Thursday, December 29, 2011


How are you? 10 times a day - the same question. Today - an answer.

Life is good. My heart sings with the new day when children are in it. I pray for joy each day. God brings it. I love my life. Holidays are hard. My heart sings - but it isn't the joy of everyday. It is the grief of a lonely day. My heart cries for my best friend, my soul mate, my heart. Does it mean that my life is sad or reduced to a tearful existence? No - God is good - and so is my life.

Holidays are hard. My life is good and fulfilled with my job, my friends, my family. There are moments that strain my heart and my resolve to continue this existence. How easy it would be to slide into eternal sleep - to see my beloved and my savior. How easy it would be. But life is not about easy. It is about doing what God calls us to do. God has called me to live. With or without the beloved of my heart, my best friend, I will live.

Days will come, and have already come, when I will cry and grieve, and feel the depth of the loss I have suffered. But God will not leave me alone - even when I feel alone - I am not alone.

Christmas has been particularly difficult. It was our favorite season and holiday of the year. I'm still crying. It isn't hopelessness. It is sadness - I am so aware of all I have lost. But the joy is still here - sometimes on the outside - sometime hiding on the inside - but still there. God will call me home one day and I will see my Tommy, and Mom, my Dad, my daughter, and all those who have died in Christ.

If I cry and seem to have abandoned hope - don't believe it - I don't. I am just expressing the human side of my heart.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Day

How do I live through these days without you? When light filled my eyes today - you were not there. The tears began and have not ended. No one to speak words of joy and comfort. Emptiness - so much emptiness.

Oh God - today we celebrate the birth of Your son. But I do it with half a heart. You have the other half in your presence. You took him. Oh God I am sad.

tears - like a river - abandoning the banks -over flowing - raging - grief. No MORE! No More!

Friday, December 23, 2011

3:30 pm

Well, Christmas music on. I haven't gotten a lot accomplished but I feel better. Had lunch with Mom and sister, massage, and took care of some laundry. Time to finish kitchen, clean hall bath, and watch a Christmas movie.

I know that the feelings that weigh me down aren't forever. It just seems, sometimes, like they won't ever go away. Remembering Tom has gotten to be as much a part of me as breathing. Some days remembering him brings great joy and peace. Other days, it brings tears.

Tom loved Christmas as much I did. Some day - I will again. However, this is not that day. I am doing better than I was at 10:30 but not as well as I will this time next year.

Thank you Father God for taking Tom into your Kingdom. It gives me great peace to know that he is safe in your presence. As much I want him with me - he is better off with You. Hug him for me.

10:30 am

Well - today I am going to put a concerted effort into doing some happy Christmas stuff. This pattern of sorrow and pain must be brought to a halt. There must be joy somewhere.

Where to start?

Could clean this dump I call a house. Not very cheery.
Could turn on Christmas music first though. That might help.

Effort just to think about putting effort into being happy this Christmas. But - it will be well worth it if it works.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Together Still

We are together still. Loveable Tommy and I. What can separate us from our love?
Can death? Can death really separate people who love? No - not if their love is in Christ.
Tom lives on this earth in my heart and mind. In the life of his son. In the blood that flows through our grandchild.
We are together in life and death.
Soon, very soon, I will join him in the kingdom of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We will walk together, hand-in-hand. For now, we walk together in spirit and in my heart.

Memories are ever present. I am his still in my heart and in my dreams. Sometimes, it is enough to know. Today - I need more. I don't want to be alone today. What joy it would be to feel his arms around me, gently caressing my arm, my face, my neck. I could rest my head on his chest and hear the rhythmic beating of his gentle heart.

I am sad.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Mice

Making Christmas Mice for the staff snack day tomorrow. What ever possessed me to agree to make these. I had forgotten how much a part of these included Tom. He sorted almonds for the ears. Such a tedious job - he didn't mind. It made things so much easier for me.

Making them tonight - I am almost lost. Mom loved to help put them together. She enjoyed life so much. Her giggles were a delight. My second Christmas without she and Tom. I know they are celebrating in Heaven but I miss them here. Why does this have to be so hard this year?

If only I could run away and hide from it all - but I can't. This is my life now. They're both gone and I must accept that. In fact, I do. They are both better off now than they were here. I am just lonely for them. It seems to be harder this year than last?

My best friend - I love you. Mama - you too. You are so missed.

This crying has got to stop.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Wrong Attitude??

It has been over a year since Tom died. Most days I am just fine. I have even been happy. Tom is where he should be. Free of pain and joy--filled in the presence of his Lord. For him - I have no complaints.

Lately, the Christmas season has been getting me down. I see families out shopping. Children dreaming. Families. Old couples. Young couples. Christmas lights everywhere. I remember one year when my sister-in-law Ann was still alive. She rented a limo as a surprise for me - and we went out looking at Christmas lights in San Diego. It was a wonderful time.

Decorating the Church Christmas tree with Tom was a fun time. We put on minimum of 200 lights per foot of tree. The tree glowed from within. IT was beautiful. We did the same to our tree at home. Lights filled the inside branches of the tree. So inspiring. Greenery on the fireplace, decorations around the living area, lights on the house. Shopping for Angels, for foster children, for whoever needed. What a joyous season it was.

This year, nothing. I see it all but can't get into it. For my family and friends, for my students - I want to. But it simply isn't happening.

I miss him. How can I be happy and still miss him this way? I don't understand it. But, I am. Just not Christmas happy.

Is my attitude wrong? Who can say.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Missing in Life

If your friend is missing a loved one during the holidays - listen and let them know their loved one would want them to be happy. Does that really help?

I know Tom would want me to be happy. But what is happy about Christmas without him? I think I was numb last year and am now feeling things that hurt. Or maybe - I am just feeling the reality of him not being here with me. I am happy. But I am not happy. Tom made Christmas special. I am not that good at it.

No tree. No decorations. No cookies or fudge. I will make mincemeat for the family. But, like Thanksgiving, I won't eat it. I don't want gifts and food. I don't need a tree and decorations. All I need is Tommy. I miss him. His laughter is fading from my memory. I need - and can't have.

Tom would want me to be happy. But that won't help me to enjoy the holidays without him.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Sometimes it feels good to hear someone say, "Well done!"
Today was the first time I have heard those words spoken to me.
Spoken clearly - in front of my colleagues. My partner and I were recognized for our efforts.
What a change from where I worked before.
Tommy - Did you hear those words today? You believed they would come.
You knew I should leave the old school. Did you hear them?
Did you hear? I did. Finally - I did.
Love you Tommy.
Love you!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas List

Christmas? What do I want for Christmas?

Someone to talk to when I can't sleep in the night.
A voice of welcome when I come home after work.
The comfort of a warm body next to me in bed - holding me. Snuggling in the dark.

What do I want for Christmas?

The one who is missing from my life.

Since that is not possible - what do I want for Christmas?

I need little. I want less. There is too much stuff in this house that I am already trying to dispose of. Too much to get things I don't need.

Be my friend.
Love others.
Be kind.
Tell your parents and spouses that you love them.
Don't let a day pass without an act of kindness.

Friday, December 9, 2011


There are days when life makes little sense. When words pass through me without comprehension or awareness.
Between yesterday and today - what is the difference?
Did the world end last night?
Did the earth reverse it's course?
Life makes little sense today.
I am missing a piece of life's puzzle and the spot where the piece belongs - stands as a gaping wound.
What has changed between yesterday and today?
I remember.
Your smile flashed through my thoughts today.
Your face filled my heart and mind.
You are the difference. I wanted to touch you, to hold you, to love you.
You weren't there but the memories still came.
Your life is the missing piece.
Your life is the missing peace.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sweet Wind

Sweet wind of God's love - blow over me.
Bring the joyous sounds of God's angels - worshiping Him.
Oh Sweet wind - Carry my voice to the heavens.
Tell the Lord of my joy and my grief. Tell the Father of all things -
I am afraid and lonely.
Tell Tom he is loved and appreciated more every day.
Sweet wind - bring him my kiss, my love, and me.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Invisible Wind

Did the wind blow today? Though it was never felt things blew away. My peace, my energy. So tired and so sick.

