Sunday, September 23, 2012

September 23

There are days when certain things come into greater focus and I see with a clarity that is not always available. Today is one of those days.

I have been sad for several days. Tom is never far from my thoughts and the loneliness wears at my soul. But God has a way to force my eyes to see what I have forgotten. I am redeemed. I do not have to live by the codes of this earth. Nor do I have to feel guilty because my heart is not in a day. God loves me just as I am and he loved me just as I was the day He saved me.

Tom is happy now. He is not in pain. He does not grieve. There is no sorrow in his heart. I shall see him again but, until then, it is OK for me to miss him. Guilt has plagued and divided me.

I am redeemed. I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb. There is therefore no condemnation - no fear - no guilt. It is OK to live another day. It is OK to grieve my loss. It is OK!

God is bigger than my pain. He is bigger than my sorrow. I am known from the inside out. What I don't understand of me - God does. Maybe someday - He will share it with me. Until then - I am confused, grieving, sorrowing, and OK in the sight of my God.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

September 22

Crying again.

Learning to live on my income is worse than I thought. I have money going into my retirement that I may have to pull out. Broke and there is still another week until payday. It is time for me to learn how to and not to spend money. Sometimes I forget and buy things I shouldn't.

It will take time.

Two years I have walked alone..
Not alone
but alone
Tom is not here
And sometimes I don't let God be here either.
He stays though.
God knows I need Him.
It just feels alone.
Weariness overwhelms me
Weeping sends floods of tears through my soul
I drown in what I do not weep
And yet I weep rivers and flood my life with them.
Drowning - yes - I am drowning.
Again in grief
Again in loneliness

I wrote this a few months ago - how true it remains.

Here I am again
Kneeling at Your feet.
Washing with my tears
Drying with my hair

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving You I come

Walking in Your way
Hearing words of hope
Seeking all You say
Loving you - I come

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in Your Presence
Loving you I come

Praying in the night
Singing of Your love
Crying out my pain
Crying out again

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving you I come

Thursday, September 20, 2012

September 20

It isn't easy to separate my life and my work. September has had some very difficult days. I have to focus on the students during the day but, over and over, Tom invades my thoughts and fills my heart.

I was to scream when the kids need more than I have to give. Of course, I give it to them but sometimes I can't focus. My heart and mind are on other things, people, and places. My memories return that haven't surfaced in so long. Tom laying beside me in bed, quiet moments watching a movie or a night sky, laughter at pure silliness. Could I be grieving? I know not.

It isn't easy being a widow and trying to live among those who aren't. When will they expect me to be sane and rational? When will the tears have to cease? Will they walk away when I mention him? How can I not mention the other half of myself?

Oh Tommy - it just isn't the same without you. Most of the time - I am OK. But lately it has gotten more and more difficult. It's like I'm going back in time and Tom is here - he is sitting in the living room. He is listening to a rehash of my school day and giving me words of wisdom to live by. He is tired - but doing well. We are talking future - He will live. Alaska, Singapore, Australia - all places we discuss and plan for. Alaska next summer - Singapore in a year or two. All memories - all gone.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

September 9

Today I went to church. In fact, I went to my old church- a church where I feel at home. After Tom died - I left there. The pain was too much and I was angry. Angrier than I knew. Today, I was at peace. At least, with that church. I missed them. I missed the camaraderie, the smiles, the laughter. But mostly, I missed the Gospel being preached without apology, without showmanship, and without fear. The truth is the truth - and there is not other way to put that.

I miss Tom. He was a definite presence in my life. It was he that welcomed me when I came home from work and he who refocused me when I strayed off the path of sanity. These are things I need and miss. But - I do not grieve for him.

Tom is happy now and I can not grieve that. He is worshiping God forever. He walks with our daughter, his parents, my father, and others. I grieve not for him - but for me.

I miss him. But - I am happy. It is time to be happy more than I am not. It is time to worship my God and rejoice in His presence each day. There is more missing from my life than Tom. I have been missing a relationship with my God, my Savior, my Jesus.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

September 8

Tommy is home - or he was two years ago. He was doing so well. There was no clue of what was coming in just a few, short weeks. He was handsome and gentle. It was good to come home and find him there. Our son and daughter-in-love came and helped him when I couldn't. Amanda was such a dream. She still is. She helped Tom with meds and kept him company sometimes.

Tom and I were talking about going to Alaska that following summer. We wanted to take a cruise. He had spent over 20 years in the Navy and he still wanted to take a cruise so that I could be with him. What a wonderful man he was.

Monday, September 3, 2012

September 3

It has been a long day already. Although I am tired, there is much to do. The house has not been put together since I moved in over a year ago. The laundry is in various stages of done and I am not ready for a week of teaching. Day by day I count down to the anniversary of Tom's death. Can't help it.

Two years ago - Tom was in rehab. He was doing well although he had suffered a massive migraine that left him confused for a while. He was in good spirits and planning on getting out in a week or so.

Two years ago - I had a husband who loved me and wanted my happiness. Two years ago - I was so stressed out that I didn't know if I was coming or going. School was good but I was new on campus and I was struggling to get things together while visiting Tom each day. Were it not for an administration that was compassionate and caring - I would not have made it. Teachers were encouraging and supportive.

Two years ago - I had not idea of a future without Tom. Two years... such a long time and a short time. Two years - how much can change in two years.