Thursday, June 20, 2013

June 20

Well, that didn't last long. Facebook page was closed for one whole day. Can't communicate with some friends without it.  However, there are new rules. I get 5-10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes some other time during the day. 

Also, I speak of nothing of importance. If people upset me - I either ignore them or drop them. Thus is life.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

June 18

Closed my Facebook page today.
People upset me and I want to tell them what I think - and that would rip apart a family. Giving up my fun is better than giving up my family.

I can't go back into a classroom of children again. Even thinking about them and the silly mistakes we all make with them, makes me cry. Can't people see that the thoughtlessness they show to these wonderful special kids can last a lifetime in the mind and heart of the child.

Maybe I should give up on life itself. Nobody understands the pain of watching these kids when people inadvertently hurt them. I love them all - I love them. Can't handle them being hurt.
These are kids who have been injured by the thoughtless remarks of others. Children who have been brought to tears by careless 'caring' adults.These are my kids. One is like a 12 year old  in a 3 year old body. People gasped when they saw her lack of hair. She knew what they were thinking about. One, had a rebuilt face. You don't think he knew when people looked away it was because of his weird features? He was a smart kid. One, went on to become a speaker at his 8th grade commencement.  People hurt them - without ever trying.

Monday, June 17, 2013

June 17

This is Zoe
This is life
This is all - that I would hope for
Given the chance - to hope
Zoe, Joe, Amanda, Becky
We are family

Sunday, June 9, 2013

June 9

Do Over - If I could choose a do-over - what would it be? Were I to remove the greatest pain in my life - my life would never have been. I would never have known the joys and pains of this world as I did. It was the pain that brought the joy.

No visiting White Sands with Tom.
 No Joe to give me the most beautiful granddaughter in the world.

No Tom - to make me smile and laugh. No man to show me what love really it.

                                                                  No dudie bug.
Still there are times - when the pain overwhelms me. At these times I wish I could do over parts of my life. Get rid of the painful moments; the mistakes, the misjudgements.

Sometimes I still wish for

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

June 5th

Is this me or was this me? 
Is this long ago and far away or is it now? 

In this time, past or present, there were moments of pure joy in childhood. But, even then, I held the darkness in my hands. 
Can you see a child in pain? 
Can you see the stripes she bore at so young an age? 
Is that the angel of death behind her gloating, grasping,and sucking life from her?
Or, were they figments of a vivid imagination? 
False memories? 

They were real. This is me. Today. Lost in time. Stuck in the muck and mire of time, memories, and pain. This is me.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

June 2nd - Again

I will die. One day, I will die. Everything and everyone does. Nothing and no one lives on this earth forever. Some - don't even get the number of a man's days. 

In my brain - I know what others do not. I have no right to live. And yet, no right to end the life I have. My body will continue until the full measure of my time on this earth is done.

Not everyone knows why I should not live. How that right was forfeited. However, I know. 
I know. Never will my brain or my heart let me forget the unforgettable and unforgivable. Yes- I will live, knowing I should not. Pleading for an end to the insanity of thoughts. 

I will live. 

June 2, 2013

Three years ago - I didn't work the summer. Tom and I went to New York. We took buses, taxis, trains, and walked. Couldn't do subways because of the walker.

While there, we went to two Broadway shows. It was so much fun. We went to the Tutankhamen exhibit, the Botanical Gardens, a harbor cruise, and out on an old Schooner. He watched while I helped hoist the sails. What a summer it was.

After New York, we rested awhile before going to Angel's Camp, Las Vegas, and Buena Park. It was a full summer. There was no way to know it would be our last summer together. 

I am not working this summer either. But my plans are much more limited. There will be Dr. appointments, laundry, housework, sorting and cleaning... Not what I had planned - but plans sometimes need to change.  

Friday, May 31, 2013

Again - May 30

Again - I awake
Again - I sleep
Again - I pray
Again - I drink
Again - I slip into oblivion
Darkness slips over me
The day is over - Again

Thursday, May 30, 2013

May 30

Tiredness creeps in like small spiders on my window

Each yawn a reminder that sleep is coming soon
I am ready

A day is finishing without protest or angst

Dreams are preparing in invade my mind
Of you

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

May 29 - A New Beginning

Working has always been so stressful. I don't know how many times my mind thought of death. How many times did I break down and cry all the way home. Tom used to understand and then he was no more. Years of feeling like a coward because I wouldn't/couldn't stand up for my kids as I should. Years of being sick.

No more. 90 days to figure it out. Oh God - help us figure it out. I am done. I can't go back. I can't teach. I can't pretend. I can't lie. 

Monday, May 27, 2013

May 27

It has been a long day
A day filled with love
with laughter
with hope

It has been a long week
A week filled with frustration
with heartache
with grief

Will it end?
This long week's pain
It's heartache and grief?
Will it ever be over?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

May 22

It had been a long day.
I am beginning to understand the damage that stress can do.
The pain in my hand had limited what I'm able to do. It is changed the way I function daily. pain had taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am right handed. Not being able to use my right hand is very difficult.

Nobody thinks about using their hands until they don't have one. I type with my hand, wash my hair with my hand, get out of the bathtub using my hand, do my hair with my hand, write with my hand, open doors with my hand, Et cetera...

I struggle to do any of these things any longer. It hurts and I am tired.

I am very tired. I am tired of pain and being tired.

Even work is a struggle for me any more. I can't do it. It causes more stress, more pain, and frankly I truly do not feel appreciated or what I do. Actually, I feel appreciated but not understood.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

May 21

It has been so long since I have been here. So long since I have written what is in my heart and on my mind. There are times when words are not adequate for everything. These past weeks have been filled with those times.

I am sick. Not cancer, or rabies, or any other horrible disease. But, none the less, I am sick. Stress is causing my body to rebel and I can't take it any longer. It is time to call it quits. Time to move on and find another means of employment. My district doesn't care about me, my students, or any other special needs child. It is all money for them. Too many students in a classroom, too many students on a caseload, too many...

I am sick every day I work. After surgery, I was home for four weeks. I wasn't sick. A few days back at work and it all started again. Yesterday, I had a melt down. There was no way for my mind to contain the pain any longer. I fled my room! My assistants had to take over.

I am done.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

February 6

It has been 2 years and 4 months since Tom died. It has been difficult but I am finally finding my new normal. In fact, I am happy with who I am becoming. I am more assertive and yet controlled. Slowly I am learning when to keep my mouth shut and not go off. It isn't easy but is doable.

Tommy, I have loved you for so long. Yes, even before I knew it. You have taught me to stand strong and not give up. I haven't. In fact, I am stronger than ever and ready to make changes that are frightening. However, thanks to you- your faith - God's faith in me - It is going to fine.

I still love you.

Friday, January 18, 2013

January 18

Maybe not. I think the grief has faded and then, like a smoldering ash, it bursts into flame. Those flames destroy all they touch.