Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Evening

I have tried to pack boxes but all I do is cry. I am alone tonight for the first time ever. This really sucks. Time to get drunk and forget. I'm not sure there is enough wine to make me forget how it was.

This too shall pass. But my night is so hard.

Going Nuts for Love

It isn't what it sounds like. I took my daughter-in-love to pick out her Christmas present - a bike. I wanted her with me so that she could pick what she wanted and what would fit her well. If Tom were here - he would have taken her to the local cycle shop and let her pick what she wanted. Price would not have mattered. It's what I did. The bike she picked was perfect for her. Hot pink, basket on the front, comfortable. After she rode off home and Joe took off to follow her, I talked to Tom.

I did what Tom would have done and it made me cry. Missing him has not stopped. I don't cry all the time - but days like today make me miss him so much. He would have made wise cracks about the bike and had everybody laughing. He knew how to make life fun. He went nuts for love. We were one person. So today - I went nuts for love. I love him and I love her.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Theme for the new year

When I saw my counselor, he wanted to know what my theme was going to be for 2011. After considerable thought, I think it is coming together. It won't be anything simple - lose 11 pounds in 2011. It has to be more 'me'.

Theme for the new year - it must be about being open to new thoughts and ideas. So many things have changed this year that next year will bring many opportunities to recreate my life. I must find the new 'normal'. It has to include allowing myself to change or delete old ideas. It isn't enough to allow new ones - I must adapt the old ones.

It has been a year of endings, deaths, pain. Something in 2011 must bring life, beginnings, and joy.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Coffee, paper, and a nonsucky day

Another day that doesn't suck. This makes several in a row. In fact, today is better than most. Coffee and paper with puppy in lap this morning. She wanted to help me read the paper which doesn't work too well. She likes to help me on the computer too. She loves me. I am devoted to her. She brings a fun kind of laughter to my heart that I have missed for so long.

I need to start thinking seriously about getting this house in order. I have let it go so badly. Time to change. It's a bit overwhelming but Lizzy and I can do it. I will clean and she will drag things around and mess things up. A perfect partnership.

Monday, December 27, 2010

New Grief

I have lost my wig. Now this is a major loss. I have checked the back yard in case the puppy got it - not there. I have checked everywhere in the house she might have dragged it - nope. This is a mystery and a grief. I loved that wig.

It is easy to see that life is getting better. I feel so much more alive. Part of me feels guilty because I am finding joy without Tom. I loved him. I love him. But I am alive and it can't always be sad. Days will come when sadness will rise to the top. But not today. I am going wig hunting in the house. Today I will laugh at the antics of a boston terrier puppy. I will drink coffee and maybe get another game of scrabble with Mom and Mary. Today - I will live in joy.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Yesterday was Christmas. It was a day for hope, love, and joy. Although I have been so sad and filled with grief, today was different. My sister gave me my husband's quilt. She had taken his favorite Hawaiian shirts and made of cover for the table at his memorial service. It is now the most beautiful quilt. Although I cried when I saw it. It was not grief or sadness. I just missed him and was holding a part of him in my hands. It was happy tears. God bless my sister.

Something has changed in me. Although it may change again, grief may bring tears, today I am happy. My puppy makes me laugh. My heart isn't heavy. I miss my kids at school. It is time to go on with life. Times will come when this isn't how I feel. But I will accept what I have today for what it is - - what I have today.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Merry Christmas!

What gifts do I have for a king today? Jesus - I give you my joy and my laughter, my hope and my praise. To you I give my sorrow, my grief, and my heartbreak. I give you me. Not just part of me - all of me.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

I know this will not be an easy day. But it will be a good day. My wonderful, amazing family will be there. My daughter-in-love, my son, my mother, my brothers and sisters. Jesus will be there. With Him, I can handle all things.

Friday, December 24, 2010


A day filled with laughter and smiles. Not ready for Christmas but ready to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. Went to service with the kids tonight and it was uplifting and joyful. I love my kids. Spoke with the pastor, it was good to be remembered after all these years. To hear my husband spoken of with respect and sadness. As difficult as all this is - I am surviving. In fact, I am more than surviving. I am beginning to thrive. Not stressed all the time. Not crying all the time. God will be here - and I will do well.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Good Day

Today was a good day. I have been concerned for my students and praying they are OK. Went to lunch, shopping, and nails with my daughter-in-law. Dinner with the kids. But, as much as this was good, it wasn't why it was a good day. I slept 14 hours and woke to a good day. I laughed without guilt. There was no fear of the future. I felt hope for the first time in quite awhile.

