He was satisfied

When it happened
though it was within and without me - still -
I know not how it happened .
For all that I do not know There is more that I do
. I am a child of God. He loves me. He has forgiven my sins.
When it happened I do know. could I have forgotten so soon?

2000 years ago on a cross I was forgiven.
He saw me from the cross. He saw me coming to Him.
He saw me - and was satisfied that He had done the right thing.
Were I the only one to call him Lord
The only one to seek Him,
To invite Him to dwell within me.
Were I the only one in history to seek his forgiveness-
Still -
He would have looked from the cross and been satisfied-
assured -
that His death had meaning
He was satisfied to save me.

Another Week of Peace

God has been merciful to me this year. This has been a year of hell - but it has now become a year of healing. Although living without Tommy is lonely and causes tears to flow, I have learned that it can be done. I have learned that loneliness will not kill me if I don't let it. God loves me and has a plan for my life that no longer includes Tom. It is time for me to discover what that is. In order to do that - I have to be open to what God is telling me. That - I am not good at. Learning to live alone in Joy - is a new thought - a concept for me. In the past - alone and joy did not go in the same sentence. Now - it must become a way of life or sadness will envelop my life and I will be lost. I am happy. For the first time in forever - I am happy and alone.

Praising

What a good day. Prayer and praise at church. An excellent message on missions. Lunch with Mom and Mary. It has been a day of praise. A day of joy. I have been so happy today. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy.

Thank You

It has been a difficult year filled tears, screaming, laughing at nothing, and so much more. It has also been filled with faithful friends and family. This is my chance to say Thank You to all those who made my loss a little more bearable.

Family who cried with me. Friends who prayed with me. Strangers who held me before the Lord without knowing who I am.

Mostly - I thank God for being the God of mercy, grace, and peace. Without family and friends this year would have been so much more difficult and I doubt I would have come as far as I have. Without God - I would be dead - inside and out.

Thank you all.

Day 1 - again

OK - I have finished the first day of a new year without Tom. It wasn't a bad day. Healing is coming. The weekend was difficult - but it was doable. Still missing Tom - but it will be a good year and a fruitful year.

Remember

One year ago - right now - I was in bed with Tom in a hospital. As I drank a glass of wine I watched tv and felt my husband breathing. A year ago - I knew it was almost over. A year ago - I was married. A year ago - I wasn't alone. A year ago - I wasn't laughing. Tonight - I am. Funny stuff on the tv. Pain in my heart. One year ago - I was dieing - now - I am alive.

It is getting close to the hour. It is getting closer to the moment when you left me. How can I go on? Tommy - Tommy - I miss you. 22 minutes and a year will have passed since you met Jesus in person. 20 minutes are left until the year has passed.

10 minutes. Is it strange that I am counting down? The countdown began a year ago. It hasn't stopped for a moment. I have counted every moment that he hasn't been with me. 8 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. A year in 5 minutes. I never thought I would live this long. Never believed I could survive. But- I did. And I will. 3 minutes. 1 minute. A year ago I didn't know you would be gone so soon. A year ago we were together. A year ago - a year ago - You're gone. Your body stopped. The breathing stilled. Good night my love. Good night.

One Year Gone

A year gone by. Tonight, I will have been alone - for a year. Times I thought would kill me passed through and were gone. Those times that uplifted - passed through and were gone as well.

I am still here. You are still gone. We are both where we should be.