These are the Moments

These are the moments
Late in the night
surrounded by darkness
These are the moments
when loneliness flares up like a raging fire
burning everything in its path

My voice sounds through the darkness
no - there is no one to hear me
but still I speak
How I miss the soft replies
the second voice
You

These moments
I feel my loss differently
It isn't your arms holding me
that haunt me with their absence
No - it is the absolute silence
There are no human sounds
that are not my own.

Talking in your sleep
Whispering unknown prayers
Calling out to me through your pain
Laughter in the midst of anguish
The sounds of your breathing
These are absent
Gone
Lost forever
Leaving me
In
Silence.

Moving along
Each day comes - one upon another
The rivers that raged only months ago
Have slowed to a winter pace
Not frozen but slower
More graceful
Tameable
But still -
They move

The grief is slower
Softer
gentler in some ways
But it is still grief
The tears still fall
Unbidden
Unwelcome
Unwanted
Tears that join the flowing water of time
And are lost
In its slow movement
Forever

I miss you today Tommy!

The light was filtering through the cobwebs of sleep and my mind was slowly wakening.
I did not miss you then.
You were there.
Your arms wrapped securely around me
your warmth bringing comfort and peace.
You were there.
My heart danced to music only we could hear
Your touch -
You were there.

The alarm intruded like a thief -
Breaking the windows of my dreams
stealing my peaceful sleep.
My mind jumped and started.
There were no arms around me.
No warm comfort or peace.
No music drifted through my heart
You were not there.
I missed you then.

I miss you today Tommy.

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

Lest I forget
Leave it behind
The words forgotten
My soul turned blind
I shall carve them on my heart
Burn them in my mind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

The mountains seem formidable
The valleys deep and dark
My path may seem impassable
But those words
Carved on my heart
Burned in my mind
Serve to remind

There is nothing that is impossible to God.

He lights my path through darkness
Makes safe the way I go
It is HIS voice that leads me
In places I do not know
When I stumble
Start to fall
I grab the hand He offers
And steady on I go

There is nothing that is impossible to God.
I know it to be true
For life has dealt me blow upon blow
And steady on - Still I go
I may stumble
Briefly fall
But God has made it possible
I live - to live again - to live forever - to see - for eternity - His love for me.

Up and down with the ocean swells
My emotions have traveled far
A joyful song fills my heart
Then crashes to the ground
Up again then down we go
In never-ending repetition

Does it seem wrong to those who watch
Who see from shoreline berths
Who peek through windows small and round
At life outside their walls

Do not care
Do not worry
God has me in his grasp
Up and down
Life rages on
Emotions teetering on high precipice
Then falling in cascading ground

Do no worry
I do not
God has me
I am safe
God has my front, my back, my soul
He has me part and whole

I may get bumped around a bit
But God has kept me safe
Fear within is conquered best
When I remember and simply rest.

Take care of me. I am sick and there is no one to care for me. Valentines Day brought no flowers, or cards, or kisses. And I am not well. I fix my own dinner, clean up after the dogs, and keep things going. You used to have dinner ready on late days, flowers for no reason, and smiles all the time. Someone - take care of me. It is too tiring to care for myself. Who is going to care if I am sick at home? Who is going to sit on the bed and check my forehead for fever, keep the phones quiet while I sleep, or snuggle close to keep me safe. Take care of me. Love me.

I miss you Tommy.

I have loved you forever. Too long was spent not knowing or understanding the depth of that love. I love you. I love you. I love you. How can I love you when you are no longer here? Who cares! I love you. I love you. I love you.

Can you hear my heart cry? Can you know the sorrow that is trapped inside me? You were perfect for me and I failed to see it at first. I learned, I knew, I experienced it. Now you are gone. 17 months - and still I cry for you.

Tommy - I love you. I love you. I love you.