When I started back to school it was to become a teacher. The first years that's what I was. It wasn't the best situation but I was a teacher. Right now - I feel like a revolving door. Too many kids to do the job I was hired to do. So much I want to do with them - so much to teach them. I love my kids. But today - the wind of tired blew away the covering that hid my sadness and grief. I have lost so much this past year - and today - I realized that I've also lost my dream.

My dream - a classroom of kids that needed to learn. Time to teach them. My class. Now - I don't have a class - I have two. One that looks to me for education and love. One that comes and goes with that invisible wind. I want to be a teacher again.

Good school. Good staff. Smiles and laughter. Just sick and sad.

That old invisible wind. It is still here. What will it bring? What will it take?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Winter or Summer

What would winter be without cold? Or summer without heat? Would they still be winter and summer? Though the temperature changes - the season would be the season it was - only different.

Children would not fly down hills on sleds or skate on ponds frozen by winter's rage. Yet - they would find things to do. They could fish in that self same pond. They could roll down the sledding hill feeling the grass tickle their bare legs and arms.

Were cold to come where summer dwelt - children would find things to do as well. They may not swim in a pool or run under waterfalls in the park - but they would be busy. They would bundle in their coats and go find cold things to do. They might sit before a fireplace and play a game.

Life would be different - but still life. People would adjust as people do to the changing of times.

What is my life without Tom? Is it not my life any longer - or is it just a different life? Winter or Spring - Life or Death. Still, whatever happens around me - I am myself. This is my life. I will adjust as all people do.

Monday, November 28, 2011

No Butt On My Dirt

There are days that stick out in my mind. We were hiking back East. Tom fell and slid a bit. He got up quickly, brushed himself off, and said, "There's no butt on my dirt". We never let him forget. The way to make even a tense moment lighter and more fun. Tom had a way of making even the darkest moment seem brighter and more possible.

Sweet dreams fill me. He swirls like clouds being blown and tossed by the wind. Swirls of his face move around me like autumn leaves at season's end, caressing and soothing my aching heart. His hands reach out over time and space and touch my face with a gentle love. He is here - always. His memory is part of me and fills me with joy. But the joy is always tinged with the sadness that reality brings. He is gone and will never walk on this earth again.But we will walk together in God's kingdom. I will see him as God created him. What a joy to look forward to.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


There is something wrong today. I hurt. I woke up hurting. It hasn't gone away. Why do I miss him so much after all this time? It was OK yesterday. Smiles and laughter have been real and I have been happy. But now - I am in tears and it won't stop. I miss him. I would rather live in tent without running water and heat - with him - than in this nice house without him.

I should be thankful for this house and my job, I have food, clothing, and insurance, all the major necessities of life. And here I sit- complaining about being alone. My heart is obviously not totally healed. And, just as obviously, there are things in life more important than 'things'. I have those in abundance. Sometimes I just forget to think about them.

I have a family that is always here for me. Sisters, brothers, and my mother. I have nieces and nephews that I love very much. I have friends and friendly acquaintances that bring smiles and laughter into my life. Work is place and an atmosphere that is comfortable and peaceful - even when it's crazy. My dogs love me even though I ignore them sometimes. My big ole Shilah seems to be coming around. She was afraid of everything and everyone when I got her last year. She wouldn't even come near me. Now - she edges up to my seat and begs to be petted. She doesn't run away when I stand up. She is beginning to feel safe with me. Lizzy is still a pain in the butt but a loving one.

Yes - I have much to be thankful for. I am also thankful that Tom did not linger here in pain. He is pain free and dancing before the Lord. Yes - dancing. Although some churches (ours included) don't approve of dancing in general - my Tommy is dancing in heaven. He isn't clumsy or crippled any more. I am so thankful for that. As much as I miss him - I would not wish him back the way he was.

There is something wrong today. I hurt. But I am better thinking of all my blessings than all my losses and pain.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Dinner Out

It has been a long journey since Tom died. There are days when I think, "I made it! I am done with grieving! Done with sadness. I have graduated." Then another day comes of sadness and tears. It may be just a moment, a fleeting glimpse of sorrow. Or, it could be a full-fledged smack in the face. They come and go.

I am not unhappy. There is a joy in me that does not end when grief returns. Facing sorrow with joy is different. I never knew they could coexist. But - they do.

Eating alone has not gotten much easier. I enjoyed my times out with Tom. We could laugh and talk about anything. Sometimes, we just ate and didn't speak at all for periods of time. Going out alone reminds me of everything I have lost in the past couple of years. I sit alone and just eat. There is no laughter or talking. Just me - eating. If a tear trickles down my face - what are people to know or think? Only in my heart is there knowledge and understanding. I want to scream at them sometimes - tell them to truly appreciate what they have. Don't take it for granted. I see the older couple and I want to scream out my jealousy. They sit there quietly talking and eating while I sit alone with a memory. That should be us - Tom and I. But it isn't. Would it be crazy to yell it out at them? Maybe - but I would feel better I think for having done it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

November the 11th day

Veteran's Day
I am so sad today.
Not weepy - just sad.
Missing my veteran.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

November the 5th day

Another week.
It has been hard since I haven't been feeling well. Sinus' are rough sometimes.
It was comforting to wrap up in Tom's quilt with a cup of coffee in the morning. It was peaceful and quiet. Lizzy curled up with me and just slept.

Will it ever seem normal. I don't know - but sometimes it feels good. Found one of Tom's uniform shirts in a bag of winter clothes. It was strange. No pain. Just a longing. Missing his company, his smile, his laughter. Longing for comfort sometimes. What does that look like - I don't know.


Monday, October 31, 2011

What a day!

This has not been the best day. I have been moody, tired, and sick. Sorting through my Mother-in-law's things must have really triggered something. Tears have been on the surface all day.

It is strange - to be happy and sad all at once. I am happy. In the past year, I spent more time in tears than not. In the past month, I have almost never cried. Life has been good and there was no reason or need to cry. Oh, there were moments when life was sad but nothing major. Today - the whole thing has been major. Crazy.

Today I said those words again - the words that carry so much emotion and pain - those words - I miss Tommy. Seldom do they cross my lips. I am happy for him. My life has been good. Missing him is daily - saying it - that's something else. I do miss him. But life keeps me busy and I am happier than I have been is so long. There has been no reason for the words to come out. They only come on pain days. The days that remind me of what I wrote so long ago.

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Moving through shadows and light
Day after day
Week after week
Month after month

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Another day begins anew
Already I wish it done
But there are steps to take today
Places to go
Things to do
One foot - then the other
One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Step upon step
Moving forward - most of the time

Saturday, October 29, 2011

For Tom

Dear Tom,
It been too long since I have been able to talk to you in person. My great prayer is that you are able to see your son from Heaven. He is doing so well. I know that you would be so proud of him. He is such a good husband to Amanda. He loves her so much. It is good to know that he is there for me as well. He is a strength when I am feeling lost. Our Savior is here, of course, but so is your son. You did such a good job teaching him how to be a good father, husband, and son. Please know, that I am proud of you.
While life is not perfect - it never was - it is good. Work is a place of joy. I truly love the people I work with. They are wonderful men and women. You would enjoy them. They laugh a lot and work harder than I have ever known a group of teachers to work. They are awesome.
I am happy Tommy. For once in my life - I don't feel the need to depend on others all the time. You taught me much. The lessons took awhile to sink in but, they were learned. There is so much that I am able to do that I never thought I could. I live. Although my life is now without you - I am OK. You taught me that there is nothing that can not be handled with the Lord's help. When doubt fills me - Jesus empties the doubt and fills me with himself. Thank you Tommy.
I love you

Thursday, October 27, 2011

My Men

Not a day goes by without my "men" being on my mind and heart.
Joe. A son to be so proud of. He is growing in faith and walking stronger in the Lord.
Tom. My beloved best friend. No day is truly whole yet without him. Days are better and I am truly happy. But he was such a part of me. I love him so.
Jesus. My Lord and Savior. My life is mending. My heart is mending. Jesus is the reason. He died for me and has lifted my soul to the Father.

My men. I love them all.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Name Change?

Does time change everything?
Or does it change only some things?
I was so 'left behind' when Tom died.
Left behind in a world I wanted no part of.

Has time changed everything?
Or has it changed only some things?
It has changed me as I view the world.
I am a part of what continues.

