It has been a long journey since Tom died. There are days when I think, "I made it! I am done with grieving! Done with sadness. I have graduated." Then another day comes of sadness and tears. It may be just a moment, a fleeting glimpse of sorrow. Or, it could be a full-fledged smack in the face. They come and go.
I am not unhappy. There is a joy in me that does not end when grief returns. Facing sorrow with joy is different. I never knew they could coexist. But - they do.
Eating alone has not gotten much easier. I enjoyed my times out with Tom. We could laugh and talk about anything. Sometimes, we just ate and didn't speak at all for periods of time. Going out alone reminds me of everything I have lost in the past couple of years. I sit alone and just eat. There is no laughter or talking. Just me - eating. If a tear trickles down my face - what are people to know or think? Only in my heart is there knowledge and understanding. I want to scream at them sometimes - tell them to truly appreciate what they have. Don't take it for granted. I see the older couple and I want to scream out my jealousy. They sit there quietly talking and eating while I sit alone with a memory. That should be us - Tom and I. But it isn't. Would it be crazy to yell it out at them? Maybe - but I would feel better I think for having done it.
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