Monday, December 31, 2012

December 31

What a wonderful season this has been. I have found peace in the love of this season. My family and friends have shown me great love. God has shared his love and peace with me. My future is ahead and I see it as bright and hopeful.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

December 12

I am honored to have the family I do. Already, they have agreed to come to the cemetery on Saturday to place a Christmas wreath on Tom's grave. Not being able to be in crowds alone is difficult. What a wonderful family I have.

Tommy, they loved you. I think we all miss you. Especially me.

December 12

Saturday I will place a Christmas wreath on Tom's grave. I can't go alone so I have invited my siblings and my children. Crowds and I don't get along too well when I am alone. With my family by my side - I will honor my husband with a Christmas Wreath. I love him so. This will be stepping outside of my comfort zone. But, it will be OK.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

December 9

Do you know what it is like to wake up in the morning and think of nothing? Or, like me, are your thoughts crowded by people you love and care about? What about children,spouses,friends? The weather? What you are going to wear? Housework undone? Pets to be fed and groomed. The lawn - what about the lawn. Are there weeds to pull? Gardens to water?

There are so many things in life that crowd in when I wake up in the morning. My life is full and mostly enjoyable. There is hardly a second that has no thought in it. But, today - Tom was not one of them. I did not think about him until later. I was up, working, dressed, had my coffee, working on a friend's curtain when it hit me - I hadn't thought of Tom yet. This may be a good thing.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

December 1

A new month. December. This is not an easy month for me. Life keeps going and my struggles are lost in season. No tears - no sadness. This is a season on joy and it is what I want my kids and my granddaughter to know from me. Joy in the presence of God. No, Tom is not here and I weep with the thought of it. I miss him each holiday, each night when I go to bed, and each morning when I awaken. He is never missing in my heart. But there must be joy again for those around me and for me. How can I go on grieving though holidays that make others happy and used to fill me with joy. It is time to let go a little more. I love my family. I want to be a part of that again.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

November 25

Dear God,

So many of my neighbors are going to lose their homes to the freeway. It is a necessary development but I struggle with the loss of this wonderful neighborhood. Although they will not take my house - they will take the houses of 310 families. They will destroy the homes of senior adults at the church's senior residences. They will destroy a school that has held You up to be worshiped and glorified. Dear God - help them all.

What can I do - to be of service in this time? What words can I say? Help me to remember to pray for them all. To pray for peace and guidance for all involved.

Thank you Father for the joy you have given me in this time. For a day spent in fellowship with my family. A day of giving thanks. It is the first holiday since Tom went home that I have stayed though it all. I prayed for joy and strength - and you heard my cry. You filled me with joy in your presence and strength for the day. Today, I come in thanksgiving for Your providence. For Your Joy. For Your hope. I thank YOU for all of it.

I love you Lord. Help me to love more and be faithful to You - always.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

November 21

Today is Thanksgiving Eve. Not notable in itself I guess. But for me - it is a series of days and thoughts that come together - in memories.

Ten years ago tonight - Tom had a massive migraine that caused stroke-like symptoms. He was 'bone cold'. I rushed him to the ER, they rushed him back, and then upstairs. He was medicated and treated for a stroke. It is almost funny - even now - that after that - he always wanted to turn left. We laughed about that often.

Thanksgiving Eve - after that - we always gave thanks that he had lived and laughed again. We understood that we had come close to losing what we had. We loved each other and could not imagine life alone. We gave thanks for our son, Joe, and all that he meant in our lives. He was our joy and the apple of his daddy's eye. In recent years, we added Amanda to that Thanksgiving list. She is the best woman for our son. Amanda immediately took to Tom and made his last years more pleasant. She helped care for his Mom and the love was mutual.

Thanksgiving Eve - tonight- I try again to give thanks for what Tom and I had and for what I still have. It is not so easy any more. I still have Joe and I am thankful for him. Amanda is ever by his side - I am thankful for her still. Today - we have Zoe- the granddaughter that Tom always prayed for.

However, Tom is no longer here. He has gone home to Jesus and is happier that he ever could have been on this earth. I try to be thankful for that. But it is hard. I must learn to be thankful in all things - at all times.

Thank you Jesus for loving me. Thank you for helping me to get through the difficult things of life. Thank you for walking beside me when I feel alone. I love you. I thank you for loving me.

I am filled with thanks.

Monday, November 19, 2012

November 19

Again I am here. What to say? I miss Tom. What else is there?

Again and again I feel OK and all is well.
Then comes along a nagging hell.
Not complete - I cannot be.
Unless my Tom is here with me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

November 7

A month has passed since I last posted. Maybe it's time to quit and move on. Maybe not. Sometimes I get tired of feeling, thinking, writing, posting. All of the time - I am tired and not sure why. But there are things I do know.