Time has changed everything
And nothing at all.
I am still left behind -
But even more - I am moving ahead.
Life does not frighten me with its bleakness,
Its never ending continuation.
I have begun to move forward and see the light that has always been here.

I have not wanted to see it - not all the time.
Light shines in darkness -
Light illuminates what is hidden.
But when the hidden is brought to the light -
Life happens.
I am free
And moving toward joy and hope.

Does time change everything?
Or does it change only some things?
The answer eludes me.
Or does it?
Christ has never changed.
Time has not dampened His love for me.
Time has not taken his redemptive gift away.
No - only some things have changed.
My life, my future on this earth, my day to day existence.

Maybe it is time to change the name of this blog?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Let It Go?

Over two years ago, the Kern High School District told our long-term disability people and us, that Tom had no retirement or disability retirement coming. We were told that we could leave the money with STRS until he was older or take it - it made no difference. They were wrong. Tom was eligible for a disability retirement through STRS. I could have had part of it after his death along with a death benefit. Praying - do I let it go - or pursue the High School district for their error? Very difficult decision.

This is so frustrating. Got a lot of praying to do.

Tom deserved better than he got from the district all the way along. He deserved what he worked for. What to do?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


It has been a long year. Adjustments are still being made and will be as time goes on. Different house, different income, different lifestyle. Adjustments. Not all adjustments are painful or grief bearing. I lost my husband not my hope. I am adjusting my life to include more peace and joy. More time is being spent in prayer and reading God's Word. More reflection, more closeness to spiritual things. Grief and joy sometimes seem to conflict with each other. To be happy and sad at the same time. To laugh and cry in unison.

I am alive. It seems odd to think it or to say it. I am alive. Where once it might have been preferable not to be - I am. Now - I rejoice in God's mercy - letting me live in the knowledge that He loves me and Tom will be waiting for me when it is my time. I was reborn - again. Reborn to hope, joy, and peace. Reborn to the knowledge that though I am alone - I am never alone. God dwells within. He surrounds me. He envelops me with His Spirit. I am loved I rejoice in Him. In the quiet of my home I sing to Him.

God of mercy dwell within
Hold my hand
Enfold me

In your arms I feel secure
And know that I
Am lovely

God of peace hear my heart
I am yours

In Your presence I rejoice

Let the adjustments continue - I am in the care of a great and mighty God.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

He was satisfied

When it happened
though it was within and without me - still -
I know not how it happened .
For all that I do not know There is more that I do
. I am a child of God. He loves me. He has forgiven my sins.
When it happened I do know. could I have forgotten so soon?

2000 years ago on a cross I was forgiven.
He saw me from the cross. He saw me coming to Him.
He saw me - and was satisfied that He had done the right thing.
Were I the only one to call him Lord
The only one to seek Him,
To invite Him to dwell within me.
Were I the only one in history to seek his forgiveness-
Still -
He would have looked from the cross and been satisfied-
assured -
that His death had meaning
He was satisfied to save me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Another Week of Peace

God has been merciful to me this year. This has been a year of hell - but it has now become a year of healing. Although living without Tommy is lonely and causes tears to flow, I have learned that it can be done. I have learned that loneliness will not kill me if I don't let it. God loves me and has a plan for my life that no longer includes Tom. It is time for me to discover what that is. In order to do that - I have to be open to what God is telling me. That - I am not good at. Learning to live alone in Joy - is a new thought - a concept for me. In the past - alone and joy did not go in the same sentence. Now - it must become a way of life or sadness will envelop my life and I will be lost. I am happy. For the first time in forever - I am happy and alone.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


What a good day. Prayer and praise at church. An excellent message on missions. Lunch with Mom and Mary. It has been a day of praise. A day of joy. I have been so happy today. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Thank You

It has been a difficult year filled tears, screaming, laughing at nothing, and so much more. It has also been filled with faithful friends and family. This is my chance to say Thank You to all those who made my loss a little more bearable.

Family who cried with me. Friends who prayed with me. Strangers who held me before the Lord without knowing who I am.

Mostly - I thank God for being the God of mercy, grace, and peace. Without family and friends this year would have been so much more difficult and I doubt I would have come as far as I have. Without God - I would be dead - inside and out.

Thank you all.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Day 1 - again

OK - I have finished the first day of a new year without Tom. It wasn't a bad day. Healing is coming. The weekend was difficult - but it was doable. Still missing Tom - but it will be a good year and a fruitful year.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


One year ago - right now - I was in bed with Tom in a hospital. As I drank a glass of wine I watched tv and felt my husband breathing. A year ago - I knew it was almost over. A year ago - I was married. A year ago - I wasn't alone. A year ago - I wasn't laughing. Tonight - I am. Funny stuff on the tv. Pain in my heart. One year ago - I was dieing - now - I am alive.

It is getting close to the hour. It is getting closer to the moment when you left me. How can I go on? Tommy - Tommy - I miss you. 22 minutes and a year will have passed since you met Jesus in person. 20 minutes are left until the year has passed.

10 minutes. Is it strange that I am counting down? The countdown began a year ago. It hasn't stopped for a moment. I have counted every moment that he hasn't been with me. 8 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. A year in 5 minutes. I never thought I would live this long. Never believed I could survive. But- I did. And I will. 3 minutes. 1 minute. A year ago I didn't know you would be gone so soon. A year ago we were together. A year ago - a year ago - You're gone. Your body stopped. The breathing stilled. Good night my love. Good night.

One Year Gone

A year gone by. Tonight, I will have been alone - for a year. Times I thought would kill me passed through and were gone. Those times that uplifted - passed through and were gone as well.

I am still here. You are still gone. We are both where we should be.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Thursday Morning - 2 am

Father God,

You are the only one who been able to see and know me since my birth. You know what is in me - deep inside where only you can see. You know those things that have been kept hidden in darkness. Darkness that is dispelled by the light of Your love.

Thank you for loving me. Tom knew you did. Tom loved you more than life itself. He was not afraid to share you with anyone. He would have shouted Your love from the housetops if he had been able to climb a ladder. Instead - he shouted it from where he was. To his last days - sharing You and praying for others was his joy.

Let that love for sharing Your WORD, Your love, Your hope - now fill me more than ever. Let me take your message where Tom can no longer go.

I praise You Lord. I thank You for all you have done for me. All you have done for Joe and Manda. For all that You have done for this world. Thank you.

Tell Tommy that I love him and understand him more than ever before.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Happy Birthday

Dear Father,

My heart aches with longing for you. Come closer, dwell deeper, Fill my heart with Your Holy Spirit. Let your love so fill me, that those who look upon me see only you. Let my heart beat in rhythm with Your own.

You have heard my heart cry.
You have seen the tears that never dry.
My soul is damaged
My heart is torn
But healing comes
With what You have borne.

Sweet Abba - Tell Tommy I said Happy Birthday. Let him know he is loved and missed. Let him know I am OK. You are here watching over me. He knows I fought you. He knew You would win. I want You to win.

Monday, September 26, 2011

One Year

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

Your little slip
A simple fall
That was all
it was and
should have been

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

You could smile
Could smile and laugh
Your humor told
yes it sold
a lie.

Could it be?
Could it really be?
There was no way to know
you would go

You asked me clear
There was no doubt.
Am I going to die?
I told a lie
to you.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Ticker Running

Today is Saturday - your birthday would have been this coming Tuesday. Everyday I think of you. I think of missing you. My focus deteriorates. My laughter hides so much. The ticker is running. A week - - only a week - - and you will have been gone a year. You have been gone forever.

Missing you my beloved friend.

A Moment of Enlightenment

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Then all is dark again

That single moment can change a life.

In that streak
Finally I saw a truth
Illuminated by the Glory of God.

A truth that does not bring joy - but freedom.

In the flash
A part of me revealed
Hidden away

Hidden but present - Hidden but destructive

A streak of light
Light from God's glory
Showing my ugliness

Revealing another chance to cleanse
Another place to fill with Opportunity
With Hope
With Peace
With Joy

A streak of light
Moment of illumination
Not all is dark again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What I Truly Miss

Many people think they know what I miss since Tom died. And since I lost my beloved Mother-in-law. They are probably right to some degree. As it gets closer to the anniversary of Tom's death - I realize more and more what I truly miss.

