Saturday, June 25, 2011

Crying Again - Naturally

I am alone. I am not sad. Neither am I depressed. I am alone. Nobody touches me when I am at home. Nobody calls my name in the night. I am alone. Where are the arms that enfolded me in their strength? I am alone. I am happy. But - I am alone

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I am not single. In my mind and heart - I am still married to Tommy. He is mine and I am his.

I am not single. There is no place in my life for anyone other than him. I wear his ring on my hand and his love in my heart.

I am not single. There is no opening in my heart for another man. Tom is my man. He is my love. He is me.

I am not single.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tommy - The metal sculpture we liked is hanging on the wall. I hung the birds just like we would have if you were here. I miss you. This is a nice house and it is my home. But - you aren't here. You have never seen this house.

It has more light than the old one. It has a true southwest feel to it. What good is that without you and mom in it? You brought the southwest to me. I embraced it. The colors, the images, the food. Thank you for sharing with me.

Tell Mom I miss her and love her. There is an emptiness here without the both of you. But still - this is my home and I will be OK. It is just strange that we are not here together.

I love you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Is it possible?

Is it possible? I wouldn't have thought it - but - it seems to be true. I am alive. I always thought that if something happened it would be to me. You would go on and I would wait for you. But here I am - and you are waiting for me.

Is it possible? Life has continued for all these months without stopping. Day follows night. Night follows day. The world keeps spinning and life goes on. It should not be so. But - it is.

Is it possible? Joy has found its way to the surface more than once. I have caught myself laughing and playing. Joy is not lost on me. Is it possible that I have moved on with the days and nights that have passed since you left?

Night follows day. Day follows night. I am still here. You are not. Is that possible? No - it is not possible. I can not let it be so. You were the focus of my life. Now - my life is blurry and hard to see. Except - there are moments......

Thursday, June 16, 2011

loving you

I love you. You are not here with me. I have not seen you in months. Yet, I love you. Your smile is a part of me. I can see it sometimes when I am alone. When I am sad - your voice is a comfort. I love you. I miss you.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Going through pictures - choosing those that will be on the walls - I went through half of a lifetime with Tom. A glimpse of the wedding, pregnant with Joe, Tom holding Joe in his arms, playing. There were so many reminders of the days we had. Is it possible that so many years have passed?
I saw pictures of my grandparents, my parents, Tom's parents. People who lived lifetimes together until death tore them apart. They survived until God called them home. So shall I survive until I hear that call.

I would rather have him by my side in life rather than in pictures. But memories and photos are all I have. Savoring them both

Today Was New

Oh Tommy

You had so many friends and I so few.
I didn't understand how wonderful it was to have people who cared about me and were fun to be with.
The trick is - I care about them. I love their smiles and enjoy spending time with them.
We hung pictures in the new house today. More laughter and talk than picture hanging. It was a great day. Movie night is in the works.

Did you know when you left that I would still be crying today?
I didn't!
I love you and it fills me with pain that you are not here to share that love with.

Why did you leave me? Why did you go home without me? Can I come too.

Lord - call me home or settle my heart.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Moments Pain

It just was
You threatened my stability
You created a chasm between peace and my heart
A day, a moment, a few words
And you broke me
do you see
do you care
you took it away
my reaction spewed like vomit
the stench surrounds
you brought it out
wear it
smell it
you deserve it
I will pay for it
suffer the grief and harm
you brought it

Monday, June 6, 2011

Blessings and Tears

There are blessings involved in being the wife of a deceased veteran who officially died due to the conditions he was disabled for. I get to apply for a property tax exemption on the house and I get to attend any state college or university for free. I still would rather have Tom with me and pay these things. An evening of tears. God help me - I miss him.