1. I am alive.
2. I am happy to wake up each morning at least 90% of the time.
3. God is faithful even when I am not.
4. Zoe is the most beautiful granddaughter in the world.
5. Amanda is an amazing daughter-in-love.
6. Joseph loves being a daddy and is very good at it.
7. The people I work with are the best.
8. My students bring me joy 90% of the time.(Sometimes they plain driving me crazy.
9. I love to create quilts.
10. I am not so good at sewing them.
11. My quilts/blankets are a work of the heart.
12. My great niece and nephew - Damian and Addison are dear to my heart.
13. My house is great.
14. My friends make me smile.
15. My sisters make me smile - all of them. Sue, Mary, Sally, Alberta, Sandy, Jacquie.
16. My brothers are pretty cool. Both of them - Tom and Bob
17. Losing my brother Clinton has put a dent in my heart.
18. I have way too many clothes.
19. I love teaching.
20. I am getting older and liking it.
21. I miss Tommy.
22. I miss Mama. Tom's mother.
23. I miss Daddy.
24. I miss Grandpa and Grandma Gray - still.
25. There will come a day when Christ will return and I will get to go home with those I miss. That will be a day of rejoicing for many.

More to follow.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

October 7

October - amazing that so much time has passed. I passed Tom's birthday and the anniversary of his death. It was intentional. I was clothed in memories and unable to focus my heart for writing.

This was a hard time two years ago and it is a hard time now. Learning to live without Tom and without the income I was used to. It really was a double whammy. IT would be easier to live without the money if Tom were here. But he isn't. And - neither is the money.

Tom would not be happy with me right now. My budget is in a shambles, my house matches it, and I am not living for Christ as I should be. I don't like the idea that Tom would not be pleased with me. It is time to straighten things out and live according to God's Word. It is time to worship Him and not money.

It is time.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

September 23

There are days when certain things come into greater focus and I see with a clarity that is not always available. Today is one of those days.

I have been sad for several days. Tom is never far from my thoughts and the loneliness wears at my soul. But God has a way to force my eyes to see what I have forgotten. I am redeemed. I do not have to live by the codes of this earth. Nor do I have to feel guilty because my heart is not in a day. God loves me just as I am and he loved me just as I was the day He saved me.

Tom is happy now. He is not in pain. He does not grieve. There is no sorrow in his heart. I shall see him again but, until then, it is OK for me to miss him. Guilt has plagued and divided me.

I am redeemed. I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb. There is therefore no condemnation - no fear - no guilt. It is OK to live another day. It is OK to grieve my loss. It is OK!

God is bigger than my pain. He is bigger than my sorrow. I am known from the inside out. What I don't understand of me - God does. Maybe someday - He will share it with me. Until then - I am confused, grieving, sorrowing, and OK in the sight of my God.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

September 22

Crying again.

Learning to live on my income is worse than I thought. I have money going into my retirement that I may have to pull out. Broke and there is still another week until payday. It is time for me to learn how to and not to spend money. Sometimes I forget and buy things I shouldn't.

It will take time.

Two years I have walked alone..
Not alone
but alone
Tom is not here
And sometimes I don't let God be here either.
He stays though.
God knows I need Him.
It just feels alone.
Weariness overwhelms me
Weeping sends floods of tears through my soul
I drown in what I do not weep
And yet I weep rivers and flood my life with them.
Drowning - yes - I am drowning.
Again in grief
Again in loneliness

I wrote this a few months ago - how true it remains.

Here I am again
Kneeling at Your feet.
Washing with my tears
Drying with my hair

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving You I come

Walking in Your way
Hearing words of hope
Seeking all You say
Loving you - I come

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in Your Presence
Loving you I come

Praying in the night
Singing of Your love
Crying out my pain
Crying out again

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving you I come

Thursday, September 20, 2012

September 20

It isn't easy to separate my life and my work. September has had some very difficult days. I have to focus on the students during the day but, over and over, Tom invades my thoughts and fills my heart.

I was to scream when the kids need more than I have to give. Of course, I give it to them but sometimes I can't focus. My heart and mind are on other things, people, and places. My memories return that haven't surfaced in so long. Tom laying beside me in bed, quiet moments watching a movie or a night sky, laughter at pure silliness. Could I be grieving? I know not.

It isn't easy being a widow and trying to live among those who aren't. When will they expect me to be sane and rational? When will the tears have to cease? Will they walk away when I mention him? How can I not mention the other half of myself?

Oh Tommy - it just isn't the same without you. Most of the time - I am OK. But lately it has gotten more and more difficult. It's like I'm going back in time and Tom is here - he is sitting in the living room. He is listening to a rehash of my school day and giving me words of wisdom to live by. He is tired - but doing well. We are talking future - He will live. Alaska, Singapore, Australia - all places we discuss and plan for. Alaska next summer - Singapore in a year or two. All memories - all gone.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

September 9

Today I went to church. In fact, I went to my old church- a church where I feel at home. After Tom died - I left there. The pain was too much and I was angry. Angrier than I knew. Today, I was at peace. At least, with that church. I missed them. I missed the camaraderie, the smiles, the laughter. But mostly, I missed the Gospel being preached without apology, without showmanship, and without fear. The truth is the truth - and there is not other way to put that.