He needed me. I did his laundry, cooked meals, took him out, loved him, supported him, and saw that he got what he needed. I miss his dependence on me. Our daughter helped him also. But I was his wife. I cuddled with him at night when it wasn't too painful for him. I kept him believing that it was going to be OK.

I miss the stress of dealing with his problems and the frustration that accompanied every new problem that showed up. Stress can be a good thing. It kept me thinking of him. Soooooo much stress.....soooooo much love.

I miss hating him. Yes - I said hate. He drove me crazy. I hated the pain that changed my life. No hiking, limited traveling, no bowling, no joy in Mudville. I miss that I could blame him for so many things. Yes - I knew it wasn't really hate. It was frustration and pain. I was watching our life together fall apart. And yes - I did hate that. I hated watching our future plans disintegrate into nothingness.

I miss having a voice to share the evening with. I miss my Pastor. For that is what he was for me for years. I miss our friendship. I miss our friends. I miss being his beloved. I miss hearing the words that shared his love with me. I miss being a part of him and his life.

So many things I miss. The one thing I don't miss????? Seeing him suffer everyday.

Monday, September 19, 2011


I am totally unfocused. School is harder than it was two weeks ago and I can't seem to get my head working. All I want to do is stay home and forget about everything and everybody for a day or two. e

I know how to teach. Scheduling is not a great dilemma. But, I can't do either. Nothing is making sense any more.

Next week - the 27th - I am off. Tom's birthday. That weekend - he will have been gone for a whole year. A lifetime really.

It could be why I can't think or focus lately. Could be??? I am sure it is. The children deserve better than that. Thank you God for Cathy and Kim. They keep life moving in the classroom and don't make me feel stupid when I forget what I am doing or where I left my papers.

I miss you Tom.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Stories of Jesus

Tell me the stories of Jesus I love to hear;
Things I would ask Him to tell me if He were here;
Scenes by the wayside, tales of the sea,
Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.

First let me hear how the children stood round His knee,
And I shall fancy His blessing resting on me;
Words full of kindness, deeds full of grace,
All in the love light of Jesus’ face.

Tell me, in accents of wonder, how rolled the sea,
Tossing the boat in a tempest on Galilee;
And how the Maker, ready and kind,
Chided the billows, and hushed the wind.

Into the city I’d follow the children’s band,
Waving a branch of the palm tree high in my hand.
One of His heralds, yes, I would sing
Loudest hosannas, “Jesus is King!”

Show me that scene in the garden, of bitter pain.
Show me the cross where my Savior for me was slain.
Sad ones or bright ones, so that they be
Stories of Jesus, tell them to me.


Tom often called me his "silly mouse". It would mean nothing to anyone but us. And it did have great meaning.

I collect mice. Any kind but alive. It started with a character I created during the time we were pastors in Connecticut. Melvin was our 'church mouse'. He came out at night and added stories and notes for the church newsletter. He spoke about his wife, Melsa, and their many children. Melvin said many things that needed to be said. He was so good at it. The only time I ever felt free was when I was Melvin.

I have never been good at social things. Jokes were not in my repertoire. Social events were my nightmare - and I was a pastor's wife. It seems that I can't say the right things. I say something - knowing what I mean - and it is taken another way. People aren't in my head. They only see the outside. The outside was my discomfort being in public.

Melvin had no such problems. Melvin could tell jokes, preach, teach, and laugh. Tom understood me. In the privacy of our home - I could be funny, laugh, tell jokes, sing, act, just generally be goofy. I was his Silly Mouse. He was my pastor, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, and the rock that made life doable.

Tom is gone. But the silly mouse is still here. I have found her coming out more in public. I am having to create a new self since mine was so interwoven with Tom's. I am incorporating Melvin into the new me. We shall see who/what I turn out to be.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011



Sunday, September 11, 2011

Here I Am

Here I am
Sitting as usual
Dreaming of nothing
Wishing days did not exist
Days already gone
Here I am
Sitting as usual
But nothing is usual
I am changed
Not all for the better

Thursday, September 8, 2011


There is so little time.
Remember that.
What is the last thing you said to your spouse?
Was it kind?
Did it uplift him/her?
If your marriage were a flowered plant - filled with gorgeous blooms and every time you berated or made mean comments to your spouse - a bloom fell dead. How what would your plant look like? Would it be filled with blooms - or be empty?

Miss you my beloved.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thoughts thoughts about family

You can take a lot from family that you won't from others. But the time comes - when even family go too far.

Remind me of my loss - I am OK.
Tell me I can't share my feelings - I am not OK.

Some friends are closer than blood. They will suffice at times.

Family - such a mixture of love and hate. Friend and Foe.
Can't live with or without them.

They are family - a part of me.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Grandpa and Grandma

February will be here soon. Our grandchild will be born and life will change again.

It was pointed out to me this weekend that you are dead. Speaking about spoiling our first grandchild was followed by a 'goof' on someone's part when they mentioned Grandma and Grandpa. "ooops - I'm sorry. I forgot he is gone. Isn't that funny?" This - accompanied by laughter and a few other comments. It was not intentional. I knew that. But I remembered - for the first time - that I will be grandma without grandpa. It wasn't funny - but it was and is reality.

You will be there. You dwell in the mind, heart, laughter, and eyes of your son. You live in my memory forever. You will be a part of that child.

It was not funny. I miss you. We were supposed to be grandparents together. I am not laughing.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

August - the end

Good-bye August. September is all but here. Am I ready for it? Already I plan his birthday. A day for me to grieve and pray and die. One day to feel sorry for me. One day to pity myself for all that I have lost.

Will I stay home, curled in a corner crying?
Will I go to the lake and fish as he would have wanted to do?
What will I do? I know not. Only know that I will be alone with my Tommy on that day. I will not pretend to be happy. Laughter will not be forced or feigned.

September is coming again. Your birthday love. Our day.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I am not crying.
I do not weep.
My heart is whole and beating strong.
Life continues with happiness and peace.
Still I grieve.
I can not think.
Thoughts jumble and creak in my brain.
Grief - so many faces - ever present.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


School starts tomorrow.
You will not be here but you will.
You will be in the love that I share with the kids.
You will be in the smiles shared with staff.
Your smile will fill me when stress overwhelms.
The twinkle that lit your eyes so often - will be before me always.
I will not be alone.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Not Silence

Can I say it? Can I tell you the truth?
Would you think less of me if I said what filled me?
It can not be said. It can not escape into the world.
Silence is the answer. Silence to the world at large.
Inside me - it rages. A storm that screams and moans in agony.
Loud, crashing, debilitating sound
I can not say it.
I can not write it.
But you know.
You know how I feel.
You know the reality of my pain.
Tommy - forgive and love me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Facebook Post

Someone wrote of Facebook - I don't know if they thought about it at all. It went like this

There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone back ... and spend the day with them ...just one more time, kiss them goodbye or hear their voice again or say things you wish you had said and told them how much you loved them. Copy and paste in remembrance of your loved ones who are not here..gone but never forgotten.

I would never really want you to come back. To love you would be wonderful - but to say good-bye again - I could not do that. Nor could I ask you to give up the Glory of God that shines on you daily.

I grieve your loss. I miss you being here with me. But - I would never ask you back. They were right about one thing - you are never forgotten.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Is it still today?
Am I still alone?
My tears are filling me
flooding my soul
Shouldn't I be happy yet?
Couldn't the pain and emptiness just go away?
Today? Yesterday? Tomorrow?
One the same as the other
Nothing changes
I drown in sorrow
My hopes are flooded with the tears of my loneliness.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Alone - again - still - forever

Alone again.
It isn't possible to be this lonely and live.
Is it?
I am alone
And I miss him so much.
He was the voice that comforted
The voice that cheered
The voice that filled me with hope and joy
I am alone
And I miss him.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Back to School

Why aren't you here?
Where did you go?
You need to be here with me. I need you.
Beginning a new year without your smile.
Your support made if possible
Could it be done without you?
Why do I try?

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Although I love and care for people
It is beyond my poor power to sympathize with those who hurt others because of their greed
I have been hurt
I have judged
And will be judged
But I have loved
And am loved
God alone knows the reasons
the follies
the pain
the joy
that is part and parcel of me

Monday, August 1, 2011

Count My Blessings

Out upon life's billows I've been tempest-tossed
Sometimes I'm discouraged, thinking all is lost
I try to count my blessings, name them one by one,
It really does surprise me what the Lord has done.

