhythmic beating of his gentle heart.

I am sad.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Mice

Making Christmas Mice for the staff snack day tomorrow. What ever possessed me to agree to make these. I had forgotten how much a part of these included Tom. He sorted almonds for the ears. Such a tedious job - he didn't mind. It made things so much easier for me.

Making them tonight - I am almost lost. Mom loved to help put them together. She enjoyed life so much. Her giggles were a delight. My second Christmas without she and Tom. I know they are celebrating in Heaven but I miss them here. Why does this have to be so hard this year?

If only I could run away and hide from it all - but I can't. This is my life now. They're both gone and I must accept that. In fact, I do. They are both better off now than they were here. I am just lonely for them. It seems to be harder this year than last?

My best friend - I love you. Mama - you too. You are so missed.

This crying has got to stop.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Wrong Attitude??

It has been over a year since Tom died. Most days I am just fine. I have even been happy. Tom is where he should be. Free of pain and joy--filled in the presence of his Lord. For him - I have no complaints.

Lately, the Christmas season has been getting me down. I see families out shopping. Children dreaming. Families. Old couples. Young couples. Christmas lights everywhere. I remember one year when my sister-in-law Ann was still alive. She rented a limo as a surprise for me - and we went out looking at Christmas lights in San Diego. It was a wonderful time.

Decorating the Church Christmas tree with Tom was a fun time. We put on minimum of 200 lights per foot of tree. The tree glowed from within. IT was beautiful. We did the same to our tree at home. Lights filled the inside branches of the tree. So inspiring. Greenery on the fireplace, decorations around the living area, lights on the house. Shopping for Angels, for foster children, for whoever needed. What a joyous season it was.

This year, nothing. I see it all but can't get into it. For my family and friends, for my students - I want to. But it simply isn't happening.

I miss him. How can I be happy and still miss him this way? I don't understand it. But, I am. Just not Christmas happy.

Is my attitude wrong? Who can say.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Missing in Life

If your friend is missing a loved one during the holidays - listen and let them know their loved one would want them to be happy. Does that really help?

I know Tom would want me to be happy. But what is happy about Christmas without him? I think I was numb last year and am now feeling things that hurt. Or maybe - I am just feeling the reality of him not being here with me. I am happy. But I am not happy. Tom made Christmas special. I am not that good at it.

No tree. No decorations. No cookies or fudge. I will make mincemeat for the family. But, like Thanksgiving, I won't eat it. I don't want gifts and food. I don't need a tree and decorations. All I need is Tommy. I miss him. His laughter is fading from my memory. I need - and can't have.

Tom would want me to be happy. But that won't help me to enjoy the holidays without him.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Sometimes it feels good to hear someone say, "Well done!"
Today was the first time I have heard those words spoken to me.
Spoken clearly - in front of my colleagues. My partner and I were recognized for our efforts.
What a change from where I worked before.
Tommy - Did you hear those words today? You believed they would come.
You knew I should leave the old school. Did you hear them?
Did you hear? I did. Finally - I did.
Love you Tommy.
Love you!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas List

Christmas? What do I want for Christmas?

Someone to talk to when I can't sleep in the night.
A voice of welcome when I come home after work.
The comfort of a warm body next to me in bed - holding me. Snuggling in the dark.

What do I want for Christmas?

The one who is missing from my life.

Since that is not possible - what do I want for Christmas?

I need little. I want less. There is too much stuff in this house that I am already trying to dispose of. Too much to get things I don't need.

Be my friend.
Love others.
Be kind.
Tell your parents and spouses that you love them.
Don't let a day pass without an act of kindness.

Friday, December 9, 2011


There are days when life makes little sense. When words pass through me without comprehension or awareness.
Between yesterday and today - what is the difference?
Did the world end last night?
Did the earth reverse it's course?
Life makes little sense today.
I am missing a piece of life's puzzle and the spot where the piece belongs - stands as a gaping wound.
What has changed between yesterday and today?
I remember.
Your smile flashed through my thoughts today.
Your face filled my heart and mind.
You are the difference. I wanted to touch you, to hold you, to love you.
You weren't there but the memories still came.
Your life is the missing piece.
Your life is the missing peace.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sweet Wind

Sweet wind of God's love - blow over me.
Bring the joyous sounds of God's angels - worshiping Him.
Oh Sweet wind - Carry my voice to the heavens.
Tell the Lord of my joy and my grief. Tell the Father of all things -
I am afraid and lonely.
Tell Tom he is loved and appreciated more every day.
Sweet wind - bring him my kiss, my love, and me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Invisible Wind

Did the wind blow today? Though it was never felt things blew away. My peace, my energy. So tired and so sick.

When I started back to school it was to become a teacher. The first years that's what I was. It wasn't the best situation but I was a teacher. Right now - I feel like a revolving door. Too many kids to do the job I was hired to do. So much I want to do with them - so much to teach them. I love my kids. But today - the wind of tired blew away the covering that hid my sadness and grief. I have lost so much this past year - and today - I realized that I've also lost my dream.

My dream - a classroom of kids that needed to learn. Time to teach them. My class. Now - I don't have a class - I have two. One that looks to me for education and love. One that comes and goes with that invisible wind. I want to be a teacher again.

Good school. Good staff. Smiles and laughter. Just sick and sad.

That old invisible wind. It is still here. What will it bring? What will it take?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Winter or Summer

What would winter be without cold? Or summer without heat? Would they still be winter and summer? Though the temperature changes - the season would be the season it was - only different.

Children would not fly down hills on sleds or skate on ponds frozen by winter's rage. Yet - they would find things to do. They could fish in that self same pond. They could roll down the sledding hill feeling the grass tickle their bare legs and arms.

Were cold to come where summer dwelt - children would find things to do as well. They may not swim in a pool or run under waterfalls in the park - but they would be busy. They would bundle in their coats and go find cold things to do. They might sit before a fireplace and play a game.

Life would be different - but still life. People would adjust as people do to the changing of times.

What is my life without Tom? Is it not my life any longer - or is it just a different life? Winter or Spring - Life or Death. Still, whatever happens around me - I am myself. This is my life. I will adjust as all people do.