I miss Tom. He was a definite presence in my life. It was he that welcomed me when I came home from work and he who refocused me when I strayed off the path of sanity. These are things I need and miss. But - I do not grieve for him.

Tom is happy now and I can not grieve that. He is worshiping God forever. He walks with our daughter, his parents, my father, and others. I grieve not for him - but for me.

I miss him. But - I am happy. It is time to be happy more than I am not. It is time to worship my God and rejoice in His presence each day. There is more missing from my life than Tom. I have been missing a relationship with my God, my Savior, my Jesus.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

September 8

Tommy is home - or he was two years ago. He was doing so well. There was no clue of what was coming in just a few, short weeks. He was handsome and gentle. It was good to come home and find him there. Our son and daughter-in-love came and helped him when I couldn't. Amanda was such a dream. She still is. She helped Tom with meds and kept him company sometimes.

Tom and I were talking about going to Alaska that following summer. We wanted to take a cruise. He had spent over 20 years in the Navy and he still wanted to take a cruise so that I could be with him. What a wonderful man he was.

Monday, September 3, 2012

September 3

It has been a long day already. Although I am tired, there is much to do. The house has not been put together since I moved in over a year ago. The laundry is in various stages of done and I am not ready for a week of teaching. Day by day I count down to the anniversary of Tom's death. Can't help it.

Two years ago - Tom was in rehab. He was doing well although he had suffered a massive migraine that left him confused for a while. He was in good spirits and planning on getting out in a week or so.

Two years ago - I had a husband who loved me and wanted my happiness. Two years ago - I was so stressed out that I didn't know if I was coming or going. School was good but I was new on campus and I was struggling to get things together while visiting Tom each day. Were it not for an administration that was compassionate and caring - I would not have made it. Teachers were encouraging and supportive.

Two years ago - I had not idea of a future without Tom. Two years... such a long time and a short time. Two years - how much can change in two years.

Friday, August 31, 2012

August 31

The last day of the month. The count down begins. Tom died one month from tomorrow at 11:25 pm. I was laying by his side on the bed. He stopped breathing and I knew. I knew. Life ended one month from tomorrow two years ago.

Two years ago - Tom was in the hospital. He had a blood clot but was now in rehab. He was doing so well. We thought he might die - but he wasn't. He was going to live. He was so happy to know that he would be going home in a week. One week. He was stronger, walking with his walker again. Laughing. Living.

Two years ago - I was a happy woman. There was stress to look forward to but a husband in my home and in my bed. Tommy - my love and my best friend.

Two years ago - life was difficult - but it was good.

Two years ago.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

August 29

So quiet tonight. The tv is on, the phone has rung several times, but it is quiet. Quiet in my soul, my mind, my heart. Quiet and lonely.

No one can possibly understand the quiet loneliness that follows day upon day - night upon night. I don't say anything most of the time. It has been 2 years, who would understand but someone who has been there - done that. Loneliness like nothing I had ever known or understood. So empty.

Is life all bad? No. Some of it is truly wonderful. Teaching is a delight. The people I work with are awesome. They laugh and cry and play and make teaching fun. Truly enjoyable.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

August 28

I did it. Speaking my mind (or writing it) can be a true release of emotional energy. However, it doesn't go over well. I simply can't be still any longer. I will speak my mind and heart - if people don't like it - they don't have to listen (or read). I will be me.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 23

What's it all about Alfie?

Old song - same thoughts. What is it all about?

I am tired of trying to pretend that I love people. I don't. I love my siblings, my mother, my friends. But can't stand them at the same time. What's it all about - Becky?

My brother Clint is a prime example of a love/hate relationship. I loved him. He was my eldest brother. But I hated him - I was afraid of him. He was not always a nice person. He ruined my life. What was there to like? But - he was my brother. I loved him. In recent years - I almost like him sometimes - but there was always the memories in the back of my mind to keep me at arms length.

My sisters. The perfect ones. Those who make no mistakes and are always correct and I am always wrong. No matter what I think, or say, or do -- I will always be at fault or do something wrong - or say something wrong - or... there is no way around it. I truly love them. They aren't really perfect and they don't think they are - most of the time. But God help me - if I say something they don't like - or believe something they don't - or write something they don't agree with - I am the one with the problem.

My friends - God bless them. They let me be me - most of the time. They are much more forgiving and understanding than my family sometimes. But they aren't family. They are friends.

What's it all about - Becky?

I don't know what it's all about. Not really. However, I am tired. Tired of trying to keep peace, to be nice, to be polite, to be helpful, to be courteous, and to be something I am not. God help us all - I may not try any longer.