What was the turning point for this day? I don't know. But I want more of them. The laughter and fun was so good. I don't want to cry or make anyone else cry. The laughter was so filling and sweet.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

God's Love - with skin on it.

We live in a strange society. As empty and painfilled as I am - there is nothing I would not give to feel strong arms around me - holding me - comforting me. But our society has made this almost impossible. Men don't touch women - women don't touch men. We fear society's love affair with legal action. Whatever happened to letting ourselves be used to express God's love for others? A hug does not have to be - was never intended to be - a sexual invitation. It was/is meant to share comfort, strength, and friendship.

A friend once called a hug - God's love - with skin on it. When did we become so afraid to share this with others? The emptiness in my heart is so huge, so painful and there is nothing to change it - no one to ease it. When did hugs become a sin or a crime? I miss my friends from CREDO who would welcome me, ease my sadness, or simply show their love - with strong arms enfolding me. There is no more compassion in our society that is not dictated by legal action or fear of it. I need a father/friend right now. I love my female friends who share hugs sometimes. But something in me is calling for a dad. The strength and protection of a father. Instead - I am alone still.

Was Jesus afraid to touch people? I think not.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Empty house, empty chairs
Talk to the dog
Laugh with the fish
Left behind by more than death
Forgotten by life

Sunday, December 19, 2010

"Cute" T-shirts

Went to San Diego with my sister today. ."WHile waiting for flight bearing her kids, we went to Seaport Village. In the t-shirt shop I saw some cute shirts. One of them upset me badly. "Will sell husband for wine." I know it was a joke - but I was upset. I hear couples argue and make nasty comments and I want to stop them and let them know that life is too short for that. You never know when life will take a nasty turn and end abruptly.

Love your spouse. Hug them daily. Tell them you love them. Watch what you say. Don't let your last words be sarcastic or jokingly nasty. Not "Will sell husband for wine." Will get rid of wine for husband.

Friday, December 17, 2010

balance and storms

Just as dreary as this day. Trouble with house, trouble with loan, trouble with district, trouble with life. Not into Christmas but life goes on.
There's an emptiness the permiates every aspect of my life. Every part of me as a person is affected by Tom's death. Nothing is whole or complete. He was the other half of my heart and soul. He finished my sentences and helped me sort out the insanity of life. He was my shoulder to lean on, my rock to cling to when life was battering me like the waves of an ocean storm. My balance is missing. Not sure if I can get that back without him.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

neurtic mommy and mold

Went to show my younger sister the house I am trying to buy. I have never been so grateful for rain. There is a leak along the roof that is allowing water to get into the garage wall. There was water in the garage and spots of what look to be mold. Back to the owner to have them fix it before buying or I am not buying.

Lizzy got sick.It wasn't anything really. She got carsick and then was acting very strangely at home. She was hiding under the chair. Wouldn't come to me. Shaking. I took her straight to the vet. She is ok but they gave her a shot for nausea and said if it continues - bring her back. I am just a neurotic mommy. Couldn't stand the thought of her being sick or losing her. I just don't have it in me.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Got through another day. Got some understanding of the paycheck snafu but don't agree with how things are being done - by state law. Got an approved paystub and it looks like I am going to get my house. Went to the dentist and everyone was asking how Tom was doing. Very difficult to explain. I will get through it. I have an extraordinary family to help.

Met with Ken at the district office today. Very helpful and encouraging. Will go back to work in January - or lose my job. At least I am forewarned.

Monday, December 13, 2010

10:45 pm

Life is quiet tonight. Fire in the fireplace, dog in lap licking my arms/hands as I try to type, and tv going. Had my matzah ball soup for dinner - now a glass of wine. Thank you God for quiet moments.