I count my blessings, name them one by one
I count my blessings, see what God has done
I count my blessings, name them one by one
I count my many blessings and see what God has done.

I have felt so burdened with a load of care.
The cross seemed too heavy I was called to bear.
I look upon my journey - all the battles won
And count my blessings knowing you are one.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

How Are You?

Friend: How are you?
Me: I'm OK.
Friend: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

: How are you?
Me: It's been a rough day but I'm OK.
Family: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

God: I know how you are.
: Father I am in so much pain. Sometimes I think I might be OK but it doesn't
last. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out while I breathe.
Other times I don't think I can breathe. The nights are long and filled with emptiness - the days are filled with forgetting and pretending. How long can it endure?
God: I am here always daughter.
Me: Thanks Daddy.

Thursday, July 28, 2011


One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Moving through shadows and light
Day after day
Week after week
Month after month

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Another day begins anew
Already I wish it done
But there are steps to take today
Places to go
Things to do
One foot - then the other
One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Step upon step
Moving forward - most of the time

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Moving on

Away - that is where you are - where I will be
Away - not far - but too far for me - right now

It isn't pleasant without you here - sometimes the pain is more that I can bear
Your shadow is everywhere - I see you in your son's face - in his jokes - everyplace.
It doesn't seem fair somehow - that you are gone - and I am stuck right here.

You would be pleased with me I think. I have been stronger than I thought possible.
I have learned to laugh and cry at the same time.
Moving on - that's what they call it - moving on from where to where? Or is it just moving? I don't know.
But I am moving somewhere. There has been no chance to stand still and figure things out. It is just one step after the other and I find when I look back - I have moved on.

Monday, July 25, 2011


From the ashes
life renews
gritty, determined, dusty
from the refuse
hope rebuilds
where once death prevailed
Out of the ashes - life
Out of life - Ashes
Great circles upon circles
ash upon ash

The Silence is Over

Did you see?
Did you hear?
The tearless silence is over.
Grief pours like a fiery river from my soul.
It burns as they flow down in rivulets from my eyes.

Tommy - sweet Tommy - I am lost
Everything here is right - but still wrong -
Did you see?
Did you hear?
Your memory fills me with joy - and sadness.
It is not possible to go on - pretending life is good.
Life is only an imitation now - a shadow - a misery.

I miss you.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I was wrong. I thought that grief was tears. It isn't! There is so much pain that I don't understand. Too much to handle - too much pain. There are no tears. Only pain that rips me in half and fills my soul with fire. Burn! Burn through the pain.Burn! Fire of grief. Cleanse me and fill me with hope.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Simple moments

A week has passed without tears. A week filled with thoughts of Tom and those things that made him happy, things we did together. A week without grieving and sadness. A moment of sad thought - followed by joy knowing that we will be together again. Simple moments that remind me of how he loved me and how he filled my life. Simple moments - but no tears.

Does it mean that I miss him less? No - it just means I didn't cry. Maybe it means that acceptance in coming closer. I don't know. I do know that I miss him greatly. But - I am OK.

Sometimes when I think of him I laugh. He had that effect on me. He loved to laugh and he shared it with me. He shared that sense of humor with his son also. Sometimes when Joe is saying something - I hear Tom. The voice - the thought process - the look.

For today - at least - I am OK.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Water Recedes

Another day almost done. Should I grieve each day? Or - is it OK that there are days without too much pain?

There is an ocean surging and receding within me. Yesterday a painful surge - today - quiet, peaceful receding. The waters of pain are flowing further and further away. IT is OK today.

My tears filled the ocean's depth only yesterday. I am dried out. There are no more tears today. It is OK today.

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July dud

I tried. It may have seemed to some that I was there. But, were the truth told, I was with you. There was no way to stay for fireworks - all I wanted was to be home, to cry in private, to miss you alone.

Fireworks are all around. I can here them. But it is not the same without you. Oh God, how I miss you today. Sitting at the cemetery did not help. Talking to you is all that will make things right.

Come - ooh and aah with me. Declare the night a success of freedom. I miss you. Every firework is a dud - without you by my side. This night must end.

It Is Late!

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - far away
Where would I go - should I be able to choose the destination of my dreams?
Would mountains display their grandeur? Oceans their roaring waves?
Maybe butterflies would fill a sunlit sky creating never before seen shades of color, shadow, and light.
Where would I go - what would I hear? Should the choice be mine of destination and sound?
Voices of angels? Music of waterfalls? Whispers of birds wings on a spring day?

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - far away to you. To memories of your smile and laughter. Let me travel through your dreams and memories. I would hear you calling my name with the love that only now I begin to understand. Your face would fill my heart and mind. Your eyes - bluer than any ocean- purer than any sky - they would watch me come closer and closer -

It is late - sleep should overtake and whisk me away - but it does not come. Instead - I remember you. You fill me and I do not sleep or dream. Your voice - let me hear you call my name. Free me from the silence.

It is late -

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Nine Months

It has been 9 months since Tom died. So much can happen in 9 months. You can have a baby, finish a regular school year, or complete 3 quarters in college. In my case - 9 months has brought a complete change in life.

I have moved to a different house. made new friends,and begun to build a new life. Although there was really nothing wrong with the old life - the new one is going well. My work has changed locations. The new school is far better than the old one. The atmosphere it encouraging and supportive. The new house is smaller, well laid out, and inviting. It has a lightness that was not present in the old.

I am learning to live alone without all the sadness that filled my days and nights only a few short months ago. Although the grief can sometimes overwhelm - it recedes more quickly...and like the waves of the ocean...when it recedes it leaves behind small treasures to discover,explore, and enjoy.

Life has taken on a rhythm - a melody - that is slowly becoming my own. Tom's melody blended so well with mine - we were one composition - the music of our lives filled us, radiated from us, became us. Part of me - part of the music of my life - is gone. The composition is changing. At first - it seemed discordant - a cacophonous disaster. Now - there is the beginning of sweetness to the melody that was not there before. It is a new composition - the harmony is different - but pleasing. God is the conductor - drawing ever sweeter music from this broken instrument.

Nine months - not a longtime - just a lifetime.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Crying Again - Naturally

I am alone. I am not sad. Neither am I depressed. I am alone. Nobody touches me when I am at home. Nobody calls my name in the night. I am alone. Where are the arms that enfolded me in their strength? I am alone. I am happy. But - I am alone

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I am not single. In my mind and heart - I am still married to Tommy. He is mine and I am his.

I am not single. There is no place in my life for anyone other than him. I wear his ring on my hand and his love in my heart.

I am not single. There is no opening in my heart for another man. Tom is my man. He is my love. He is me.

I am not single.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tommy - The metal sculpture we liked is hanging on the wall. I hung the birds just like we would have if you were here. I miss you. This is a nice house and it is my home. But - you aren't here. You have never seen this house.

It has more light than the old one. It has a true southwest feel to it. What good is that without you and mom in it? You brought the southwest to me. I embraced it. The colors, the images, the food. Thank you for sharing with me.

Tell Mom I miss her and love her. There is an emptiness here without the both of you. But still - this is my home and I will be OK. It is just strange that we are not here together.

I love you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Is it possible?

Is it possible? I wouldn't have thought it - but - it seems to be true. I am alive. I always thought that if something happened it would be to me. You would go on and I would wait for you. But here I am - and you are waiting for me.

Is it possible? Life has continued for all these months without stopping. Day follows night. Night follows day. The world keeps spinning and life goes on. It should not be so. But - it is.

Is it possible? Joy has found its way to the surface more than once. I have caught myself laughing and playing. Joy is not lost on me. Is it possible that I have moved on with the days and nights that have passed since you left?

Night follows day. Day follows night. I am still here. You are not. Is that possible? No - it is not possible. I can not let it be so. You were the focus of my life. Now - my life is blurry and hard to see. Except - there are moments......