Monday, August 20, 2012

August 20

It has been a long 2 years. Two years ago, the first day of school, I got a call from the hospital. Tom was being moved to CCU because he wasn't stable. What a shock. A sub was called and I left. My first day of school, a new school, new staff, new students - and I left.

Tom survived - there was a blood clot - a new study - we learned what was wrong. I was back at school a few days later- but it never truly got better. He was cheerful, smiling when I would come. I loved him so much.

It isn't easy living alone - but I am doing it. He isn't here but he is in my heart. I am so tired of no one to talk to - no one to love - no one to share with. Missing him so much.

God, I am alone.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

August 18

So long my brother.
You have deceived a world of people.
They believe you were a good man.
But we know - don't we?
We know what you really were.
Long ago.
Too little - too late.
Tell my sister - "I hurt people - tell them I'm sorry."
Tell me.
Don't send your message when you are safe beyond immediate reach.
Tell me.
You had the chance -
But you were silent.
You're sorry?
For what?
Did you say?
You were silent.
Let them believe you were a good man.
We know.
Don't we?

I love you. But I will never like you. You are/were a coward.
A coward.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

August 15

It was a long day.

My classroom is almost ready and I will have my lessons prepared by Monday. It is truly exciting to be going back for another school year. Although I enjoy summers, too much time on my hands makes me depressed. I am not focused enough to clean the house and organize clutter. No - I belong in the classroom.

Two years ago, Tom and I went to Chuys after such a day. He was having trouble with his leg. I said, "Let me see". He picked up his leg and put in on the bench beside me. It was huge. This was the beginning of the struggle with his last blood clot. We went to the ER and they admitted him. The doctor was an asshole. So rude and condescending. Tom almost got up to pound on him. He kept calling me 'sweetie'. I hate that term. I am an educated woman and don't need to be spoken down to by someone who struggles with speaking English. Tom - protective to the end.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

August 13/14

Long day today. There was much to do in the classroom to get ready for school and much to do afterwards.

It has been a long journey since this time two years ago. I was trying to get ready for school while going to see Tom in the hospital. He had a blood clot in his leg and was having a very hard time. It all got done.

Tom was always supportive of my teaching career. He knew before I did that I would do well and enjoy it. He had faith in me. During this time of transition to a new school he was more so. For several years he tried to get me to leave my previous campus. Nothing had been right there since the beginning. When I finally made that decision and left - he was so happy for me. Tom knew everything would work out well.

Even from his hospital bed - he cheered me on. He would ask what I was doing and what I thought of my fellow teachers as I met them. He wanted all the facts. It was a difficult time - but a good one. We were still actively involved in each other's days and happy. I never could have imagined what was coming.

Monday, August 13, 2012

August 12

Can't sleep tonight.

Can you hear me Tom?
Can you see what I have become?
Have you whispered in my ear and I missed it?
Did you talk to God about me today?
Can you hear me Tom?
I miss you.
Missing the warmth of your body as it lays next to mine at night.
Missing the soft touch that could thrill me.
Missing your gentleness that got me through the tough days.
Missing you.

Can you hear Tom?
Did you know that Clint died?
Did you know how little and how much it hurt?
Talk to God for me,
Tell Him I need hope.
I need prayer.
I need you.
Can you hear me Tom?
Needing you so desperately.
Needing you to be by my side - urging me forward.
Needing you to listen to my heart cry.
Needing you.

I love you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

August 6

Happy Birthday Amanda - my beloved daughter-in-love.

I wonder sometimes if she understands how special she is and what an answer to prayer she has been.

Tom and I prayed for Joe's wife from the time he was a young child. We prayed for a Godly woman who would complement Joe and fulfill his dreams. God heard and answered us. Amanda is exactly what Joe needs and their love is real and growing.

Happy Birthday Amanda.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

August 5

Another day.

As I sit reading the paper and drinking my morning coffee, my Lizzy Dog lays beside me looking at me periodically with those big Boston Terrier eyes. She loves me and needs me as I need her. We are good together. Reading the paper doesn't always take two hands - one drops to my side and rubs her belly or scratches behind her ear. We are content.

I have so much that flies around my mind that sometimes I forget to just sit and relax. To calm myself and allow all of the clutter to fly right out of me and enjoy the moment. Lizzy Dog is good for that.

Right now - I am going to drink another cup of coffee and reflect on the days ahead - leaving the past behind me.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

August 4

The days have been so difficult lately. It seems that for every step forward traveled I am thrown back three or four. Feeling lost is almost the norm now.

What am I grieving? Mom, Tom, Clint? My childhood, my dreams, my hopes. All are gone. There is nothing for me here right now. There will be again - I am sure. But when I do not know.

Tears fall so often, my head hurts and my eyes swell. Tonight - is calm but the storm blew through earlier. Grief upon grief - loss upon loss.

Saturday, July 28, 2012


It has been too long since I have written or visited this blog. My focus has been missing. Too much happening in life. Too much to think about and too few brain cells to do it right.Tonight I am back. Tonight I start again - blogging and living.