Woke up a little after 4:00 and can't get back to sleep. Woke up with too much on my mind. Sometimes I wish my heart and mind could be locked away so I wouldn't think or feel anything unless I wanted to. Put everthing away in a safe or a box. I could take my heart out once or twice a day - feel whatever - and then put it away again. It could make me a little cold and unfeeling the rest of the time - but I wouldn't hurt either. I could confine the pain to times when I am not working, out with people, sleeping, etc... What a thought. I would only lock my mind up at night. It would be so much easier to sleep if it would just shut down for awhile.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Went to church today. Felt so alone and out of sync with everything and everyone. Cried too much. People were nice but it just isn't comfortable yet.

Sang about God the healer. Hard to get the words out - He didn't heal Tom. Actually He healed Tom perfectly but that isn't the healing I wanted. I wanted Tom to stay with me. My life is so upside down now. Before it was just difficult. Without him - impossible.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

work and house

If I don't go back to work, I don't get the house. If I go back to work, I may fall apart. I am so sad. Please, God, make it end. I am afraid of going back but I am more afraid of living in this house. I miss Radar.

Time to get rid of extra junk and pack those things I want to keep but don't need right now. House won't be before February.


I feel almost normal in some ways today. There is no lost feeling - no trapped in a haze feeling. It isn't that everything is OK - it is just different. I am missing Mom and Tom and Radar but not thinking of them all the time.

No word on the house yet. I have only heard that it 'looks good'. It will have to be enough for now. I need to get out of this house. Dear God, I need you too. Don't leave me alone.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Good Bye Radar

She is gone now. Radar has joined Mom and Tom. I am lonely for them. My sweet girl.

Another Sad Day?

Today is a bit of a hard day. I am taking one of the dogs to the vet to be evaluated because of behavior changes. She doesn't like men and that is ok with me. I can put her out or in her bed when men are going to be in the house. Lately - it is different. She has bitten me twice, attacked the other dog in the house, and went after a friend (female) last night. I don't trust her any more. This is a major insurance issue and safety issue for people in my house. What if she gets out? If she bites someone I can't pretend to be surprised and say she has never done it before. She has. She has bitten a couple of people other than me in the past. I am not sure I am prepared for the pain if I have to put her down. Too many losses already this year. But what if she hurts someone? As small as she is - it is possible to do great damage with those teeth of hers. God help me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas and Grief Share

Grief Share last night. Although it felt good to be able to talk with people who are going through this pain, it really caused the hole in me to feel bigger and more ragged around the edges. For days I have cried off and on all the time. Some spoke of dreaming of their lost one. I haven't. It would be wonderful but, it isn't happening. I would love to see his smile, hear his quirky humor, listen to his laughter one more time. I don't dream.

I went shopping for our Christmas giving. We set aside money each year to spend on those who don't have. There was no joy in mudville. I cried part of way over to drop the stuff off. This was OUR time together. We shopped for our angels together. We shopped for our special giving together. We wrapped gifts together. We chose gifts for his sister and niece together. No Mom, No Tom. How can there be a Christmas? I am going through the motions but spending most of it in tears. This isn't Christmas. This is a nightmare.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wednesday Revelations

There is apart of me that is not very nice. I am off work. I have income protection insurance. I am covered. However - the way in works in education - I get my regular days wage minus sub pay. My income protection insurance covers my difference.

Our district laid off teachers last year. These are the subs they are using. They get my whole paycheck. I am not even getting enough to cover retirement or union dues.

Although I am sorry the teachers lost their jobs - this is not right. A sub - by district contract - gets a certain wage. These subs are getting over 3 times that wage.

No - I am not nice.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tuesday Night

Sitting in my jammies in front of the fire while watching TV. It has been a long day but not a bad one. Tears have flowed off and on all day. Everything I am doing is related to Tom's death. I am looking for a house, dealing with credit errors, taking care of insurance issues, etc... None of these would be if he were still here. Well - the credit error would be but I probably wouldn't know about it. It is painful.

I did find a house that I wanted and put an offer in. Hopefully we can get it all together and get me moved out of this house with the new year. I love this house - but I can't afford it without Tom and it reminds me so much of him. We chose the ceiling fans together, the tiles on the floors, the paint on Mom's bedroom walls. It is all part of Tom. We sat forever figuring out which cabinets to buy. Which one's got pullouts and which didn't. It was a stressfull but wonderful time. Now - it's over and I am troubled trying to accept it.

Papers and chart notes and insurance OH MY!

