Thursday, September 29, 2011

Thursday Morning - 2 am

Father God,

You are the only one who been able to see and know me since my birth. You know what is in me - deep inside where only you can see. You know those things that have been kept hidden in darkness. Darkness that is dispelled by the light of Your love.

Thank you for loving me. Tom knew you did. Tom loved you more than life itself. He was not afraid to share you with anyone. He would have shouted Your love from the housetops if he had been able to climb a ladder. Instead - he shouted it from where he was. To his last days - sharing You and praying for others was his joy.

Let that love for sharing Your WORD, Your love, Your hope - now fill me more than ever. Let me take your message where Tom can no longer go.

I praise You Lord. I thank You for all you have done for me. All you have done for Joe and Manda. For all that You have done for this world. Thank you.

Tell Tommy that I love him and understand him more than ever before.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Happy Birthday

Dear Father,

My heart aches with longing for you. Come closer, dwell deeper, Fill my heart with Your Holy Spirit. Let your love so fill me, that those who look upon me see only you. Let my heart beat in rhythm with Your own.

You have heard my heart cry.
You have seen the tears that never dry.
My soul is damaged
My heart is torn
But healing comes
With what You have borne.

Sweet Abba - Tell Tommy I said Happy Birthday. Let him know he is loved and missed. Let him know I am OK. You are here watching over me. He knows I fought you. He knew You would win. I want You to win.

Monday, September 26, 2011

One Year

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

Your little slip
A simple fall
That was all
it was and
should have been

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

You could smile
Could smile and laugh
Your humor told
yes it sold
a lie.

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

You asked me clear
There was no doubt.
Am I going to die?
I told a lie
to you.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Ticker Running

Today is Saturday - your birthday would have been this coming Tuesday. Everyday I think of you. I think of missing you. My focus deteriorates. My laughter hides so much. The ticker is running. A week - - only a week - - and you will have been gone a year. You have been gone forever.

Missing you my beloved friend.

A Moment of Enlightenment

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Then all is dark again

That single moment can change a life.

In that streak
Finally I saw a truth
Illuminated by the Glory of God.

A truth that does not bring joy - but freedom.

In the flash
A part of me revealed
Hidden away

Hidden but present - Hidden but destructive

A streak of light
Light from God's glory
Showing my ugliness

Revealing another chance to cleanse
Another place to fill with Opportunity
With Hope
With Peace
With Joy

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Not all is dark again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What I Truly Miss

Many people think they know what I miss since Tom died. And since I lost my beloved Mother-in-law. They are probably right to some degree. As it gets closer to the anniversary of Tom's death - I realize more and more what I truly miss.

He needed me. I did his laundry, cooked meals, took him out, loved him, supported him, and saw that he got what he needed. I miss his dependence on me. Our daughter helped him also. But I was his wife. I cuddled with him at night when it wasn't too painful for him. I kept him believing that it was going to be OK.

I miss the stress of dealing with his problems and the frustration that accompanied every new problem that showed up. Stress can be a good thing. It kept me thinking of him. Soooooo much stress.....soooooo much love.

I miss hating him. Yes - I said hate. He drove me crazy. I hated the pain that changed my life. No hiking, limited traveling, no bowling, no joy in Mudville. I miss that I could blame him for so many things. Yes - I knew it wasn't really hate. It was frustration and pain. I was watching our life together fall apart. And yes - I did hate that. I hated watching our future plans disintegrate into nothingness.

I miss having a voice to share the evening with. I miss my Pastor. For that is what he was for me for years. I miss our friendship. I miss our friends. I miss being his beloved. I miss hearing the words that shared his love with me. I miss being a part of him and his life.

So many things I miss. The one thing I don't miss????? Seeing him suffer everyday.

Monday, September 19, 2011


I am totally unfocused. School is harder than it was two weeks ago and I can't seem to get my head working. All I want to do is stay home and forget about everything and everybody for a day or two. e

I know how to teach. Scheduling is not a great dilemma. But, I can't do either. Nothing is making sense any more.