My brother, Clinton, departed this life July 7th at approximately 7:30 in the morning. He was content. Not afraid of death or of his future. People say he was "ready". I must believe that or lose my sanity. Did he know where he was going when he died? Did he know Jesus? Only he and God know. It is not for me to judge. Judgement belongs to God.

What will the judgement bring to us all? My life has been filled with sin and deceit. Not enough with the love that Jesus shared and commanded us to share with others. My life does not warrant heaven with Jesus. My life deserves hell. When I die and face the judgment that will follow - the Lord, my God should decree an eternity in hell. That is what life deserves. What my life deserves. But when God, our Father, the Creator of all things looks at me - He will see His own son, Jesus. Like a coffee cup with the dregs sitting in the bottom - the sins of my life - God will look - but the purity of Christ's sacrifice will cover that sin - like a piece of white paper placed over the coffee cup hides the dregs at the bottom.

Jesus died for my sins and I have never truly appreciated that. Never has his sacrifice dwelt deeply in my mind and heart. Tom died without fear. He knew who he was and who was waiting for him. Tom knew and served the Lord Jesus with all his heart and soul. I have not.

Life has been a daily struggle between faith and death. Still I struggle but faith will win. God's love will win. I will win.

How to reach those who do not see? Who do not know? Who follow a false god? I do not know. Jesus will have to help prepare me to do that. There is nothing I can say. Nothing I can do to change anything a person believes. But Christ speaking through me can do that.

God - help me to prepare.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

June 26

It isn't every day that I feel good. Today - I do. Work was good, dinner with friends, and now quiet at home with Lizzy Dog. Today I feel almost free from the constant pain that has made life so difficult. I feel good.

Friday, June 8, 2012

I am alone.

Have I posted this before? I don't remember.

Each morning I wake up alone.
There is nobody here but me.
When I come home from work - I am alone.
There is nobody to talk to
To eat dinner with
To fight with
To love

I am alone.
This is not how I planned life to be
How could I?
Tom was to be with me.
But - I am alone.

God is here.
Is he tired of my crying?
Tired of my whining of loneliness?
Does He truly want to hear of my pain?

I am alone.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I am here.
Tired - but here.
So tired of life and living,
Trapped in fragile shell
Heart beating
Lungs breathing

I am here.
Tired - but here.
Although I am tired
I am not sad to be here.
Only tired of so being.

Gladness return
Fill me again
Chase away the tired
The sorrow, the pain.
Leave me not alone.

I am here.
Tired - but here.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Loving you I come - Again

Here I am again
Kneeling at Your feet.
Washing with my tears
Drying with my hair

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving You I come

Walking in Your way
Hearing words of hope
Seeking all You say
Loving you - I come

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in Your Presence
Loving you I come

Praying in the night
Singing of Your love
Crying out my pain
Crying out again

Oh Lord I am here
Bowing in your presence
Loving you I come

37 Years

It has been a great struggle to live and breathe without always thinking about or talking about Tom. He was always such a apart of my life that it seems natural to mention him, to think about him, to love him. He has always been there.

I remember when we first met. I took a part time job at a Pic'N'Save store. (They are all Big Lots now) We couldn't stand the sight of each other. It was fun to poke at him and he at me. It didn't change until we were told that if the animosity didn't stop - one of us would be fired. Since I was temporary Christmas help and he was permanent - I knew who would go. So - I invited him to a meeting at my church. He really was a great guy. We found that we had so much in common. It was easier working together after that.

I was 18 then. He left me when I was 55. In fact, it was almost 37 years to the day that I met him. I started working in October of 1973 and Tom died in October of 2010. Through those years, I have loved him, hated him, been amazed by him, and surprised by the depth of his love. His love was so present. A look from him, a word, a touch - - and I knew all would be well.

I miss him.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Today is another day of thoughts, of feelings, of dreams.
It isn't a bad day - it is just a day.

Dear God,

Keep me thinking, feeling, and dreaming. Keep my heart glued to you. Let all of life fill me with joy and remind me of your love for me. I love you Lord. Help me to love you more.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Hello darkness my old friend
I've come to speak with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seed while I was sleeping
And the vision
That was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound
Of silence

A New Plant

It has been almost a month since I have written here. Although there has been much in life I could have written on, it has not been the right moment. Now it is.

It has been over 19 months since I lost Tom and 25 months since I lost mom. Unless God intervenes, it won't be long before I lose my eldest brother to colon cancer. With that said, it is not death I wish to write about. It is life. Beyond death, there has begun a new life that is just beginning to break surface and grow. This life, like the flowers of spring, began below ground - where eyes could not see. The roots, the very substance of the plant grows there. Life sustaining nutrients are drawn into the plant from those roots. Water - food - life.

As those roots grew - I grew stronger. Although I could not see what was happening, it was there - growing, pushing down into the soil all around me. Now, finally, a small shoot has broken ground. It is very small and very fragile. It needs protecting from the storms that come against it. Only in time, will I see what is growing - for now - I must accept that this small plant is my life - my future.

