Being a Sieve.

Many know the grief of losing someone they love. I am no different than most of them. The memories of his laughter and love stay with me and greet each new day. They fill my nights - when I sleep. My loss - it can not be recovered. He is gone from this earth. My sorrow - waxes and wanes with each new day, each memory that surfaces, and the people I see.

Yes, I am doing well. I do not cry every day or all day. I do my job and laugh with friends. But don't be fooled. I grieve. Family gatherings are difficult but I am trying, making an effort to attend - to participate. I hate them all. They signify that people are happy and I am not. Jealousy fills me and I rage within. How dare they go on? How dare they laugh and dream and plan together? I am alone - and they just don't get it. The world should have stopped when his heart did. When my heart did. Their lives should have folded long before the flag was folded over him.

But it didn't. People keep moving. Every attempt I make to move on is hindered by my loneliness. As much as I want to move on and get somewhere in life - the memories invade and the emptiness of my bed, my arms, and my heart take over. This is not how I want it to be - but reality is what it is.

I am alone. And they are not. They celebrate their togetherness - while pain rips my heart to shreds. I love them. I want my family to be happy. But how? He is not with us. I am no longer whole. I am a sieve - straining life through me. It seems only the pain in large enough to be trapped within. Joy, happiness, peace, comfort, love - they go through me - and drain away into the dark. Life flows away as quickly as it comes.

Don't fret for me. I will go on. Over a year - I have gone on. Sometimes - I even felt happy. I am happy. It's just a new variety of happiness.