There is a tiredness that descends into the soul when dealing with insurance companies. They want what they want and they want it yesterday. Having dealt with three different companies in the past months my weariness in beyond measure. Today I told them to just get it done. I called doctor's offices and medical records offices and told them that I really needed their help. Since insurance companies can't do their work without screwing it up - I helped them. Both places I called said they would help me out. We shall see.

I have been crying a lot lately. It seems that this weariness of the soul has affected my ability to maintain my composure. I miss Tommy - but this amount of crying is crazy. I think my heart is bleeding and the blood flows out at tears. If it continues - I may not have any blood left.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Movin On again

House I wanted is already sold. Looking ahead and going out shopping again tomorrow. There is a house out there just for me. It is just taking time to find it.

I am tired tonight. I think it is going to be an early night with a sleeping pill. A fire, the girls curled up with me, and sleep. Sounds so good.

Had to deal with crazy people today. They wrote off part of what my mother-in-love owed on the credit card. We split the difference. they put it against my credit and I just found out. Started the horrible crying the wears me out. Tom was so much better at dealing with idiots than me. I just do the best I can.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Yo-Yo days

It has been over two months since Tom died and I am beginning to feel like a yo-yo. Some days seem so hopeful while others seem bleak and sad. Although I am aware that life has been changed forever, I would truly enjoy some stability.

This is a journey that I have to take. There is no choice involved. No choice other than live through the journey - or end it now. Since ending my life is not an option - I must figure out better ways of coping with the journey. The pain will not just disappear. It is time for me to find joy in the midst of the pain and take better care of myself. I have not been doing a very good job of that. It is time.

Part one of the journey includes finding a house to call home and getting some of this unhealthy weight back off of me. (I have gained 30 pounds since Tom got sick in August)  I have found a house that I would like and have started that process. Today - I start working on the second half of that as well. I know that there will still be Yo-Yo days when it all seems to fall apart but, I will just have to pick myself up and keep going.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

late night turkey

Turkey is almost done. I started it really late and I am paying for it. It is almost 11:00pm.  I am excited though.. I really have wanted turkey.

We did all kinds of things at odd hours. It didn't matter what others might do. We always did our own thing. This is hard. I want him to do crazy things with me. There isn't the same fun and joy in it this time. I guess I can't change what iis - so I might as well change myself.

1 am - - - again

Yes - it's 1 in the morning again. The only reason I am awake is how full my mind is with all that is happening in life. Unfortunately - when I stay up late I eat and drink more. Not a good combination.

Why can't life ssettle down and make sense again. I used to love going to bed. It was comfortable and safe. Now, it's lonely and sad. Even with the new bed, it isn't right somehow. I still en dup on the couch 3 or 4 days a week.

I am lonely and I am scared. It should be possible for me to go back to work after the holidays and I am so frightened. My job is stressful. It takes so much out of me each day. I truly care about each child and thier education.. I care about their future and happiness. But the energy it requries of me is enourmous. I am not sure I can do it again. I spend so much time each day just keeping myself moving and breathing. A friend has told me that I should think about taking the rest of the year. Part of me wants to but I have responsibilities at work. These are my kids. But = right now - I can't stand the sound of children.

Will I ever be able to teach again?

Friday, December 3, 2010

new house?

It isn't what it should be - this life of mine. It simply is what it is. As much as I want to move on - I want to stay with my memories. I am not ready to leave Tom behind. I cry for no reason and feel guilty when I laugh. Is there no end to confusion and pain?

Looking at houses has been a distraction but finding one has caused such sorrow. It will be mine and no other's. Tom will not be in corners of the room, in the kitchen cabinets and floors. It will be my house. Not sure I can do this.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


It is almost 1am. I am sure that there are better things for me to be doing but I am up and watching a movie. It is an old movie that Tom and I enjoyed. Disney of course.

Once I dreamed of tomorrow.
You were there - with me.
We walked along quiet streets
Took time with all to see.

Now I dream of yesterday
When tomorrow was just a dream
You aren't here with me
Nothing is what it should be.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

yesterday - Lennon (sort of)

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,I'm not half the (wo)man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why (he) she had to go I don't know (he) she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.