Oh God - bring life to me. Protect my life and my dreams. Keep me alive and filled with you over the years that come.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I have thought that writing would make the pain easier to bear. Make reality easier to handle. It does neither. Writing helps me to see where the pain is and express in a manner that is safe. Those that read it do so because they choose it. It is not forced on them by my raging emotions, shouting and forcing them to listen. This is safe for others. Maybe even safe for me.

Sunday, April 8, 2012


This was the day the Lord had made. I did not rejoice and I was not glad in it.

I cried
hated you for leaving me
The light in the kitchen broke
The mailbox has to be replaced
The doorknob from the kitchen the to garage broke -
I couldn't get my car.

You abandoned me.
You left me alone
And I hated you - today.

These are your jobs.
Things that you were good at.
Things I did not want to do.

I fixed the light as best I can.
The neighbor replace the doorknob.
The new mailbox is in the garage.

It will all get done
without you

I hate you sometimes
I hate that you left me
I hate that I live without you

I miss you

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Capacious Memories

I made it
Wasn't sure I could
But the mountains and trees reminded me
Of God's eternal presence

I am not alone
Though you are not here
Never have I been less alone
God has made His presence known

Though tears fell
They were not the tears of a shattered life
A broken dream
Or foolish regrets
They were the tears of capacious memories
One upon another they came
of laughter
happy moments together
treasured memories of a life shared in that place
and every place
we shared

Thank you for being a part of my life
for being my life
for filling my memories

I love you

Friday, March 30, 2012


Spring Break
Going to Angels Camp this weekend
2-3 days in our favorite condos
I won't be alone
But I won't be with you
There is a sadness that is overwhelming at times

Called for an appointment with the counselor
Our anniversary is almost here
He won't be in
I can get through this
Just hate doing without him

Our anniversary
We would have gone to Angels Camp or San Diego
We would have been married over 30 years
We would have together for 39
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Moods and Mama

It has been a moody up and down kind of weekend. Had trouble last week also. It has taken me completely by surprise that it has been two years since Mama died. My mother-in-law was one of the greatest women. She knew how to enjoy life regardless of what it threw at her. She survived polio twice. She lived the last years of her life in horrible pain. Her shoulder replacement hurt every time she moved it. She had a new knee, a bar in her wrist, and, at the end, had her right arm rebuilt by an awesome surgeon after a fall in my home destroyed it.

Mama laughed. She knew joy in each breath. Her favorite birthday was the Star Wars party (She was 88). I loved her. Through her I was able to smile even when going to work became unbearable torture. She was there when I got home. She and Tom made life special. She loved me and called me her daughter. I was. I am.

Mama died 2 years ago this past Friday. Friday the 23rd day of March 2012.

I remember you! Thank you for loving me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Meatloaf and Rings

Meat, veggies, egg, cheese - all in a bowl
I take off my ring and set it in a dish on the windowsill
Suddenly, I am back in time

Sitting in an interview with Tom
An interview for his license with the Assemblies of God.
He was so nervous
As was I

"Mrs. Weyant, I notice that you are not wearing a wedding ring and your husband is.
Is there a reason for that?"

I look at my hand and realize the ring isn't there.
"Yes", I respond. "I was preparing a meatloaf.
When I do that, I take the ring off and set it in a heart shaped dish in the windowsill.
I don't want it to get covered in meat and egg.
When I am done, I put it back on. We were in a hurry, I must have forgotten...."

Never forgotten...

Little reminders
Voices long past
Whispers of hope
Till I see you - at last.

life Going On

Life goes on
The rain comes and goes
The sun rises and sets
Day to night
Night to day
Heat and cold
Wet and dry
Life goes on.

Life goes on
I am not stationary
Life moves and I move
Night to day
Day to night
Moving on is part of life
just as death
is part of life
I move on
Life moves on

It seems strange

Sunday, March 18, 2012

More than anything or anyone

No matter how many times I say it
It doesn't change
I miss you

I miss you
More than anything
or anyone
I miss you.

I miss the talks
the smiles
the tears

I miss the laughter
the quiet moments
the feel of your touch

I miss you
More than anything
or anyone
I miss you.

I miss you
Mowing the lawn
Sweating in the sun

I miss you
Standing at the grill
Perfecting the meal

I miss you
More than anything
or anyone
I miss you

Thursday, March 15, 2012

How do I live without you

How do I live without you?
I don't.
You are in my thoughts
My memories
My dreams
My hopes.
Your photo graces my wall
Your ring - rests near my heart.
I do not live without you.
Your voice may not call out to me in the night.
You may not be sitting by my side.
But you are here.
I live.
You live.
Someday -
We will live together
In the presence of God.
Until then
Be happy

Monday, March 5, 2012

Your Ring

I took your ring off
It was wrong.
I felt naked and alone.

