Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Missing Tom tonight. Tired of feeling alone. 

Let your heart bleed
Red tears that flow over the day
Let your pain be a river
That washes fear away.

Another Day

Today I have decided that things have got to change. Since Tom got sick in August I have gained 30 pounds. This is nuts. I am still alive and if I am going to stay that way - changes must be made. I can't sit around and wait for life to happen. It is time to go find some of it. Walk the dogs more? Ride my bike? (NO) Eat less. Drink less. I think I may be crazy but it needs to be a healthier crazy. Over all, I don't much care if I live or die, but if I am going to live - it's time to do it right.

Today - going shopping with my mom, medication check appointment, going to walk Lizzy this afternoon, and pack 4 boxes. I might even throw in cleaning a bathroom, and working on the baby blanket I am making for soon to be great niece. We shall see.

Monday, November 29, 2010

10 am

This has got to be the hardest thing any woman ever goes through. Some days I feel like Tom is in the other room and everything is OK then...I remember and everything begins to suck. Other days - I remember he is gone from the first moment I wake up in the morning but the day goes alright anyway. However the emptiness in me never leaves. It just sits there craving something to fill it in. I don't know what to do. Will I ever forget about him? Sometimes I hope so. It might lessen the pain.

Just for a moment
I close my eyes
pretending what can never be.
Just for a moment
You are there
Filling the void with your presense
Just for a moment
There is no pain
I am cushioned in your quiet embrace.

1 am

Almost 1am. Life sucks. Awake and in pain. God help me - I can't do this.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bomb Cake

Cake was a bomb. Threw it away. Have to start again. New ideas for Rocky Road.

I am really struggling in the evenings. Although I do well during the day, evening destroy me. I eat everything in sight. Weight has come back that I worked hard to lose and I hate it. Of course, what's new? I hate just about everything these days. I hate being alone. I hate missing Tom, I hate getting up in the morning. I hate going to bed at night. I hate having to move. I hate living here. I hate Wachovia/Wells Fargo. I hate me.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Cake day

Is it the day that is dreary - or is it just me? Everything seems dark and overcast - my day, my heart, my life. So...today I will bake a cake for friends. Something along the line of Rocky Road. Not totally sure yet. In fact, I am going to call and see if she would like to have some coffee and visit for awhile. Too easy to lock myself up in this house and stew.

Took Lizzy for a walk. She is getting better on the leash. The recycle truck scared her. She wanted off the sidewalk and away from that sound. The driver just smiled and waved. Nice guy.

Friday, November 26, 2010


It seems so long ago that we sat in this room, watching the fish swimming, a good movie on the tube, and the dogs wrestling. It seems so long - was it only two months ago? I still talk to you. It seems strange that you aren't answering my questions or commenting on my Jane Austen movies. The girls don't look for you anymore. They find my lap or settle on the couch. Am I the only one waiting for you to come home?

I know you aren't coming. You are home. You walk the streets of heaven with our Lord. You have no pain, no fear, no trouble. Knowing this leaves me with mixed emotions. I miss you but would not call you back to the pain you lived with. Now, only I am in pain.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Sometimes it is hard to be thankful when life seems to be kicking you when you are down. But I am thankful. Thankful for family and friends who truly care about me. Thankful for crazy dogs who fight over who gets to sit in my lap.(They both fit) Thankful for cold days that allow me to build a fire. Thankful for a daughter-in-love who likes to go to breakfast with a sad old woman. Thankful for a psychologist who doesn't seem to think I am totally nuts. Thankful for a son who really cares if I am happy. Thankful for a God who loves me despite knowing everything about me. Thankful to have someone to bake cakes for.

The list goes on. I may not seem thankful sometimes. But I truly am. Life is so hard right now that sometimes I forget. I am thankful to Sarah who posted this on Facebook. It was a glorious reminder.                    

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your blessings - name them one by one - count your many blessings, see what God has done."

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Salmon spend time each year of their lives swimming upstream. Fighting the surging forces that would send them crashing back down to the ocean they have lived and survived in throughout the year. They fight to get to that peaceful place where they can spawn, creating new life and then return to their ocean abode. They fight the raging waters that would smash them against the rocks and those intent on feasting on their flesh.