Sitting in Bob's Big Boy with the kids this morning. The song 'Yesterday' started playing. Of course, Joe sang along. Suddenly neither of us could enjoy it.  I was crying. Joe was crying. It has a whole new meaning now.

This is not a good day - - - yet. Am going to look at some houses, see my kids again, visit with my sister, and clean house. It has possibilities.

I had no idea that life could hurt this bad. There are days when I think I am getting the hang of it and then there are days like this. I think I need to make bread. That should heal everything?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Missing Tom tonight. Tired of feeling alone. 

Let your heart bleed
Red tears that flow over the day
Let your pain be a river
That washes fear away.

Another Day

Today I have decided that things have got to change. Since Tom got sick in August I have gained 30 pounds. This is nuts. I am still alive and if I am going to stay that way - changes must be made. I can't sit around and wait for life to happen. It is time to go find some of it. Walk the dogs more? Ride my bike? (NO) Eat less. Drink less. I think I may be crazy but it needs to be a healthier crazy. Over all, I don't much care if I live or die, but if I am going to live - it's time to do it right.

Today - going shopping with my mom, medication check appointment, going to walk Lizzy this afternoon, and pack 4 boxes. I might even throw in cleaning a bathroom, and working on the baby blanket I am making for soon to be great niece. We shall see.

Monday, November 29, 2010

10 am

This has got to be the hardest thing any woman ever goes through. Some days I feel like Tom is in the other room and everything is OK then...I remember and everything begins to suck. Other days - I remember he is gone from the first moment I wake up in the morning but the day goes alright anyway. However the emptiness in me never leaves. It just sits there craving something to fill it in. I don't know what to do. Will I ever forget about him? Sometimes I hope so. It might lessen the pain.

Just for a moment
I close my eyes
pretending what can never be.
Just for a moment
You are there
Filling the void with your presense
Just for a moment
There is no pain
I am cushioned in your quiet embrace.

1 am

Almost 1am. Life sucks. Awake and in pain. God help me - I can't do this.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bomb Cake

Cake was a bomb. Threw it away. Have to start again. New ideas for Rocky Road.

I am really struggling in the evenings. Although I do well during the day, evening destroy me. I eat everything in sight. Weight has come back that I worked hard to lose and I hate it. Of course, what's new? I hate just about everything these days. I hate being alone. I hate missing Tom, I hate getting up in the morning. I hate going to bed at night. I hate having to move. I hate living here. I hate Wachovia/Wells Fargo. I hate me.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Cake day

Is it the day that is dreary - or is it just me? Everything seems dark and overcast - my day, my heart, my life. I will bake a cake for friends. Something along the line of Rocky Road. Not totally sure yet. In fact, I am going to call and see if she would like to have some coffee and visit for awhile. Too easy to lock myself up in this house and stew.

Took Lizzy for a walk. She is getting better on the leash. The recycle truck scared her. She wanted off the sidewalk and away from that sound. The driver just smiled and waved. Nice guy.

Friday, November 26, 2010


It seems so long ago that we sat in this room, watching the fish swimming, a good movie on the tube, and the dogs wrestling. It seems so long - was it only two months ago? I still talk to you. It seems strange that you aren't answering my questions or commenting on my Jane Austen movies. The girls don't look for you anymore. They find my lap or settle on the couch. Am I the only one waiting for you to come home?

I know you aren't coming. You are home. You walk the streets of heaven with our Lord. You have no pain, no fear, no trouble. Knowing this leaves me with mixed emotions. I miss you but would not call you back to the pain you lived with. Now, only I am in pain.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Sometimes it is hard to be thankful when life seems to be kicking you when you are down. But I am thankful. Thankful for family and friends who truly care about me. Thankful for crazy dogs who fight over who gets to sit in my lap.(They both fit) Thankful for cold days that allow me to build a fire. Thankful for a daughter-in-love who likes to go to breakfast with a sad old woman. Thankful for a psychologist who doesn't seem to think I am totally nuts. Thankful for a son who really cares if I am happy. Thankful for a God who loves me despite knowing everything about me. Thankful to have someone to bake cakes for.

The list goes on. I may not seem thankful sometimes. But I truly am. Life is so hard right now that sometimes I forget. I am thankful to Sarah who posted this on Facebook. It was a glorious reminder.                    

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your blessings - name them one by one - count your many blessings, see what God has done."