Today, your ring hangs on a chain
A gold chain
I bought it at the same store where we bought our wedding bands.
The gold shines
The gold of the ring
and of the chain
and the golden memories we shared.

Your ring
Hangs close to my heart
Reminding me of you
And of the love we shared.

I love you.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I took off your ring

I took off your ring today.
For 17 months it has been next to my wedding band
Two rings on my finger
Reminding me
I am yours

Today - it sits alone
And on my finger
Only one ring
It is lonely
As I am
For you.

Tommy -
I miss you.
But I wonder
Can I go on forever clinging to you?
Holding to a past that will never be again?
Sometimes - I think so.

But for today -
I will walk alone
Without the reminder
On my finger.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

These are the Moments

These are the moments
Late in the night
surrounded by darkness
These are the moments
when loneliness flares up like a raging fire
burning everything in its path

My voice sounds through the darkness
no - there is no one to hear me
but still I speak
How I miss the soft replies
the second voice

These moments
I feel my loss differently
It isn't your arms holding me
that haunt me with their absence
No - it is the absolute silence
There are no human sounds
that are not my own.

Talking in your sleep
Whispering unknown prayers
Calling out to me through your pain
Laughter in the midst of anguish
The sounds of your breathing
These are absent
Lost forever
Leaving me

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Moving along
Each day comes - one upon another
The rivers that raged only months ago
Have slowed to a winter pace
Not frozen but slower
More graceful
But still -
They move

The grief is slower
gentler in some ways
But it is still grief
The tears still fall
Tears that join the flowing water of time
And are lost
In its slow movement

Monday, February 20, 2012

I miss you today Tommy!

The light was filtering through the cobwebs of sleep and my mind was slowly wakening.
I did not miss you then.
You were there.
Your arms wrapped securely around me
your warmth bringing comfort and peace.
You were there.
My heart danced to music only we could hear
Your touch -
You were there.

The alarm intruded like a thief -
Breaking the windows of my dreams
stealing my peaceful sleep.
My mind jumped and started.
There were no arms around me.
No warm comfort or peace.
No music drifted through my heart
You were not there.
I missed you then.

I miss you today Tommy.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

Lest I forget
Leave it behind
The words forgotten
My soul turned blind
I shall carve them on my heart
Burn them in my mind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

The mountains seem formidable
The valleys deep and dark
My path may seem impassable
But those words
Carved on my heart
Burned in my mind
Serve to remind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

He lights my path through darkness
Makes safe the way I go
It is HIS voice that leads me
In places I do not know
When I stumble
Start to fall
I grab the hand He offers
And steady on I go

There is nothing that is impossible to God.
I know it to be true
For life has dealt me blow upon blow
And steady on - Still I go
I may stumble
Briefly fall
But God has made it possible
I live - to live again - to live forever - to see - for eternity - His love for me.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Up and down with the ocean swells
My emotions have traveled far
A joyful song fills my heart
Then crashes to the ground
Up again then down we go
In never-ending repetition

Does it seem wrong to those who watch
Who see from shoreline berths
Who peek through windows small and round
At life outside their walls

Do not care
Do not worry
God has me in his grasp
Up and down
Life rages on
Emotions teetering on high precipice
Then falling in cascading ground

Do no worry
I do not
God has me
I am safe
God has my front, my back, my soul
He has me part and whole

I may get bumped around a bit
But God has kept me safe
Fear within is conquered best
When I remember and simply rest.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Take care of me. I am sick and there is no one to care for me. Valentines Day brought no flowers, or cards, or kisses. And I am not well. I fix my own dinner, clean up after the dogs, and keep things going. You used to have dinner ready on late days, flowers for no reason, and smiles all the time. Someone - take care of me. It is too tiring to care for myself. Who is going to care if I am sick at home? Who is going to sit on the bed and check my forehead for fever, keep the phones quiet while I sleep, or snuggle close to keep me safe. Take care of me. Love me.

I miss you Tommy.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I have loved you forever. Too long was spent not knowing or understanding the depth of that love. I love you. I love you. I love you. How can I love you when you are no longer here? Who cares! I love you. I love you. I love you.

Can you hear my heart cry? Can you know the sorrow that is trapped inside me? You were perfect for me and I failed to see it at first. I learned, I knew, I experienced it. Now you are gone. 17 months - and still I cry for you.

Tommy - I love you. I love you. I love you.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The sky is gray with clouds. Dark and light in uneven patterns that have been shaped by the winds that blow them. So like my life and my dreams. Combinations of dark and light, patterned by the events of years that have moved through and passed by.

Life was never pure light or total darkness. It has always been in patterns and combinations of them both. Days have come when light has been the defining portion. Joy filtered through moments and events. Laughter was ever present among even the tears. Looking back - you were the light. You brought the joy and laughter into my life. You filled it with your presence which pushed the darkness aside. Life's patterns of dark and light were brightened by you.