Thursday, June 16, 2011

loving you

I love you. You are not here with me. I have not seen you in months. Yet, I love you. Your smile is a part of me. I can see it sometimes when I am alone. When I am sad - your voice is a comfort. I love you. I miss you.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Going through pictures - choosing those that will be on the walls - I went through half of a lifetime with Tom. A glimpse of the wedding, pregnant with Joe, Tom holding Joe in his arms, playing. There were so many reminders of the days we had. Is it possible that so many years have passed?
I saw pictures of my grandparents, my parents, Tom's parents. People who lived lifetimes together until death tore them apart. They survived until God called them home. So shall I survive until I hear that call.

I would rather have him by my side in life rather than in pictures. But memories and photos are all I have. Savoring them both

Today Was New

Oh Tommy

You had so many friends and I so few.
I didn't understand how wonderful it was to have people who cared about me and were fun to be with.
The trick is - I care about them. I love their smiles and enjoy spending time with them.
We hung pictures in the new house today. More laughter and talk than picture hanging. It was a great day. Movie night is in the works.

Did you know when you left that I would still be crying today?
I didn't!
I love you and it fills me with pain that you are not here to share that love with.

Why did you leave me? Why did you go home without me? Can I come too.

Lord - call me home or settle my heart.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Moments Pain

It just was
You threatened my stability
You created a chasm between peace and my heart
A day, a moment, a few words
And you broke me
do you see
do you care
you took it away
my reaction spewed like vomit
the stench surrounds
you brought it out
wear it
smell it
you deserve it
I will pay for it
suffer the grief and harm
you brought it

Monday, June 6, 2011

Blessings and Tears

There are blessings involved in being the wife of a deceased veteran who officially died due to the conditions he was disabled for. I get to apply for a property tax exemption on the house and I get to attend any state college or university for free. I still would rather have Tom with me and pay these things. An evening of tears. God help me - I miss him.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Children splashing in a pool
Laughter of families - together
The hum of a refrigerator
All things that fill my ears today.
But I hear more.
I hear without my ears
My heart takes over
And sounds fill the room.
I 'hear' my husband's love in the walls of my home.
Even in death - he provided for me.
Love yells out from pictures
Smiles long gone but forever preserved.
My heart hears them.
My heart hears the laughter that was captured in that simple smile
I hear more.
God speaks his love in the wind, the hum of life filling this house,
the laughter of children, the gentle whine of a dog longing for her master's lap.
I hear it.
I am loved.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


Listen intently
Still your breathing
Quiet your beating heart
Can you hear it?
Are the words floating into your soul
Silence unneeded thoughts
Cease the endless activity
Can you hear it?
The words drift quietly on the wind
Floating like a flutterby in the breeze
God speaks this way
Hello my child.
I love you.
You are mine.

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's Quiet Now!

It's quiet now. The day ebbs slowly away. I love the day and grieve its loss. Yet, the night shadows bring their own peace.

Prayers take wing for those I love, for those I hear of, those I see. The peace of night brings calm to my heart. Prayer is easier then. Prayer for others.

When the day is high, pain is steady, and my heart beats swift and sure - the prayers are my own. Prayers for peace. Prayers for hope. Prayers for God's arms to hold me close.

It's quiet now.

thank you

thank you
words with meaning I have never known before
thank you
for being my strength
for being a friend
thank you
for words that lift and alieve
thank you
for strength that fills my heart and keeps it beating through the pain.
Thank you
A meal says so little
but it carries my words
Thank you
For my life

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Words long past and returned

The wind has come again. Some clouds linger but my grief and pain are lessened with each voice carried in not so silent breezes. "Be blessed" shivers in the moving leaves. "We are here" echoes in the silent hallway. "You are not alone" lifts the kites toward heaven. "I have been there before" whispers in the gentle sway of the grasses.

There have been times passed when I wanted to be a breeze - a breathe of air - a baby's sneeze. These words have been written before. Could it have been the ideas of others floating around me in the ocean scented breeze? Are our thoughts and prayers forwarded to us by God's great creation - the wind?

Let my prayers be sent out in such a way. "I am here" "You are loved" "God is with you"

Monday, May 9, 2011

clouds and wind

The clouds came in with the wind.
The darkness they shared was welcome to me.
It matched the darkness in my heart today.
I don't want them to blow away.
It is my time
My time to feel my pain
My time to hurt and weep
My time to die inside
It is my time
The clouds will not stay forever
The pain will flee before the winds of time
But when?
will that wind blow today?
will it be a day - a week - a month?
My pain is the clouds -
Let the wind blow

Saturday, April 30, 2011

April the last day

Tommy - I miss you. It is hard to see the good things I have and not think of you. Our friends came and started the landscaping in the front today. It looks so nice. You would have loved it.

The lady at the nursery sold me her Sago Palm She and her husband bought two for their home. He died. She brought one of them back to the nursery and has had it there for eight years. She sold it to me today and told me the story of her palm. It was comforting to be in the company of someone who really understood the pain, the loneliness, the grief. She knew - she knew. I have inherited a part of her dream. I am going to share it with her. The palm had several small ones growing off of it. We took them and planted them into tubs. If they survive - I will put one into a nice pot and take it back to her. She can have part of her dream back.

I miss you.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Saturday before Easter

Tomorrow is Easter. I am not wearing a new dress tomorrow. There will be no new shoes. My hair will be the hair that people see everyday. Tomorrow is Easter. It is the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ. It is not about me, my clothes, my hair. It is about HIM!!! No fashion show required. Just rejoicing, praise, worship. A heart filled with gratitude for the great gift that he has given us by dieing in our place on the cross.

Easter - a day for thanksgiving.

Friday, April 22, 2011

A brother

Soon, our brother and friend will be ordained as an Anglican priest. Tom would have rejoiced with him. I am grieving the loss of my best friend. I want to attend the ordination for TOM. Denny was his brother in every way but biology. He loved Denny so much. Denny was the brother Tom never had. How can I not be there?
Father of all - - help me. Let me be the representative of my husband. Let me bless my brother in Tom's place.

Oh God = how I miss them.

Monday, April 18, 2011


It is fun here. There is no denying that. But there are moments of pain interspersed amid the fun. The last place we ate before Tom got sick. The last game we played before Tom got sick. The plans we had for this week. The fun we shared when we were here together.

Nothing is the same - but nothing is different. Confusing?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Spring Break

Today begins Spring Break. My mother and I are going to Las Vegas for a few days after my brother's birthday party. It should be good. I will miss my kids but not the IEP meetings and paperwork. This has been a tough couple of weeks paperwork/meeting wise.

The last time I was there Tom got really sick. We almost took him to the hospital in Vegas. Instead - we came home. He never came home for long after that. I wonder if he knew then. How I will miss him this time. He was fun.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Our Anniversay - Saturday - April 9

Tommy, it has been 30 years. Remember that day? The dress was ruined by the seamstress - so I wore Sally's dress. It was late getting to the church - so I fell apart. You wore your uniform. I still see you standing - waiting for me- at the alter.

I remember the ivy that hung from my beautiful Sweat Pea bouquet. It was shaking back and forth as I walked toward you. It was funny. You almost set my veil on fire with the covenent candle. That was funny too.

I remember your father - he told you that if you ever hurt me - he would kill you. That must have been his way of welcoming me to the family. You never hurt me. Your life made mine more complete. Your love saved me over and over again.

I remember the beautiful cake my Aunt Wilma made. She made two of the layers with my grandmother's spice cake recipe. You didn't care for spice cake. You loved this. It was a part of my past and you wanted to be a part of every part of me.

I remember the beginning of our honeymoon. The hotel gave away our reservation. We finally found a room but we were so tired - we laid on the bed watching TV and drinking a glass of wine until we slept.

I remember having to go the DMV the very next day because my drivers license was going to expire. That's what happens when you get married 3 days before your birthday. It was strange to sign my name 'Weyant' instead of 'Stewart'. Strange - but wonderful.

I remember walking the beach with you knowing that in 7 days - you would be going out to sea and not come back for 6 months. I remember. I will always remember. This time it will be more than 6 months before I see you again. Maybe we can walk together again.

I remember.

Friday, April 8, 2011

In Good Hands

In fact, were I to be honest, I would have to say that Tom has left me in good hands.

He has left me in the hands of God. My Lord, My Savior, My All. No matter how I may feel otherwise, I am never truly alone. God is there for me. Often, I turn away because of the pain, hurt, and anger.