Some days I feel that I am that salmon fighting again raging rivers of pain to find that peaceful place where life will begin again. If the fight does not destroy me, if I am not caught by those seeking to devour me, I will find that place and life will begin anew.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Saw Your Smile Again

I saw your smile again.
The impish one - the joyful one.
I saw  your smile again
And felt blessed and even more lonely.
Your life fulfilled mine.
Your strength covered my weakness.
Your weakness allowed me to be strong.
I saw your smile again
As I wept for all I have lost.
You will smile in my heart forever
Just as I weep with each new day.
I saw your smile again.

7 am

Got a little sleep but have been up again for over an hour. I will try to get some work done before errands and appointments.

God bless my daughter-in-law. There is no way I would have gotten anything done yesterday without her. She is my motivator. Today - I will try to get some done on my own although - I am not very good at it. I see stuff I need to pack and memories begin. Some sad, some happy. It is so easy to get lost in them and forget what I am doing.

It seems a bit strange to pack things I want to keep when I am still living here, but it needs to be done and it isn't stuff I am using. Better to get it done now than wait until the last minute and have to rush. It is also a good time for sorting out things I don't want or need.

2 am

Waking in darkness
Listening  to the night
Sleep lost for another day.
You fill me
Your essense surrounds me
Yet - I am alone.
I choose the solitary
Over your presense
Lost in my pain.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hidden Joy

So tired this afternoon. Sorting and packing some things wore me out. Not physically - mentally, emotionally. God help me - I can't do this alone. Amanda helped but getting used to being alone is more than I can handle right now.

Sorrow - like waves on the ocean - roll gently through me,  over me. Hopelessness fills my every waking moment. Joy is hidden by walls of grief and pain. Fall, falling - down to the depths of death. My freedom.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


I miss you Tommy.


It was hard today. Seeing Christmas trees was fun but part of the conversation was difficult. Does anyone really understand what it is to be alone all the time? Invited, uninvited, others invited, left alone. Then discuss it in front of me? Painful. They don't even realize they hurt me.

This is more than I bargained for. I want out. Isn't there someway to live without feeling this pain? This lonliness? If not - it is time for me to find another way.

Friday, November 19, 2010


I have been seeing a therapist in recent weeks and I have learned to respect and trust him a great deal. This kind of trust does not happen with me often or easily. It frightens me. I want to share things with him that I would never have thought about sharing with anyone. It won't happen. I will be very careful.

Although I write here, I have been writing a type of journal as well. There are always things you don't want others to read. Letters have been written to Tom, Dean, Fritz, and no one. It is freeing to write what is happening inside of me. It doesn't get rid of the pain, but sometimes it helps me to understand it better.

my place to share

Saw some houses today. I like two of them but want to see more before making a final decision. None are quite what I want but two would work.

Went to GriefShare dinner. It was good. The speaker spoke from the heart and the Word of God. Very good.

I have quit writing too much on Facebook. I don't want the perpetual negative on my profile. Nobody needs to see that. I don't want to hide how things are but it just doesn't seem fair.

This is my place to post more of the truth. This isn't private but not too many people see it. This is more for me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Quiet tonight.
Didn't get to look at houses - problem on realtors end. Didn't pack anything either. Crawled into bed for the afternoon and hid.  Can't think. Good night!

Grieving, sorting, packing.

Grief is a hard, confusing thing. Some days it seems to not be there. I feel alive and free. Other days - life drags by and I want nothing to with continuing on. Today is a mix so far. Enjoyed breakfast with my daughter and spending time with her straightening my counters. But there is a heaviness in me that just won't lift. Sometimes it feels like someone has covered me with ten ton weight and I am being forced to the ground under it. My chest hurts, my legs hurt, my arms hurt. I am so tired.

Today is my day to start packing some of the knick knacks and memorabilia that I am going to keep. Sorting through will not be easy. So many memories.  I am also supposed to go look for a house later. I still haven't found one that I can afford to buy that will suit my needs. Part of me wishes I could just stay here. I hate mortgage companies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

a prayer

Father -
Could it be
That all that has happened
Will be good for me?
Will my heart
Will it heal?
Will it see your love revealed?
Be my strength
Lead me through
Until your light is renewed.

