Thursday, December 29, 2011


How are you? 10 times a day - the same question. Today - an answer.

Life is good. My heart sings with the new day when children are in it. I pray for joy each day. God brings it. I love my life. Holidays are hard. My heart sings - but it isn't the joy of everyday. It is the grief of a lonely day. My heart cries for my best friend, my soul mate, my heart. Does it mean that my life is sad or reduced to a tearful existence? No - God is good - and so is my life.

Holidays are hard. My life is good and fulfilled with my job, my friends, my family. There are moments that strain my heart and my resolve to continue this existence. How easy it would be to slide into eternal sleep - to see my beloved and my savior. How easy it would be. But life is not about easy. It is about doing what God calls us to do. God has called me to live. With or without the beloved of my heart, my best friend, I will live.

Days will come, and have already come, when I will cry and grieve, and feel the depth of the loss I have suffered. But God will not leave me alone - even when I feel alone - I am not alone.

Christmas has been particularly difficult. It was our favorite season and holiday of the year. I'm still crying. It isn't hopelessness. It is sadness - I am so aware of all I have lost. But the joy is still here - sometimes on the outside - sometime hiding on the inside - but still there. God will call me home one day and I will see my Tommy, and Mom, my Dad, my daughter, and all those who have died in Christ.

If I cry and seem to have abandoned hope - don't believe it - I don't. I am just expressing the human side of my heart.

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