How Are You?

Friend: How are you?
Me: I'm OK.
Friend: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

Family: How are you?
Me: It's been a rough day but I'm OK.
Family: Good to hear.
Me: Thanks.

God: I know how you are.
Me: Father I am in so much pain. Sometimes I think I might be OK but it doesn't
last. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out while I breathe.
Other times I don't think I can breathe. The nights are long and filled with emptiness - the days are filled with forgetting and pretending. How long can it endure?
God: I am here always daughter.
Me: Thanks Daddy.

9am

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Moving through shadows and light
Day after day
Week after week
Month after month

One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Another day begins anew
Already I wish it done
But there are steps to take today
Places to go
Things to do
One foot - then the other
One foot - then the other
Step upon step
Step upon step
Moving forward - most of the time

Moving on

Away - that is where you are - where I will be
Away - not far - but too far for me - right now

It isn't pleasant without you here - sometimes the pain is more that I can bear
Your shadow is everywhere - I see you in your son's face - in his jokes - everyplace.
It doesn't seem fair somehow - that you are gone - and I am stuck right here.

You would be pleased with me I think. I have been stronger than I thought possible.
I have learned to laugh and cry at the same time.
Moving on - that's what they call it - moving on from where to where? Or is it just moving? I don't know.
But I am moving somewhere. There has been no chance to stand still and figure things out. It is just one step after the other and I find when I look back - I have moved on.

phoenix

From the ashes
life renews
gritty, determined, dusty
from the refuse
hope rebuilds
where once death prevailed
Out of the ashes - life
Out of life - Ashes
Great circles upon circles
ash upon ash
life

The Silence is Over

Did you see?
Did you hear?
The tearless silence is over.
Grief pours like a fiery river from my soul.
It burns as they flow down in rivulets from my eyes.

Tommy - sweet Tommy - I am lost
Everything here is right - but still wrong -
Did you see?
Did you hear?
Your memory fills me with joy - and sadness.
It is not possible to go on - pretending life is good.
Life is only an imitation now - a shadow - a misery.

I miss you.

Grief

I was wrong. I thought that grief was tears. It isn't! There is so much pain that I don't understand. Too much to handle - too much pain. There are no tears. Only pain that rips me in half and fills my soul with fire. Burn! Burn through the pain.Burn! Fire of grief. Cleanse me and fill me with hope.

Simple moments

A week has passed without tears. A week filled with thoughts of Tom and those things that made him happy, things we did together. A week without grieving and sadness. A moment of sad thought - followed by joy knowing that we will be together again. Simple moments that remind me of how he loved me and how he filled my life. Simple moments - but no tears.

Does it mean that I miss him less? No - it just means I didn't cry. Maybe it means that acceptance in coming closer. I don't know. I do know that I miss him greatly. But - I am OK.

Sometimes when I think of him I laugh. He had that effect on me. He loved to laugh and he shared it with me. He shared that sense of humor with his son also. Sometimes when Joe is saying something - I hear Tom. The voice - the thought process - the look.

For today - at least - I am OK.