He has left me in the hands of family. My family, His family, Our family. They care about me and take me for who I am. Although they don't know for themselves the pain I suffer - they are there - with open arms.

He has left me in the hands of friends. Good friends. People who pray, who listen, who care. Friends that ask nothing in return. Good friends.

He has left me in the hands of fellow teachers. People of compassion and mercy. They accept me for who I am and make each day better for their having been there. The teachers at my school are finestkind. They reach out with their words, their eyes, and their hearts.

Yes, Tom has left me in good hands. Were it not for all of these good hands, I would not be alive today. Thank you all. Thank you Tom.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wednesday Evening

A quiet moment
A quiet moment alone
A quiet moment alone again.

A black day.
A black day alone.
A black day alone again.

A new day.
A new day dawns.
A new day dawns again.

I will live.
I will live forever.
I will live forever - - - -
I will live

Friday, April 1, 2011


I miss you Tommy. Again I am alone on a Friday evening. While I sit here, looking around me, I wait for your voice to intercede and set me free. I am in chains - bound by my lonliness and pain. You should never have left me.

You abandoned me. Left me to suffer the lonliness of the night. The wrenching cries of the silence. How could you leave me in such a place? Come back - take me in your arms - cry "April Fools" - and love me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Coming

Friday. It's coming.

Friday is the 6 month anniversary of Tom's death. 6 months of loneliness. 6 months of waiting for him to answer me when I call. 6 months of unending grief and pain. 6 months of learning to live again. 6 months - unending 6 months.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Two of Me

There are two of me.
One sits calmly as days go by
Smiling, teaching, laughing, living
One sits in the darkness of remembrance
Crying, hating, screaming, dieing

There are two of me
One believes in the joy of tomorrow
Praising, rejoicing, hoping, loving
One has naught to be believe in
Except doubt, fear, pain, regret

There are two of me
I am neither
I am both

Friday, March 25, 2011

An Anniversary

The box came. Two flags, 6 rifle shells, 2 letters from the captain of the USS Stenis. Pictures. Mom and Dad were buried at sea. It came on the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death. Reminders of what is no more.

I am so lonely.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

another Tuesday

A movie plays while the dogs sleep
I think my heart should sleep along with them
But it is awake
My mind won't settle
A dream is passing by
My dream drifting into the darkness
Time for a new dream?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

If wishes were.....

If wishes were anything of value
The banks would overflow with mine
But wishes are worthless
Dreams are a waste
I'll stick with my vision
and keep with my faith.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Moved In

It has been awhile. I am mostly in the house and settled. The girls are resting on the floor by my side, dinner is over, and I am relaxing.

There is a peace here that has made it easier. It is a settled, quiet peace. There are parts of Mom and Tom here. The old radio is on the wall in front of me. Anne's hutch is to the left with my tea cups, tea pots, and Mom's Storyteller doll. It reminds me of a song from Fiddler on the Roof. Part of it includes, "A little bit of this. A little bit of that." It is all here. We are all here is some way.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


They came. My friends and family came. They took my furniture a piece at a time. Soon, there was nothing in the prayer room. Almost nothing in the living room.

Sadness. Unending pain. Didn't know it would come. It walked through the door with friends and family. Every item touched...moved...removed. Every item filled with Tom and I.
Sorrow, grief, pain. Don't touch the chair. Don't move the box. Take the pain instead. Leave the lamp. Leave the table. Leave my heart to remember joy. Every item - a sharp, stabbing, sorrowful pain. Every move - a piece of us gone.

Friday, March 4, 2011


Tomorrow a couple of friends are coming over to help get some more packing done. As much as I want to leave here, I have fought it also. My house is almost ready and it is time. I am going to buy a bed for the guest room and have it delivered there so that I can stay there before the POD is moved. Sort of working my way slowly into the move.

Sometimes I think I am healing too quickly from the pain of Tom's death. I am laughing more, having a good time, and feeling relaxed at work. It's hard to think that I may not have loved him as much as I thought. How could I feel this ok with things if I really loved him? How could I move on so easily? Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't know.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Not caring

I read in the paper that I don't care about my students. Since I have tenure and can not be 'fired' I obviously don't care about my students. I am safe.

It was hard to read that. My students are why I wake up in the morning. They have made the transition from married to being a widow so much easier. I spend my money on them. I always have. I want them to learn and do whatever it takes to get them there. This Popeye person says I am tenured therefore I don't care. He/She doesn't know teachers well. I haven't met a teacher on my campus who doesn't care about their student and what they learn.


Sunday, February 27, 2011

there is a future waiting.

A part of me is crying today. It doesn't show to those who pass by. It wouldn't be noticed by casual time. But for those who know and those who choose to see...There are tears filling me. I am lost in time..stuck in another day. There seems to way out. But truth will raise it's mighty arm and chase away all that is not. Those who know and those who choose to see..there is a future awaiting me.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another Saturday

I went to see the new house again. The concrete on the side of the house is in. It is now ready for the installation of the dog door and kennel. The stove and micro are installed. The toilets are replaced and the bathroom floor in the master replaced. The plumbing is finished? and the electrical will be done this week. The fireplace insert goes in on Tuesday. There are few excuses left not to move in.

Excuses? Maybe. This house is part of Tom and Mom. It is something I will leave behind. I look forward to the change and dread it also. Will I forget them? No.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Sitting at the old house - hard to call it home.
The new house isn't finished - I am not moved in.
But, already, it is home. This is where I will live with the girls (dogs), cradle my grandchildren in my arms (hopefully), visit with friends and family, and grow old.

God has prepared an eternal home for me. Tom is waiting there. And while I await my turn to go to that everlasting home - God has prepared a place for me here. A place to work for HIM. A home that is dedicated to HIM. He is the God of today, tomorrow, and forever.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Say a prayer.
Whisper a dream.
Sing into the night air - a promise - a hope.
Say to the day - 'Be Gone'
To the sun - 'Shine no more'
There is no light bright enough
To erase the darkness.
Say a prayer.
Whisper your dream.
Even in the darkness
It will be seen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Missing You

I miss you. I transferred the Electric and gas to the new house. Everything makes me think of you. I love you. Everyday now - I cry. Please know - you are missed.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You Would Have Liked It!

I sat in the house yesterday thinking of you. It is a house that you would have liked. Not too big...not too small. The yard has enough lawn but not so much that we would really need to do a lot of work on it. Mostly patio and walkways.

The front bedroom would have been perfect for your reading room. Plenty of light, airy, comfortable. I thought of you. The house will be comfortable. Not too big for me to care for. Room to move around though. It is a good house. You would have liked it. You would have been happy to know - that I am going to be OK.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Good Morning?

Good Morning World. It is a good morning. Breath moves in and out of my lungs. Blood courses through my veins carrying life preserving nutrients and oxygen everywhere. Yes, it is a good morning.

My girls are here. Lizzy sits in her crate waiting for me to notice that she is looking at me. Shilah is in the back yard - walking around. She isn't much for being inside the house during the day. Yes - it is a good morning.

Good Morning. The words mean something much different today than they did 6 months ago. Good Morning. Tom is not here. Good Morning. Mom is not here. Good Morning. Pain rips at my heart and soul. Good Morning? Life is here - Yes, it is a Good Morning.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Week Later

I have a new house. It is a new start for me. Although I am looking forward to starting this phase of my life- I am aware of how much I have lost and am leaving behind.

Sometimes I think life will come crashing down around me - but it doesn't. Things keep going - I go to work, I feed the dogs, the kids come to class, the sun comes up, the bells ring, I go home. Does anyone know that Tom died? Do they know that my life is messed up? Shouldn't they all stop, sit, and wait for death to come? Why does life keep going? I don't know. It just does.

Monday, February 7, 2011

love each other

Another moment apart. How can life go on when I am alone like this. People don't seem to realize that they are hurting me by loving, caring for others in front of me. Yet, how painful would it be to see them angry and hateful when Tom and I shared so much love with each other? I am jealous and lonely.