Grief Share

Went to a grief sharing group tonight. Recommended by the best therapist I have ever had. He was right. I think it will be good for me in the end.

Spoke a little. Realized in watching the video and listening to the others, that many of the feelings I am experiencing are similar to others. I am  not sure I agree with everything I heard but it was good. They say there is hope and I don't see it. I see only pain day after day. They say our lives don't end when a loved one dies - I disagree. My life went on when grandpa died. My life went on when grandma died. My life on when my daughter died. My life continued even when my mother-in-law died.  This is different. This death took half of me away. I am only half a person living half a life. This is not me.

Why couldn't God take me with Tom? Why leave me here to sort this all out without him? Doesn't he know that Tom was the cornerstone of my life? A building that loses its cornerstone will soon crumble and fall. I am falling - into a pit without a bottom.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

help + help + help = need more help

Couldn't deal with everything alone - so I got antidepressants. They didn't help enough - started seeing a psychologist. Great guy - great help. Not enough - going to psychiatrist to adjust/change medications. 

This is all more than I can deal with. Sometimes - too often - I feel like I want it to be over. That isn't possible at this point in time. God frowns on suicide and my kid would be hurt beyond belief. I love him too much to be stupid. But the pain is worse almost everyday. I think it is truly a lie to say that it gets better. Yes Lori, I know - eventually. I may not survive to eventually.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Didn't Know

I didn't know.
When life was good and I felt strong...
I didn't know.
When pain cut like a knife into my heart...
I didn't know.
When joy overflowed and happiness reigned
I didn't know.

I didn't know that pain like this existed.
I didn't know that pain could destroy all joy.
I didn't know that strength was not enough.
I didn't know what it felt like to die over and over and over.
I didn't know and wish I still didn't.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Sunday morning - stayed in bed. It is now almost noon. I am up, dressed (sort of), have a cup of coffee, and am already crying. I am so lonely. This is not supposed to be this way. Tom should be here driving me crazy and wanting to go out and eat. The kids should be calling and inviting mom to join them. Being alone sucks.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


People say 'it will get better'. I don't see it. It is getting worse. The pain, the emotional outbursts, the fragility.  This is not better. This is the pits. If this is 'better'  what the hell is coming next? Don't smile at me and tell me it will be ok. It will NEVER be ok. It will NEVER get better. This is what it is and I HATE it! Keep this life - I don't want it.

Friday, November 12, 2010


I was actually screaming today. Driving the car, crying, and screaming. Dangerous but a fact of life. There are days when I know I can't take anymore and more comes along. don't want to do this anymore. It is time for it to be over.

Too fragile to keep going. Too tired to try.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A New Day

Slept on 'my' bed last night. I woke up several times but it was still good. It is more comfortable to sleep on a bed that was never 'his' or 'ours'. Bought new sheets, pillows, and cover. Now I just need to get a blanket, iron the bed skirt, and put it all together properly.

It seems sometimes that I can handle the day when I am looking at it from this position. It is early. It is quiet. Surely this is the day that I bring myself all together so that I can get on with life. Then...the day really starts. I open my eyes, make coffee, the phone rings - and I lose it again. I forget what I'm doing and start something else. Then I remember what I was doing originally, leave the second thing I started and go back to the first. There are days I have half a dozen things going at the same time and none of them get done. I think about going back to work and cringe. I don't want to be around children. There problems need someone who can  focus on them and give them the attention they deserve. This is not the time yet. Will it ever come? I don't know. Doctor says this is not the time. I will trust him to help me get there.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Thought about Fritz, Al, and Z

Having felt and having known
the comfort and the strength
that somes from loving arms
wrapped in strong embrace.
And having heard the soothing sound
of anothers rhythmic heartbeat
as only can be heard
from your head resting against their chest.
Having shared this quiet strength,
this comfort  of a friend
A time and place for tears to flow
For hope to begin again.
It is hard to sit alone
To cry in empty space
Not to have loving hands
Wiping tears from your face.
Not all friends are lovers
It is not a lovers place
To be the loving friend
And share that strong embrace.
I miss my gentle friends
Who were not afraid of me.
Those who shared thier open arms
Their strength, their hope, their peace.

