Sunday, July 31, 2011

How Are You?

Friend: How are you?
Me: I'm OK.
Friend: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

: How are you?
Me: It's been a rough day but I'm OK.
Family: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

God: I know how you are.
: Father I am in so much pain. Sometimes I think I might be OK but it doesn't
last. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out while I breathe.
Other times I don't think I can breathe. The nights are long and filled with emptiness - the days are filled with forgetting and pretending. How long can it endure?
God: I am here always daughter.
Me: Thanks Daddy.

Thursday, July 28, 2011


One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Moving through shadows and light
Day after day
Week after week
Month after month

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Another day begins anew
Already I wish it done
But there are steps to take today
Places to go
Things to do
One foot - then the other
One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Step upon step
Moving forward - most of the time

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Moving on

Away - that is where you are - where I will be
Away - not far - but too far for me - right now

It isn't pleasant without you here - sometimes the pain is more that I can bear
Your shadow is everywhere - I see you in your son's face - in his jokes - everyplace.
It doesn't seem fair somehow - that you are gone - and I am stuck right here.

You would be pleased with me I think. I have been stronger than I thought possible.
I have learned to laugh and cry at the same time.
Moving on - that's what they call it - moving on from where to where? Or is it just moving? I don't know.
But I am moving somewhere. There has been no chance to stand still and figure things out. It is just one step after the other and I find when I look back - I have moved on.

Monday, July 25, 2011


From the ashes
life renews
gritty, determined, dusty
from the refuse
hope rebuilds
where once death prevailed
Out of the ashes - life
Out of life - Ashes
Great circles upon circles
ash upon ash

The Silence is Over

Did you see?
Did you hear?
The tearless silence is over.
Grief pours like a fiery river from my soul.
It burns as they flow down in rivulets from my eyes.

Tommy - sweet Tommy - I am lost
Everything here is right - but still wrong -
Did you see?
Did you hear?
Your memory fills me with joy - and sadness.
It is not possible to go on - pretending life is good.
Life is only an imitation now - a shadow - a misery.

I miss you.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I was wrong. I thought that grief was tears. It isn't! There is so much pain that I don't understand. Too much to handle - too much pain. There are no tears. Only pain that rips me in half and fills my soul with fire. Burn! Burn through the pain.Burn! Fire of grief. Cleanse me and fill me with hope.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Simple moments

A week has passed without tears. A week filled with thoughts of Tom and those things that made him happy, things we did together. A week without grieving and sadness. A moment of sad thought - followed by joy knowing that we will be together again. Simple moments that remind me of how he loved me and how he filled my life. Simple moments - but no tears.

Does it mean that I miss him less? No - it just means I didn't cry. Maybe it means that acceptance in coming closer. I don't know. I do know that I miss him greatly. But - I am OK.

Sometimes when I think of him I laugh. He had that effect on me. He loved to laugh and he shared it with me. He shared that sense of humor with his son also. Sometimes when Joe is saying something - I hear Tom. The voice - the thought process - the look.

For today - at least - I am OK.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Water Recedes

Another day almost done. Should I grieve each day? Or - is it OK that there are days without too much pain?

There is an ocean surging and receding within me. Yesterday a painful surge - today - quiet, peaceful receding. The waters of pain are flowing further and further away. IT is OK today.

My tears filled the ocean's depth only yesterday. I am dried out. There are no more tears today. It is OK today.

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July dud

I tried. It may have seemed to some that I was there. But, were the truth told, I was with you. There was no way to stay for fireworks - all I wanted was to be home, to cry in private, to miss you alone.

Fireworks are all around. I can here them. But it is not the same without you. Oh God, how I miss you today. Sitting at the cemetery did not help. Talking to you is all that will make things right.

Come - ooh and aah with me. Declare the night a success of freedom. I miss you. Every firework is a dud - without you by my side. This night must end.

It Is Late!

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - far away
Where would I go - should I be able to choose the destination of my dreams?
Would mountains display their grandeur? Oceans their roaring waves?
Maybe butterflies would fill a sunlit sky creating never before seen shades of color, shadow, and light.
Where would I go - what would I hear? Should the choice be mine of destination and sound?
Voices of angels? Music of waterfalls? Whispers of birds wings on a spring day?

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - far away to you. To memories of your smile and laughter. Let me travel through your dreams and memories. I would hear you calling my name with the love that only now I begin to understand. Your face would fill my heart and mind. Your eyes - bluer than any ocean- purer than any sky - they would watch me come closer and closer -

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - but it does not come. Instead - I remember you. You fill me and I do not sleep or dream. Your voice - let me hear you call my name. Free me from the silence.

It is late -

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Nine Months

It has been 9 months since Tom died. So much can happen in 9 months. You can have a baby, finish a regular school year, or complete 3 quarters in college. In my case - 9 months has brought a complete change in life.

I have moved to a different house. made new friends,and begun to build a new life. Although there was really nothing wrong with the old life - the new one is going well. My work has changed locations. The new school is far better than the old one. The atmosphere it encouraging and supportive. The new house is smaller, well laid out, and inviting. It has a lightness that was not present in the old.

I am learning to live alone without all the sadness that filled my days and nights only a few short months ago. Although the grief can sometimes overwhelm - it recedes more quickly...and like the waves of the ocean...when it recedes it leaves behind small treasures to discover,explore, and enjoy.

Life has taken on a rhythm - a melody - that is slowly becoming my own. Tom's melody blended so well with mine - we were one composition - the music of our lives filled us, radiated from us, became us. Part of me - part of the music of my life - is gone. The composition is changing. At first - it seemed discordant - a cacophonous disaster. Now - there is the beginning of sweetness to the melody that was not there before. It is a new composition - the harmony is different - but pleasing. God is the conductor - drawing ever sweeter music from this broken instrument.

Nine months - not a longtime - just a lifetime.