Please - love each other. Imagine there is no tomorrow. Love like it will end in a flash. Because - it may. Your displays of affection and joy may cause me some pain - but I would truly have it no other way. Laugh, love, enjoy each other. I will survive it. In fact, it may bring back memories of better times.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Quiet Sunday

This has been a quiet day. Although I love the quiet, they are days when I dwell on Tom more. I miss my best friend. I miss the smile that is part imp and part lover. He loved life so much and he took me along for the ride. Now - it's up to me and it doesn't work so well.

Tears come
Tears go
In between the laughter and smiles
So much gone
How many empty places
Gentle heart now missing from my life and there is no replacement.
It is not a dream.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Another Friday

Have not been here is a while. This has been a long and difficult week. So much at work and even more here. I am sick. My chest hurts from coughing, my throat hurts from ????, my ears hurt, and my bronchioles are spasming when I cough.No air - I turn red. So uncomfortable. I have been teaching with very little voice. Hurts to talk.

But it isn't all bad. I have had a phonecall about renting the house. Signed the papers for the new house. Can't wait to see it all come together.

My son had surgery yesterday. For awhile I was scared - thinking about Tom.But God is in control and all is well.

Monday, January 31, 2011

A Letter

Got a letter from the Navy today. They want to know if I have remarried yet? Tom has been gone for 4 months - have I remarried?????

My heart is shocked and broken. What a cruel letter to send at this time. I miss him so much. Life is not the same.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


It snuck up on me today.
Had I really almost forgotten?
Is it possible that life seemed normal suddenly?
I almost forgot my heart, my best friend is missing from my day.
It snuck up - I remembered.
Sudden, intense, corrosive sadness.
Grief does not go away.
It hides in the quiet places that are easy to ignore for awhile.
It does not leave.
It grows in the darkness.
Steps out and bites.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Their laughter makes my day so sweet.
Sitting eager to hear me speak - minds ready to listen - to try at least
My students - my helpers
Knowing they are there, knowing they need me
Makes my day doable even when the pain cuts like a knife
When tears threaten behind my smile
Being needed - wanted
I can
I will
They are saving my sanity for another day
Filling some of the hole corroding my heart.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A gift of a memory

Sometimes memories are painful. Often they bring joy. At times - it's both. A memory sweet upon my mind, a smile, a lift of the chin that speaks laughter. Bright eyes - impish - humor filled. Oh how I miss that smile.

Today - the memory was sweet. But tears filled the air - electricity between hearts. A memory shared.

Sweet Day.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ocean Waves

Grief - like the waves of the ocean - comes
The waves crash on the broken shore of my heart
Then leave - taking me piece by piece in the crush of the receding waters.
Tides of grief have no schedule, no pattern, no predictor
There is no way to prepare for the huge waves the hurdle toward the shores of my life.
The tides of grief were so close together - lasted so long - never thought to survive the onslaught.
Time has slowed the changing tides. More low tides, more peaceful waters.
But I know, the crashing, crushing, destructive waves will return again.
Once more I will ride the waves onto the shore, maybe one day - I will ride on top of the wave - free to enjoy the wind in my face, sunshine glistening on the water. One day - One day

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday - at last

The end of a good week at school but a week with new struggles emotionally. I was notified that the insurance company has agreed with the accidental death portion of the claim. It means a little more money - but still no Tom. I was also notified that my mother-in-law and father-in-law's ashes have been taken out on a Navy ship and will be buried at sea within a week or so.

Too many emotions. Have been crying more. I want my Tommy - but can't have him. Want my MIL - but can't have her. Want my Daddy - but can't have him either. Sometimes I feel very alone.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pissed off

Fought with neighbors last night. Tom should have been here to deal with this. I am angry. They threaten me, they called me names, and Tom wasn't here to protect or stand up for me. I am pissed.

Monday, January 17, 2011

One day

A hole in my heart.
A hope in my soul.
Peace in the future.
One day - I'll be whole.

There is peace looming on the horizon. It seems far away - but I'll make it.
I think.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I got a call from one of my mother-in-law's cousins. I had planned on writing and letting him know about Mom and Tom. But he called first. What a wonderful man he seems to be. Loving,gentle, and kind. He and his family all work in church related stuff. He is coming to visit his kids on the west coast and he is going to come see me as well. He and his family are praying for us. What a wonderful phone call. Thank you God for loving me when I feel so unlovable.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday - at last

Last night was so hard. I cried more than I have in a week or two combined. Everything I had to do after work related to Tom or the lack of him. I was totally surprised that my neighbors didn't call the police when I started screaming. Of course, they were yelling already and probably didn't hear me.

My heart hurts.
Not like a sprain or a strain.
But like somebody is stabbing me with a sharp knife. Cutting through me. Exposing me. I feel exposed and broken. I have not healed yet. Oh God, why?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wednesday again.

School is good for me but it is kickin my butt. I am so tired when I get home that almost nothing else gets done. Today must be different. There is no staying away from housework,laundry, and pets. Also still have school work to do tonight. If I can get through today - only two days till a three day weekend.

If Tom were here he would know how to prioritize everything. I don't. Just one thing and then the next. WHichever I see first, then next. It will all get done in the end.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Haven't posted in a couple of days. Hard to balance work and time on computer. So tired - I go to bed early or veg in front of TV staring blankly.

Sometimes I feel so lost with nobody in the house at night. Other times, I feel good. It is hard to relax sometimes. The dog is starting to feel comfortable enough to bark but not ready to protect yet. She is so abused and not ready to trust yet.

My heart is healing but I am not healed. I am still broken and my heart still aches. My students help - their laughter and stupid antics make my day. But - - sometimes I just want to stay home and hide out. Lonely.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


I missed a day. It will happen again. But Friday was a long tiring day and I wasn't ready to write anything.

Saturday - both dogs are bathed, groomed, and look fine. I knew that Shilah had a lot of white on her - but it was a muted, ugly white. Today - it is white. She is absolutely beautiful.

Although I talk/write of other things, I haven't forgotten Tom or Mom for a minute. Their presense in this house is so strong. I survived Thanksgiving. I survived Christmas. But how long will I survive with their shadows all around me? They are still a part of me and I miss them. It hasn't even been a year since Mom died, less than 4 months since Tom died. My heart is full of holes. God help me - I hurt still.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Thank you

Thank you Father for friends and friendly coworkers. Thank you for smiles and laughter. Thank you for students who accept that I am their teacher even after three months away from them. Thank you for assistants who make my day so much better. Thank you for loving me even when I am at my most unlovable. Thank you Father - for your son Jesus.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Emotional rollercoaster

Today, although a good day, has been a day of rollercoaster emotions. Love the kids, the staff, the work. Miss Tom more than I can say. He was my rock.

On a brighter? note - other neighbors are fed up with my next door neighbor. They have destroyed a car, had too many parties, too much drinking, threatening to fight with people. Things may get better here eventually. The owner of the house next door may have to find new renters. Others are pursuing charges against them and 'cousin' for totally his car.

I wish Tom were here to help me feel safe.

Monday, January 3, 2011

First Day Back

I'm back! School went well considering I have been out for 3 months. It was hard knowing I was coming home to house without Tom in it. He was always here for me. I will adjust.

Being back was good. People kept welcoming me back, smiling, and encouraging me. Never have I felt so appreciated and welcome at work. Thank you Jesus for Granite Pointe. I am going to have to make schedule changes to allow for testing and working with individual students on their goals. Overall - the subs did well for being gen ed teachers. There are some things that work in gen ed that don't work in sped. But - they did good.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Work tomorrow. Nervous, scared, elated. Can't sleep but will be OK tomorrow. Tommy - I miss you so much.You gave me strength to do this everyday. You encouraged me. You took care of me. You elevated me to heights I had never known before. You have been gone 3 months - tomorrow I go back without you home - praying for me, supporting me. I don't know if I can do it without you. Be with me. I love you.

Three Months

Three months ago last night - I lost Tom. It was a difficult night then and now. How could I have planned or prepared for this? I had no idea what it would be like or how I would feel. My feelings are as changeable as the weather sometimes. Up and down on the wings of memories. A reminder here, a reminder there. I miss him so much.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

January 1st

I finally found a new dog. They called her Shiloh - I have called her Shilah. She needs a lot of love.

My neighbors need to be arrested and I am doing my best to make it happen. I have been kept awake or awakened enough. Tonight - breaking glass, screaming, yelling. So much for sleeping. I need out of this house.