Thursday, August 23, 2012

August 23

What's it all about Alfie?

Old song - same thoughts. What is it all about?

I am tired of trying to pretend that I love people. I don't. I love my siblings, my mother, my friends. But can't stand them at the same time. What's it all about - Becky?

My brother Clint is a prime example of a love/hate relationship. I loved him. He was my eldest brother. But I hated him - I was afraid of him. He was not always a nice person. He ruined my life. What was there to like? But - he was my brother. I loved him. In recent years - I almost like him sometimes - but there was always the memories in the back of my mind to keep me at arms length.

My sisters. The perfect ones. Those who make no mistakes and are always correct and I am always wrong. No matter what I think, or say, or do -- I will always be at fault or do something wrong - or say something wrong - or... there is no way around it. I truly love them. They aren't really perfect and they don't think they are - most of the time. But God help me - if I say something they don't like - or believe something they don't - or write something they don't agree with - I am the one with the problem.

My friends - God bless them. They let me be me - most of the time. They are much more forgiving and understanding than my family sometimes. But they aren't family. They are friends.

What's it all about - Becky?

I don't know what it's all about. Not really. However, I am tired. Tired of trying to keep peace, to be nice, to be polite, to be helpful, to be courteous, and to be something I am not. God help us all - I may not try any longer.

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