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Salmon spend time each year of their lives swimming upstream. Fighting the surging forces that would send them crashing back down to the ocean they have lived and survived in throughout the year. They fight to get to that peaceful place where they can spawn, creating new life and then return to their ocean abode. They fight the raging waters that would smash them against the rocks and those intent on feasting on their flesh.

Some days I feel that I am that salmon fighting again raging rivers of pain to find that peaceful place where life will begin again. If the fight does not destroy me, if I am not caught by those seeking to devour me, I will find that place and life will begin anew.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Saw Your Smile Again

I saw your smile again.
The impish one - the joyful one.
I saw  your smile again
And felt blessed and even more lonely.
Your life fulfilled mine.
Your strength covered my weakness.
Your weakness allowed me to be strong.
I saw your smile again
As I wept for all I have lost.
You will smile in my heart forever
Just as I weep with each new day.
I saw your smile again.

7 am

Got a little sleep but have been up again for over an hour. I will try to get some work done before errands and appointments.

God bless my daughter-in-law. There is no way I would have gotten anything done yesterday without her. She is my motivator. Today - I will try to get some done on my own although - I am not very good at it. I see stuff I need to pack and memories begin. Some sad, some happy. It is so easy to get lost in them and forget what I am doing.

It seems a bit strange to pack things I want to keep when I am still living here, but it needs to be done and it isn't stuff I am using. Better to get it done now than wait until the last minute and have to rush. It is also a good time for sorting out things I don't want or need.

2 am

Waking in darkness
Listening  to the night
Sleep lost for another day.
You fill me
Your essense surrounds me
Yet - I am alone.
I choose the solitary
Over your presense
Lost in my pain.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hidden Joy

So tired this afternoon. Sorting and packing some things wore me out. Not physically - mentally, emotionally. God help me - I can't do this alone. Amanda helped but getting used to being alone is more than I can handle right now.

Sorrow - like waves on the ocean - roll gently through me,  over me. Hopelessness fills my every waking moment. Joy is hidden by walls of grief and pain. Fall, falling - down to the depths of death. My freedom.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


I miss you Tommy.


It was hard today. Seeing Christmas trees was fun but part of the conversation was difficult. Does anyone really understand what it is to be alone all the time? Invited, uninvited, others invited, left alone. Then discuss it in front of me? Painful. They don't even realize they hurt me.

This is more than I bargained for. I want out. Isn't there someway to live without feeling this pain? This lonliness? If not - it is time for me to find another way.

Friday, November 19, 2010


I have been seeing a therapist in recent weeks and I have learned to respect and trust him a great deal. This kind of trust does not happen with me often or easily. It frightens me. I want to share things with him that I would never have thought about sharing with anyone. It won't happen. I will be very careful.

Although I write here, I have been writing a type of journal as well. There are always things you don't want others to read. Letters have been written to Tom, Dean, Fritz, and no one. It is freeing to write what is happening inside of me. It doesn't get rid of the pain, but sometimes it helps me to understand it better.

my place to share

Saw some houses today. I like two of them but want to see more before making a final decision. None are quite what I want but two would work.

Went to GriefShare dinner. It was good. The speaker spoke from the heart and the Word of God. Very good.

I have quit writing too much on Facebook. I don't want the perpetual negative on my profile. Nobody needs to see that. I don't want to hide how things are but it just doesn't seem fair.

This is my place to post more of the truth. This isn't private but not too many people see it. This is more for me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Quiet tonight.
Didn't get to look at houses - problem on realtors end. Didn't pack anything either. Crawled into bed for the afternoon and hid.  Can't think. Good night!

Grieving, sorting, packing.

Grief is a hard, confusing thing. Some days it seems to not be there. I feel alive and free. Other days - life drags by and I want nothing to with continuing on. Today is a mix so far. Enjoyed breakfast with my daughter and spending time with her straightening my counters. But there is a heaviness in me that just won't lift. Sometimes it feels like someone has covered me with ten ton weight and I am being forced to the ground under it. My chest hurts, my legs hurt, my arms hurt. I am so tired.

