A Letter

Got a letter from the Navy today. They want to know if I have remarried yet? Tom has been gone for 4 months - have I remarried?????

My heart is shocked and broken. What a cruel letter to send at this time. I miss him so much. Life is not the same.

Missing

It snuck up on me today.
Had I really almost forgotten?
Is it possible that life seemed normal suddenly?
I almost forgot my heart, my best friend is missing from my day.
It snuck up - I remembered.
Sudden, intense, corrosive sadness.
Grief does not go away.
It hides in the quiet places that are easy to ignore for awhile.
It does not leave.
It grows in the darkness.
Steps out and bites.

Students

Their laughter makes my day so sweet.
Sitting eager to hear me speak - minds ready to listen - to try at least
My students - my helpers
Knowing they are there, knowing they need me
Makes my day doable even when the pain cuts like a knife
When tears threaten behind my smile
Being needed - wanted
I can
I will
They are saving my sanity for another day
Filling some of the hole corroding my heart.

A gift of a memory

Sometimes memories are painful. Often they bring joy. At times - it's both. A memory sweet upon my mind, a smile, a lift of the chin that speaks laughter. Bright eyes - impish - humor filled. Oh how I miss that smile.

Today - the memory was sweet. But tears filled the air - electricity between hearts. A memory shared.

Sweet Day.

Ocean Waves

Grief - like the waves of the ocean - comes
The waves crash on the broken shore of my heart
Then leave - taking me piece by piece in the crush of the receding waters.
Tides of grief have no schedule, no pattern, no predictor
There is no way to prepare for the huge waves the hurdle toward the shores of my life.
The tides of grief were so close together - lasted so long - never thought to survive the onslaught.
Time has slowed the changing tides. More low tides, more peaceful waters.
But I know, the crashing, crushing, destructive waves will return again.
Once more I will ride the waves onto the shore, maybe one day - I will ride on top of the wave - free to enjoy the wind in my face, sunshine glistening on the water. One day - One day

Friday - at last

The end of a good week at school but a week with new struggles emotionally. I was notified that the insurance company has agreed with the accidental death portion of the claim. It means a little more money - but still no Tom. I was also notified that my mother-in-law and father-in-law's ashes have been taken out on a Navy ship and will be buried at sea within a week or so.

Too many emotions. Have been crying more. I want my Tommy - but can't have him. Want my MIL - but can't have her. Want my Daddy - but can't have him either. Sometimes I feel very alone.

Pissed off

Fought with neighbors last night. Tom should have been here to deal with this. I am angry. They threaten me, they called me names, and Tom wasn't here to protect or stand up for me. I am pissed.

One day

A hole in my heart.
A hope in my soul.
Peace in the future.
One day - I'll be whole.

There is peace looming on the horizon. It seems far away - but I'll make it.
I think.

Family

I got a call from one of my mother-in-law's cousins. I had planned on writing and letting him know about Mom and Tom. But he called first. What a wonderful man he seems to be. Loving,gentle, and kind. He and his family all work in church related stuff. He is coming to visit his kids on the west coast and he is going to come see me as well. He and his family are praying for us. What a wonderful phone call. Thank you God for loving me when I feel so unlovable.

Saturday - at last

Last night was so hard. I cried more than I have in a week or two combined. Everything I had to do after work related to Tom or the lack of him. I was totally surprised that my neighbors didn't call the police when I started screaming. Of course, they were yelling already and probably didn't hear me.

My heart hurts.
Not like a sprain or a strain.
But like somebody is stabbing me with a sharp knife. Cutting through me. Exposing me. I feel exposed and broken. I have not healed yet. Oh God, why?

Wednesday again.

School is good for me but it is kickin my butt. I am so tired when I get home that almost nothing else gets done. Today must be different. There is no staying away from housework,laundry, and pets. Also still have school work to do tonight. If I can get through today - only two days till a three day weekend.

If Tom were here he would know how to prioritize everything. I don't. Just one thing and then the next. WHichever I see first, then next. It will all get done in the end.

Haven't posted in a couple of days. Hard to balance work and time on computer. So tired - I go to bed early or veg in front of TV staring blankly.

Sometimes I feel so lost with nobody in the house at night. Other times, I feel good. It is hard to relax sometimes. The dog is starting to feel comfortable enough to bark but not ready to protect yet. She is so abused and not ready to trust yet.

My heart is healing but I am not healed. I am still broken and my heart still aches. My students help - their laughter and stupid antics make my day. But - - sometimes I just want to stay home and hide out. Lonely.

Saturday

I missed a day. It will happen again. But Friday was a long tiring day and I wasn't ready to write anything.

Saturday - both dogs are bathed, groomed, and look fine. I knew that Shilah had a lot of white on her - but it was a muted, ugly white. Today - it is white. She is absolutely beautiful.

Although I talk/write of other things, I haven't forgotten Tom or Mom for a minute. Their presense in this house is so strong. I survived Thanksgiving. I survived Christmas. But how long will I survive with their shadows all around me? They are still a part of me and I miss them. It hasn't even been a year since Mom died, less than 4 months since Tom died. My heart is full of holes. God help me - I hurt still.

Thank you

Thank you Father for friends and friendly coworkers. Thank you for smiles and laughter. Thank you for students who accept that I am their teacher even after three months away from them. Thank you for assistants who make my day so much better. Thank you for loving me even when I am at my most unlovable. Thank you Father - for your son Jesus.

Emotional rollercoaster

Today, although a good day, has been a day of rollercoaster emotions. Love the kids, the staff, the work. Miss Tom more than I can say. He was my rock.

On a brighter? note - other neighbors are fed up with my next door neighbor. They have destroyed a car, had too many parties, too much drinking, threatening to fight with people. Things may get better here eventually. The owner of the house next door may have to find new renters. Others are pursuing charges against them and 'cousin' for totally his car.

I wish Tom were here to help me feel safe.

First Day Back

I'm back! School went well considering I have been out for 3 months. It was hard knowing I was coming home to house without Tom in it. He was always here for me. I will adjust.

Being back was good. People kept welcoming me back, smiling, and encouraging me. Never have I felt so appreciated and welcome at work. Thank you Jesus for Granite Pointe. I am going to have to make schedule changes to allow for testing and working with individual students on their goals. Overall - the subs did well for being gen ed teachers. There are some things that work in gen ed that don't work in sped. But - they did good.

10:30pm

Work tomorrow. Nervous, scared, elated. Can't sleep but will be OK tomorrow. Tommy - I miss you so much.You gave me strength to do this everyday. You encouraged me. You took care of me. You elevated me to heights I had never known before. You have been gone 3 months - tomorrow I go back without you home - praying for me, supporting me. I don't know if I can do it without you. Be with me. I love you.

Three Months

Three months ago last night - I lost Tom. It was a difficult night then and now. How could I have planned or prepared for this? I had no idea what it would be like or how I would feel. My feelings are as changeable as the weather sometimes. Up and down on the wings of memories. A reminder here, a reminder there. I miss him so much.

January 1st

I finally found a new dog. They called her Shiloh - I have called her Shilah. She needs a lot of love.

My neighbors need to be arrested and I am doing my best to make it happen. I have been kept awake or awakened enough. Tonight - breaking glass, screaming, yelling. So much for sleeping. I need out of this house.