It isn't easy to separate my life and my work. September has had some very difficult days. I have to focus on the students during the day but, over and over, Tom invades my thoughts and fills my heart.
I was to scream when the kids need more than I have to give. Of course, I give it to them but sometimes I can't focus. My heart and mind are on other things, people, and places. My memories return that haven't surfaced in so long. Tom laying beside me in bed, quiet moments watching a movie or a night sky, laughter at pure silliness. Could I be grieving? I know not.
It isn't easy being a widow and trying to live among those who aren't. When will they expect me to be sane and rational? When will the tears have to cease? Will they walk away when I mention him? How can I not mention the other half of myself?
Oh Tommy - it just isn't the same without you. Most of the time - I am OK. But lately it has gotten more and more difficult. It's like I'm going back in time and Tom is here - he is sitting in the living room. He is listening to a rehash of my school day and giving me words of wisdom to live by. He is tired - but doing well. We are talking future - He will live. Alaska, Singapore, Australia - all places we discuss and plan for. Alaska next summer - Singapore in a year or two. All memories - all gone.