Many people think they know what I miss since Tom died. And since I lost my beloved Mother-in-law. They are probably right to some degree. As it gets closer to the anniversary of Tom's death - I realize more and more what I truly miss.
He needed me. I did his laundry, cooked meals, took him out, loved him, supported him, and saw that he got what he needed. I miss his dependence on me. Our daughter helped him also. But I was his wife. I cuddled with him at night when it wasn't too painful for him. I kept him believing that it was going to be OK.
I miss the stress of dealing with his problems and the frustration that accompanied every new problem that showed up. Stress can be a good thing. It kept me thinking of him. Soooooo much stress.....soooooo much love.
I miss hating him. Yes - I said hate. He drove me crazy. I hated the pain that changed my life. No hiking, limited traveling, no bowling, no joy in Mudville. I miss that I could blame him for so many things. Yes - I knew it wasn't really hate. It was frustration and pain. I was watching our life together fall apart. And yes - I did hate that. I hated watching our future plans disintegrate into nothingness.
I miss having a voice to share the evening with. I miss my Pastor. For that is what he was for me for years. I miss our friendship. I miss our friends. I miss being his beloved. I miss hearing the words that shared his love with me. I miss being a part of him and his life.
So many things I miss. The one thing I don't miss????? Seeing him suffer everyday.