Sunday, February 26, 2012

These are the Moments

These are the moments
Late in the night
surrounded by darkness
These are the moments
when loneliness flares up like a raging fire
burning everything in its path

My voice sounds through the darkness
no - there is no one to hear me
but still I speak
How I miss the soft replies
the second voice

These moments
I feel my loss differently
It isn't your arms holding me
that haunt me with their absence
No - it is the absolute silence
There are no human sounds
that are not my own.

Talking in your sleep
Whispering unknown prayers
Calling out to me through your pain
Laughter in the midst of anguish
The sounds of your breathing
These are absent
Lost forever
Leaving me

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Moving along
Each day comes - one upon another
The rivers that raged only months ago
Have slowed to a winter pace
Not frozen but slower
More graceful
But still -
They move

The grief is slower
gentler in some ways
But it is still grief
The tears still fall
Tears that join the flowing water of time
And are lost
In its slow movement

Monday, February 20, 2012

I miss you today Tommy!

The light was filtering through the cobwebs of sleep and my mind was slowly wakening.
I did not miss you then.
You were there.
Your arms wrapped securely around me
your warmth bringing comfort and peace.
You were there.
My heart danced to music only we could hear
Your touch -
You were there.

The alarm intruded like a thief -
Breaking the windows of my dreams
stealing my peaceful sleep.
My mind jumped and started.
There were no arms around me.
No warm comfort or peace.
No music drifted through my heart
You were not there.
I missed you then.

I miss you today Tommy.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

Lest I forget
Leave it behind
The words forgotten
My soul turned blind
I shall carve them on my heart
Burn them in my mind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

The mountains seem formidable
The valleys deep and dark
My path may seem impassable
But those words
Carved on my heart
Burned in my mind
Serve to remind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

He lights my path through darkness
Makes safe the way I go
It is HIS voice that leads me
In places I do not know
When I stumble
Start to fall
I grab the hand He offers
And steady on I go

There is nothing that is impossible to God.
I know it to be true
For life has dealt me blow upon blow
And steady on - Still I go
I may stumble
Briefly fall
But God has made it possible
I live - to live again - to live forever - to see - for eternity - His love for me.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Up and down with the ocean swells
My emotions have traveled far
A joyful song fills my heart
Then crashes to the ground
Up again then down we go
In never-ending repetition

Does it seem wrong to those who watch
Who see from shoreline berths
Who peek through windows small and round
At life outside their walls

Do not care
Do not worry
God has me in his grasp
Up and down
Life rages on
Emotions teetering on high precipice
Then falling in cascading ground

Do no worry
I do not
God has me
I am safe
God has my front, my back, my soul
He has me part and whole

I may get bumped around a bit
But God has kept me safe
Fear within is conquered best
When I remember and simply rest.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Take care of me. I am sick and there is no one to care for me. Valentines Day brought no flowers, or cards, or kisses. And I am not well. I fix my own dinner, clean up after the dogs, and keep things going. You used to have dinner ready on late days, flowers for no reason, and smiles all the time. Someone - take care of me. It is too tiring to care for myself. Who is going to care if I am sick at home? Who is going to sit on the bed and check my forehead for fever, keep the phones quiet while I sleep, or snuggle close to keep me safe. Take care of me. Love me.

I miss you Tommy.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I have loved you forever. Too long was spent not knowing or understanding the depth of that love. I love you. I love you. I love you. How can I love you when you are no longer here? Who cares! I love you. I love you. I love you.

Can you hear my heart cry? Can you know the sorrow that is trapped inside me? You were perfect for me and I failed to see it at first. I learned, I knew, I experienced it. Now you are gone. 17 months - and still I cry for you.

Tommy - I love you. I love you. I love you.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The sky is gray with clouds. Dark and light in uneven patterns that have been shaped by the winds that blow them. So like my life and my dreams. Combinations of dark and light, patterned by the events of years that have moved through and passed by.

Life was never pure light or total darkness. It has always been in patterns and combinations of them both. Days have come when light has been the defining portion. Joy filtered through moments and events. Laughter was ever present among even the tears. Looking back - you were the light. You brought the joy and laughter into my life. You filled it with your presence which pushed the darkness aside. Life's patterns of dark and light were brightened by you.

Now - the darkness returns. Your presence is not there to push it aside and bring light into my day. The patterns are darker. But not as they were before you. Your memory lives in me. It is that remembrance that continues to lighten the darkness. It is my turn to push the darkness aside. Your love makes it possible. My love for you. The future brings new patterns of dark and light. I push for the light. I push toward you.

I miss you. There are no other words to express it. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Our Granddaughter. She is a part of you. I see you in her. But even more, beloved of my heart, I see you in Joe. Your fierce love and protectiveness. It is there in the son you fathered. He loves her. He knows the pride you felt when you saw your son. He is you in many ways. You would be so proud of him.

As winter passes through - I think of you. Sitting by the fireplace, watching the flames in the darkness, I think of you. Although happiness has found me again - I miss you more than I could have known. As life filters through my mind I realize how many things I should have changed and cannot. Just know that I love you. I will always love you.