Another new beginning.

Bought a new bed yesterday. Couldn't sleep on the old one any longer. It was 'our' bed. It was his bed. For some reason I could not make it my bed. They delivered mine this morning. Why does it make me happy/sad? It is a good bed. I will enjoy it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Do you remember?
Do you remember that day we sat, talking for hours
In that small drive-in?
Do you remember?
We talked about what our children would look like.
Cute blendings of joy.
Do you remember?
We promised to be together to the end.
You lied.

What is normal?

Today was a day. Good day? Bad day? A day. There is no normal, ordinary day any more. I cry without warning and don't want to be who I am. I can't work and feel guilty for not working. I wish I had died and TOm had lived. He would know what to do.

I need to find a different house but I don't want what I can afford. They are nasty, small houses. I want to move around, invite family over, and feel comfortable where I am. Why did he leave me in this position? Why am I alone? Why am I still here?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Moving ahead?

Taking care of business is part of moving ahead. But how do you take care of business when others don't do their part correctly? Paramedics report - wrong. ER physician report - WAY wrong. Yes they can be fixed but why should they have to be? Why couldn't they be done correctly the first time? I need to turn these reports in for life insurance purposes. But not incorrect reports.

I don't want to move ahead any more today. I am planting myself right here.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Today has been a fragile day. Before the nonsense at church - I was fragile. Everything is painful and incredibly undoable.It seems that tears never cease and joy is lost. Even my new fish missing. What a sad day. Tired of being asked when I plan on going back to work. I never want to go back. I never want to deal with other people's problems and pain. There is so much of my own. I will go back. But when? When will I get through a day without this level of lostness? When will a day pass without tears and horrific pain? Then - I will consider it.
Went to my church and decided I can't handle the base speakers any longer. Left there and went to my kids church. Loved it. Sunday school was also great. Think I will attend Wednesday service and see how it goes. I love the people in my church but when the base is turned up - I get sick. It is also hard to sit there Sunday after Sunday alone. Too much of Tom there.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Lost and Found

Went to the fish store and saw a fish I wanted for my tank. I started to get it but it disappeared. We searched everywhere in their tank for it. Finally gave up figuring it had jumped ship and was gone into their filtration system or out the back of the tank. Got a call an hour later - come get your fish. It had burrowed in the sand and not come out until things calmed down. 
Joy is like that sometimes I think. Hidden just out of sight but still there...waiting for a calm moment before it can come out. There have been few moments of such joy recently. Maybe I need to work on the calm so that I can find the joy.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A Moment of Illumination

I got a check today for 'the estate of Thomas George Weyant'. It was part of the survivor benefits. It dawned on me that Joe and Amanda were survivors too. We have all been left behind to deal with life without Tom. They are so good to me, helping me with anything that has come up. It is my turn to share with them.

A thought about God

It is early but I have hopes of this being a good day. I haven't cried yet. Read in the Word this morning about how God uses correction to bring us back to Him. Recent years have seen me slacking off of reading the Word and praying. Now I am depending  upon it to keep me sane and get me through each day. I don't think that God took Tom to make me see where I have been in error - but I do believe that He is using it to help me. I have tried to be so strong in myself but it hasn't worked. I need my Father. He is so good to me.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

River of Pain

Over rocks and trees it flows
The river to the sea.

Through the chasms deep if flows
Recklessly into the sea.

Oh this tumultuous flood does flow
Deep inside of me.

And on it rides in quiet peace
My Savior and My Lord
Now I hear Him calling me
Come out and come aboard.

A way to heal

They say that time heals all wounds. I am not too sure that is possible for this wound. My beloved - My best friend - My husband Tom died on October 2, 2010 at the age of 60. His great love for me has kept me going for years. Now - he is gone. I sit in the evening watching the fish swim --the dogs play and sleep -- and wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't hurt. Knowing that he is in the presence of an Almighty God - enjoying eternity - gives me some peace and comfort. But I miss him.

Maybe if I can write what is happening in me - I will be able to work through the pain and find a new normal for my life. We shall see.