Now - the darkness returns. Your presence is not there to push it aside and bring light into my day. The patterns are darker. But not as they were before you. Your memory lives in me. It is that remembrance that continues to lighten the darkness. It is my turn to push the darkness aside. Your love makes it possible. My love for you. The future brings new patterns of dark and light. I push for the light. I push toward you.

I miss you. There are no other words to express it. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Our Granddaughter. She is a part of you. I see you in her. But even more, beloved of my heart, I see you in Joe. Your fierce love and protectiveness. It is there in the son you fathered. He loves her. He knows the pride you felt when you saw your son. He is you in many ways. You would be so proud of him.

As winter passes through - I think of you. Sitting by the fireplace, watching the flames in the darkness, I think of you. Although happiness has found me again - I miss you more than I could have known. As life filters through my mind I realize how many things I should have changed and cannot. Just know that I love you. I will always love you.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

,I Am Happy

I am happy.
What else is there to say?
I am happy.

I see your face in the pictures on the wall and
I am happy.

I see our son taking such good care of his wife and
I am happy.

I look at the students in my classroom and
I am happy.

I see the signs of our granddaughter growing, preparing to join me here and
I am happy.

Is it OK?
Is it OK Tommy - for me to be happy?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Zealous for God

Happiness incarnate
Reminder of dreams

Affirmation of God's love
New hope

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It is quiet now. The fire burns in its place. There is a fan working. Little to distract or remove you from my thoughts. We are going to have a granddaughter. She will be a part of you. Again I will be able to hold you in my arms. No - not the same. But I will teach her of you. She will learn of your great love for God and your quiet, gentle spirit. Your son will teach her your sense of humor. Your daughter-in-love of you patience and joy. She will be a part you lingering here for us to enjoy.

You are missed my gentle love. In the quiet times I can almost feel you.. Never Could I have believed that I would be without you or as alone as I feel today. It is not unhappiness that I feel beloved, just loneliness. You have made sure that I am cared for. By giving me the son we shared - you have left me some of your love to comfort and support me. But I am lonely.

When I laid in your hospital bed with you - I was not so lonely as now. You were there. You could not speak, or love, or share a quiet thought with me - but you were there. It was for me to love and give and share with you. You always took care of me - it became my turn to take care of you. When you left - the emptiness settled in. The loneliness exploded and its dark, horrible smoke filled my heart. Will it ever leave?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

January 10

Who are you? Where did you come from? The doors were barred shut and guards stood their vigil. How could you possibly get in? In every corner of my being - I can feel you. You are here. When happiness finds its way to my life you rise up like a raging dragon - flaming it out of existence. Ashes remain where joy began to grow. With you dwelling in my life - joy is bound and happiness finds no soil in which to grow. They sprout - they burn - you laugh. Ashes where there was once was life.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Being a Sieve.

Many know the grief of losing someone they love. I am no different than most of them. The memories of his laughter and love stay with me and greet each new day. They fill my nights - when I sleep. My loss - it can not be recovered. He is gone from this earth. My sorrow - waxes and wanes with each new day, each memory that surfaces, and the people I see.

Yes, I am doing well. I do not cry every day or all day. I do my job and laugh with friends. But don't be fooled. I grieve. Family gatherings are difficult but I am trying, making an effort to attend - to participate. I hate them all. They signify that people are happy and I am not. Jealousy fills me and I rage within. How dare they go on? How dare they laugh and dream and plan together? I am alone - and they just don't get it. The world should have stopped when his heart did. When my heart did. Their lives should have folded long before the flag was folded over him.

But it didn't. People keep moving. Every attempt I make to move on is hindered by my loneliness. As much as I want to move on and get somewhere in life - the memories invade and the emptiness of my bed, my arms, and my heart take over. This is not how I want it to be - but reality is what it is.

I am alone. And they are not. They celebrate their togetherness - while pain rips my heart to shreds. I love them. I want my family to be happy. But how? He is not with us. I am no longer whole. I am a sieve - straining life through me. It seems only the pain in large enough to be trapped within. Joy, happiness, peace, comfort, love - they go through me - and drain away into the dark. Life flows away as quickly as it comes.

Don't fret for me. I will go on. Over a year - I have gone on. Sometimes - I even felt happy. I am happy. It's just a new variety of happiness.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Who I Really Am

Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that school started for the year? A few days ago Tom died? Sometimes it seems like ages have passed and, at times such as now, that no time has passed at all. Feelings are right on my sleeve and the truth of who and what I am comes to the surface for awhile.

I am half a person. The joyful, happy part left with Tom. What was left behind is sadness, grief, and self pity. Who am I without the best part of me? As I struggle to answer the question - I continue to live as best I can. It isn't easy but I try.

There are days when I believe that life will work out well for me. At others - I am nothing but a shadow of who I was with him. Coming through the door brought a smile to his face. He loved me. He wanted me. Who else will ever feel that way?

I am alone and broken. But I keep trying.