Today is my day to start packing some of the knick knacks and memorabilia that I am going to keep. Sorting through will not be easy. So many memories.  I am also supposed to go look for a house later. I still haven't found one that I can afford to buy that will suit my needs. Part of me wishes I could just stay here. I hate mortgage companies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

a prayer

Father -
Could it be
That all that has happened
Will be good for me?
Will my heart
Will it heal?
Will it see your love revealed?
Be my strength
Lead me through
Until your light is renewed.

Grief Share

Went to a grief sharing group tonight. Recommended by the best therapist I have ever had. He was right. I think it will be good for me in the end.

Spoke a little. Realized in watching the video and listening to the others, that many of the feelings I am experiencing are similar to others. I am  not sure I agree with everything I heard but it was good. They say there is hope and I don't see it. I see only pain day after day. They say our lives don't end when a loved one dies - I disagree. My life went on when grandpa died. My life went on when grandma died. My life on when my daughter died. My life continued even when my mother-in-law died.  This is different. This death took half of me away. I am only half a person living half a life. This is not me.

Why couldn't God take me with Tom? Why leave me here to sort this all out without him? Doesn't he know that Tom was the cornerstone of my life? A building that loses its cornerstone will soon crumble and fall. I am falling - into a pit without a bottom.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

help + help + help = need more help

Couldn't deal with everything alone - so I got antidepressants. They didn't help enough - started seeing a psychologist. Great guy - great help. Not enough - going to psychiatrist to adjust/change medications. 

This is all more than I can deal with. Sometimes - too often - I feel like I want it to be over. That isn't possible at this point in time. God frowns on suicide and my kid would be hurt beyond belief. I love him too much to be stupid. But the pain is worse almost everyday. I think it is truly a lie to say that it gets better. Yes Lori, I know - eventually. I may not survive to eventually.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Didn't Know

I didn't know.
When life was good and I felt strong...
I didn't know.
When pain cut like a knife into my heart...
I didn't know.
When joy overflowed and happiness reigned
I didn't know.

I didn't know that pain like this existed.
I didn't know that pain could destroy all joy.
I didn't know that strength was not enough.
I didn't know what it felt like to die over and over and over.
I didn't know and wish I still didn't.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Sunday morning - stayed in bed. It is now almost noon. I am up, dressed (sort of), have a cup of coffee, and am already crying. I am so lonely. This is not supposed to be this way. Tom should be here driving me crazy and wanting to go out and eat. The kids should be calling and inviting mom to join them. Being alone sucks.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


People say 'it will get better'. I don't see it. It is getting worse. The pain, the emotional outbursts, the fragility.  This is not better. This is the pits. If this is 'better'  what the hell is coming next? Don't smile at me and tell me it will be ok. It will NEVER be ok. It will NEVER get better. This is what it is and I HATE it! Keep this life - I don't want it.

Friday, November 12, 2010


I was actually screaming today. Driving the car, crying, and screaming. Dangerous but a fact of life. There are days when I know I can't take anymore and more comes along. don't want to do this anymore. It is time for it to be over.

Too fragile to keep going. Too tired to try.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A New Day

Slept on 'my' bed last night. I woke up several times but it was still good. It is more comfortable to sleep on a bed that was never 'his' or 'ours'. Bought new sheets, pillows, and cover. Now I just need to get a blanket, iron the bed skirt, and put it all together properly.

It seems sometimes that I can handle the day when I am looking at it from this position. It is early. It is quiet. Surely this is the day that I bring myself all together so that I can get on with life. Then...the day really starts. I open my eyes, make coffee, the phone rings - and I lose it again. I forget what I'm doing and start something else. Then I remember what I was doing originally, leave the second thing I started and go back to the first. There are days I have half a dozen things going at the same time and none of them get done. I think about going back to work and cringe. I don't want to be around children. There problems need someone who can  focus on them and give them the attention they deserve. This is not the time yet. Will it ever come? I don't know. Doctor says this is not the time. I will trust him to help me get there.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Thought about Fritz, Al, and Z

Having felt and having known
the comfort and the strength
that somes from loving arms
wrapped in strong embrace.
And having heard the soothing sound
of anothers rhythmic heartbeat
as only can be heard
from your head resting against their chest.
Having shared this quiet strength,
this comfort  of a friend
A time and place for tears to flow
For hope to begin again.
It is hard to sit alone
To cry in empty space
Not to have loving hands
Wiping tears from your face.
Not all friends are lovers
It is not a lovers place
To be the loving friend
And share that strong embrace.
I miss my gentle friends
Who were not afraid of me.
Those who shared thier open arms
Their strength, their hope, their peace.

