Sunday, January 29, 2012

,I Am Happy

I am happy.
What else is there to say?
I am happy.

I see your face in the pictures on the wall and
I am happy.

I see our son taking such good care of his wife and
I am happy.

I look at the students in my classroom and
I am happy.

I see the signs of our granddaughter growing, preparing to join me here and
I am happy.

Is it OK?
Is it OK Tommy - for me to be happy?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Zealous for God

Happiness incarnate
Reminder of dreams

Affirmation of God's love
New hope

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It is quiet now. The fire burns in its place. There is a fan working. Little to distract or remove you from my thoughts. We are going to have a granddaughter. She will be a part of you. Again I will be able to hold you in my arms. No - not the same. But I will teach her of you. She will learn of your great love for God and your quiet, gentle spirit. Your son will teach her your sense of humor. Your daughter-in-love of you patience and joy. She will be a part you lingering here for us to enjoy.

You are missed my gentle love. In the quiet times I can almost feel you.. Never Could I have believed that I would be without you or as alone as I feel today. It is not unhappiness that I feel beloved, just loneliness. You have made sure that I am cared for. By giving me the son we shared - you have left me some of your love to comfort and support me. But I am lonely.

When I laid in your hospital bed with you - I was not so lonely as now. You were there. You could not speak, or love, or share a quiet thought with me - but you were there. It was for me to love and give and share with you. You always took care of me - it became my turn to take care of you. When you left - the emptiness settled in. The loneliness exploded and its dark, horrible smoke filled my heart. Will it ever leave?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

January 10

Who are you? Where did you come from? The doors were barred shut and guards stood their vigil. How could you possibly get in? In every corner of my being - I can feel you. You are here. When happiness finds its way to my life you rise up like a raging dragon - flaming it out of existence. Ashes remain where joy began to grow. With you dwelling in my life - joy is bound and happiness finds no soil in which to grow. They sprout - they burn - you laugh. Ashes where there was once was life.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Being a Sieve.

Many know the grief of losing someone they love. I am no different than most of them. The memories of his laughter and love stay with me and greet each new day. They fill my nights - when I sleep. My loss - it can not be recovered. He is gone from this earth. My sorrow - waxes and wanes with each new day, each memory that surfaces, and the people I see.

Yes, I am doing well. I do not cry every day or all day. I do my job and laugh with friends. But don't be fooled. I grieve. Family gatherings are difficult but I am trying, making an effort to attend - to participate. I hate them all. They signify that people are happy and I am not. Jealousy fills me and I rage within. How dare they go on? How dare they laugh and dream and plan together? I am alone - and they just don't get it. The world should have stopped when his heart did. When my heart did. Their lives should have folded long before the flag was folded over him.

But it didn't. People keep moving. Every attempt I make to move on is hindered by my loneliness. As much as I want to move on and get somewhere in life - the memories invade and the emptiness of my bed, my arms, and my heart take over. This is not how I want it to be - but reality is what it is.

I am alone. And they are not. They celebrate their togetherness - while pain rips my heart to shreds. I love them. I want my family to be happy. But how? He is not with us. I am no longer whole. I am a sieve - straining life through me. It seems only the pain in large enough to be trapped within. Joy, happiness, peace, comfort, love - they go through me - and drain away into the dark. Life flows away as quickly as it comes.

Don't fret for me. I will go on. Over a year - I have gone on. Sometimes - I even felt happy. I am happy. It's just a new variety of happiness.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Who I Really Am

Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that school started for the year? A few days ago Tom died? Sometimes it seems like ages have passed and, at times such as now, that no time has passed at all. Feelings are right on my sleeve and the truth of who and what I am comes to the surface for awhile.

I am half a person. The joyful, happy part left with Tom. What was left behind is sadness, grief, and self pity. Who am I without the best part of me? As I struggle to answer the question - I continue to live as best I can. It isn't easy but I try.

There are days when I believe that life will work out well for me. At others - I am nothing but a shadow of who I was with him. Coming through the door brought a smile to his face. He loved me. He wanted me. Who else will ever feel that way?

I am alone and broken. But I keep trying.