It has been over a year since Tom died. Most days I am just fine. I have even been happy. Tom is where he should be. Free of pain and joy--filled in the presence of his Lord. For him - I have no complaints.
Lately, the Christmas season has been getting me down. I see families out shopping. Children dreaming. Families. Old couples. Young couples. Christmas lights everywhere. I remember one year when my sister-in-law Ann was still alive. She rented a limo as a surprise for me - and we went out looking at Christmas lights in San Diego. It was a wonderful time.
Decorating the Church Christmas tree with Tom was a fun time. We put on minimum of 200 lights per foot of tree. The tree glowed from within. IT was beautiful. We did the same to our tree at home. Lights filled the inside branches of the tree. So inspiring. Greenery on the fireplace, decorations around the living area, lights on the house. Shopping for Angels, for foster children, for whoever needed. What a joyous season it was.
This year, nothing. I see it all but can't get into it. For my family and friends, for my students - I want to. But it simply isn't happening.
I miss him. How can I be happy and still miss him this way? I don't understand it. But, I am. Just not Christmas happy.
Is my attitude wrong? Who can say.
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