Another new beginning.

Bought a new bed yesterday. Couldn't sleep on the old one any longer. It was 'our' bed. It was his bed. For some reason I could not make it my bed. They delivered mine this morning. Why does it make me happy/sad? It is a good bed. I will enjoy it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Do you remember?
Do you remember that day we sat, talking for hours
In that small drive-in?
Do you remember?
We talked about what our children would look like.
Cute blendings of joy.
Do you remember?
We promised to be together to the end.
You lied.

What is normal?

Today was a day. Good day? Bad day? A day. There is no normal, ordinary day any more. I cry without warning and don't want to be who I am. I can't work and feel guilty for not working. I wish I had died and TOm had lived. He would know what to do.

I need to find a different house but I don't want what I can afford. They are nasty, small houses. I want to move around, invite family over, and feel comfortable where I am. Why did he leave me in this position? Why am I alone? Why am I still here?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Moving ahead?

Taking care of business is part of moving ahead. But how do you take care of business when others don't do their part correctly? Paramedics report - wrong. ER physician report - WAY wrong. Yes they can be fixed but why should they have to be? Why couldn't they be done correctly the first time? I need to turn these reports in for life insurance purposes. But not incorrect reports.

I don't want to move ahead any more today. I am planting myself right here.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Today has been a fragile day. Before the nonsense at church - I was fragile. Everything is painful and incredibly undoable.It seems that tears never cease and joy is lost. Even my new fish missing. What a sad day. Tired of being asked when I plan on going back to work. I never want to go back. I never want to deal with other people's problems and pain. There is so much of my own. I will go back. But when? When will I get through a day without this level of lostness? When will a day pass without tears and horrific pain? Then - I will consider it.
Went to my church and decided I can't handle the base speakers any longer. Left there and went to my kids church. Loved it. Sunday school was also great. Think I will attend Wednesday service and see how it goes. I love the people in my church but when the base is turned up - I get sick. It is also hard to sit there Sunday after Sunday alone. Too much of Tom there.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Lost and Found

Went to the fish store and saw a fish I wanted for my tank. I started to get it but it disappeared. We searched everywhere in their tank for it. Finally gave up figuring it had jumped ship and was gone into their filtration system or out the back of the tank. Got a call an hour later - come get your fish. It had burrowed in the sand and not come out until things calmed down. 
Joy is like that sometimes I think. Hidden just out of sight but still there...waiting for a calm moment before it can come out. There have been few moments of such joy recently. Maybe I need to work on the calm so that I can find the joy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A Moment of Illumination

I got a check today for 'the estate of Thomas George Weyant'. It was part of the survivor benefits. It dawned on me that Joe and Amanda were survivors too. We have all been left behind to deal with life without Tom. They are so good to me, helping me with anything that has come up. It is my turn to share with them.

A thought about God

It is early but I have hopes of this being a good day. I haven't cried yet. Read in the Word this morning about how God uses correction to bring us back to Him. Recent years have seen me slacking off of reading the Word and praying. Now I am depending  upon it to keep me sane and get me through each day. I don't think that God took Tom to make me see where I have been in error - but I do believe that He is using it to help me. I have tried to be so strong in myself but it hasn't worked. I need my Father. He is so good to me.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

River of Pain

Over rocks and trees it flows
The river to the sea.

Through the chasms deep if flows
Recklessly into the sea.

Oh this tumultuous flood does flow
Deep inside of me.

And on it rides in quiet peace
My Savior and My Lord
Now I hear Him calling me
Come out and come aboard.

A way to heal

They say that time heals all wounds. I am not too sure that is possible for this wound. My beloved - My best friend - My husband Tom died on October 2, 2010 at the age of 60. His great love for me has kept me going for years. Now - he is gone. I sit in the evening watching the fish swim --the dogs play and sleep -- and wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't hurt. Knowing that he is in the presence of an Almighty God - enjoying eternity - gives me some peace and comfort. But I miss him.

Maybe if I can write what is happening in me - I will be able to work through the pain and find a new normal for my life. We shall see.