Next week - the 27th - I am off. Tom's birthday. That weekend - he will have been gone for a whole year. A lifetime really.

It could be why I can't think or focus lately. Could be??? I am sure it is. The children deserve better than that. Thank you God for Cathy and Kim. They keep life moving in the classroom and don't make me feel stupid when I forget what I am doing or where I left my papers.

I miss you Tom.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Stories of Jesus

Tell me the stories of Jesus I love to hear;
Things I would ask Him to tell me if He were here;
Scenes by the wayside, tales of the sea,
Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.

First let me hear how the children stood round His knee,
And I shall fancy His blessing resting on me;
Words full of kindness, deeds full of grace,
All in the love light of Jesus’ face.

Tell me, in accents of wonder, how rolled the sea,
Tossing the boat in a tempest on Galilee;
And how the Maker, ready and kind,
Chided the billows, and hushed the wind.

Into the city I’d follow the children’s band,
Waving a branch of the palm tree high in my hand.
One of His heralds, yes, I would sing
Loudest hosannas, “Jesus is King!”

Show me that scene in the garden, of bitter pain.
Show me the cross where my Savior for me was slain.
Sad ones or bright ones, so that they be
Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.


Tom often called me his "silly mouse". It would mean nothing to anyone but us. And it did have great meaning.

I collect mice. Any kind but alive. It started with a character I created during the time we were pastors in Connecticut. Melvin was our 'church mouse'. He came out at night and added stories and notes for the church newsletter. He spoke about his wife, Melsa, and their many children. Melvin said many things that needed to be said. He was so good at it. The only time I ever felt free was when I was Melvin.

I have never been good at social things. Jokes were not in my repertoire. Social events were my nightmare - and I was a pastor's wife. It seems that I can't say the right things. I say something - knowing what I mean - and it is taken another way. People aren't in my head. They only see the outside. The outside was my discomfort being in public.

Melvin had no such problems. Melvin could tell jokes, preach, teach, and laugh. Tom understood me. In the privacy of our home - I could be funny, laugh, tell jokes, sing, act, just generally be goofy. I was his Silly Mouse. He was my pastor, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, and the rock that made life doable.

Tom is gone. But the silly mouse is still here. I have found her coming out more in public. I am having to create a new self since mine was so interwoven with Tom's. I am incorporating Melvin into the new me. We shall see who/what I turn out to be.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011



Sunday, September 11, 2011

Here I Am

Here I am
Sitting as usual
Dreaming of nothing
Wishing days did not exist
Days already gone
Here I am
Sitting as usual
But nothing is usual
I am changed
Not all for the better

Thursday, September 8, 2011


There is so little time.
Remember that.
What is the last thing you said to your spouse?
Was it kind?
Did it uplift him/her?
If your marriage were a flowered plant - filled with gorgeous blooms and every time you berated or made mean comments to your spouse - a bloom fell dead. How what would your plant look like? Would it be filled with blooms - or be empty?

Miss you my beloved.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thoughts thoughts about family

You can take a lot from family that you won't from others. But the time comes - when even family go too far.

Remind me of my loss - I am OK.
Tell me I can't share my feelings - I am not OK.

Some friends are closer than blood. They will suffice at times.

Family - such a mixture of love and hate. Friend and Foe.
Can't live with or without them.

They are family - a part of me.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Grandpa and Grandma

February will be here soon. Our grandchild will be born and life will change again.

It was pointed out to me this weekend that you are dead. Speaking about spoiling our first grandchild was followed by a 'goof' on someone's part when they mentioned Grandma and Grandpa. "ooops - I'm sorry. I forgot he is gone. Isn't that funny?" This - accompanied by laughter and a few other comments. It was not intentional. I knew that. But I remembered - for the first time - that I will be grandma without grandpa. It wasn't funny - but it was and is reality.

You will be there. You dwell in the mind, heart, laughter, and eyes of your son. You live in my memory forever. You will be a part of that child.

It was not funny. I miss you. We were supposed to be grandparents together. I am not laughing.