Long day today. There was much to do in the classroom to get ready for school and much to do afterwards.
It has been a long journey since this time two years ago. I was trying to get ready for school while going to see Tom in the hospital. He had a blood clot in his leg and was having a very hard time. It all got done.
Tom was always supportive of my teaching career. He knew before I did that I would do well and enjoy it. He had faith in me. During this time of transition to a new school he was more so. For several years he tried to get me to leave my previous campus. Nothing had been right there since the beginning. When I finally made that decision and left - he was so happy for me. Tom knew everything would work out well.
Even from his hospital bed - he cheered me on. He would ask what I was doing and what I thought of my fellow teachers as I met them. He wanted all the facts. It was a difficult time - but a good one. We were still actively involved in each other's days and happy. I never could have imagined what was coming.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
August 12
Can't sleep tonight.
Can you hear me Tom?
Can you see what I have become?
Have you whispered in my ear and I missed it?
Did you talk to God about me today?
Can you hear me Tom?
I miss you.
Missing the warmth of your body as it lays next to mine at night.
Missing the soft touch that could thrill me.
Missing your gentleness that got me through the tough days.
Missing you.
Can you hear Tom?
Did you know that Clint died?
Did you know how little and how much it hurt?
Talk to God for me,
Tell Him I need hope.
I need prayer.
I need you.
Can you hear me Tom?
Needing you so desperately.
Needing you to be by my side - urging me forward.
Needing you to listen to my heart cry.
Needing you.
I love you.
Can you hear me Tom?
Can you see what I have become?
Have you whispered in my ear and I missed it?
Did you talk to God about me today?
Can you hear me Tom?
I miss you.
Missing the warmth of your body as it lays next to mine at night.
Missing the soft touch that could thrill me.
Missing your gentleness that got me through the tough days.
Missing you.
Can you hear Tom?
Did you know that Clint died?
Did you know how little and how much it hurt?
Talk to God for me,
Tell Him I need hope.
I need prayer.
I need you.
Can you hear me Tom?
Needing you so desperately.
Needing you to be by my side - urging me forward.
Needing you to listen to my heart cry.
Needing you.
I love you.
Monday, August 6, 2012
August 6
Happy Birthday Amanda - my beloved daughter-in-love.
I wonder sometimes if she understands how special she is and what an answer to prayer she has been.
Tom and I prayed for Joe's wife from the time he was a young child. We prayed for a Godly woman who would complement Joe and fulfill his dreams. God heard and answered us. Amanda is exactly what Joe needs and their love is real and growing.
Happy Birthday Amanda.
I wonder sometimes if she understands how special she is and what an answer to prayer she has been.
Tom and I prayed for Joe's wife from the time he was a young child. We prayed for a Godly woman who would complement Joe and fulfill his dreams. God heard and answered us. Amanda is exactly what Joe needs and their love is real and growing.
Happy Birthday Amanda.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
August 5
Another day.
As I sit reading the paper and drinking my morning coffee, my Lizzy Dog lays beside me looking at me periodically with those big Boston Terrier eyes. She loves me and needs me as I need her. We are good together. Reading the paper doesn't always take two hands - one drops to my side and rubs her belly or scratches behind her ear. We are content.
I have so much that flies around my mind that sometimes I forget to just sit and relax. To calm myself and allow all of the clutter to fly right out of me and enjoy the moment. Lizzy Dog is good for that.
Right now - I am going to drink another cup of coffee and reflect on the days ahead - leaving the past behind me.
As I sit reading the paper and drinking my morning coffee, my Lizzy Dog lays beside me looking at me periodically with those big Boston Terrier eyes. She loves me and needs me as I need her. We are good together. Reading the paper doesn't always take two hands - one drops to my side and rubs her belly or scratches behind her ear. We are content.
I have so much that flies around my mind that sometimes I forget to just sit and relax. To calm myself and allow all of the clutter to fly right out of me and enjoy the moment. Lizzy Dog is good for that.
Right now - I am going to drink another cup of coffee and reflect on the days ahead - leaving the past behind me.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
August 4
The days have been so difficult lately. It seems that for every step forward traveled I am thrown back three or four. Feeling lost is almost the norm now.
What am I grieving? Mom, Tom, Clint? My childhood, my dreams, my hopes. All are gone. There is nothing for me here right now. There will be again - I am sure. But when I do not know.
Tears fall so often, my head hurts and my eyes swell. Tonight - is calm but the storm blew through earlier. Grief upon grief - loss upon loss.
What am I grieving? Mom, Tom, Clint? My childhood, my dreams, my hopes. All are gone. There is nothing for me here right now. There will be again - I am sure. But when I do not know.
Tears fall so often, my head hurts and my eyes swell. Tonight - is calm but the storm blew through earlier. Grief upon grief - loss upon loss.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Preparing
It has been too long since I have written or visited this blog. My focus has been missing. Too much happening in life. Too much to think about and too few brain cells to do it right.Tonight I am back. Tonight I start again - blogging and living.
My brother, Clinton, departed this life July 7th at approximately 7:30 in the morning. He was content. Not afraid of death or of his future. People say he was "ready". I must believe that or lose my sanity. Did he know where he was going when he died? Did he know Jesus? Only he and God know. It is not for me to judge. Judgement belongs to God.
What will the judgement bring to us all? My life has been filled with sin and deceit. Not enough with the love that Jesus shared and commanded us to share with others. My life does not warrant heaven with Jesus. My life deserves hell. When I die and face the judgment that will follow - the Lord, my God should decree an eternity in hell. That is what life deserves. What my life deserves. But when God, our Father, the Creator of all things looks at me - He will see His own son, Jesus. Like a coffee cup with the dregs sitting in the bottom - the sins of my life - God will look - but the purity of Christ's sacrifice will cover that sin - like a piece of white paper placed over the coffee cup hides the dregs at the bottom.
Jesus died for my sins and I have never truly appreciated that. Never has his sacrifice dwelt deeply in my mind and heart. Tom died without fear. He knew who he was and who was waiting for him. Tom knew and served the Lord Jesus with all his heart and soul. I have not.
Life has been a daily struggle between faith and death. Still I struggle but faith will win. God's love will win. I will win.
How to reach those who do not see? Who do not know? Who follow a false god? I do not know. Jesus will have to help prepare me to do that. There is nothing I can say. Nothing I can do to change anything a person believes. But Christ speaking through me can do that.
God - help me to prepare.
My brother, Clinton, departed this life July 7th at approximately 7:30 in the morning. He was content. Not afraid of death or of his future. People say he was "ready". I must believe that or lose my sanity. Did he know where he was going when he died? Did he know Jesus? Only he and God know. It is not for me to judge. Judgement belongs to God.
What will the judgement bring to us all? My life has been filled with sin and deceit. Not enough with the love that Jesus shared and commanded us to share with others. My life does not warrant heaven with Jesus. My life deserves hell. When I die and face the judgment that will follow - the Lord, my God should decree an eternity in hell. That is what life deserves. What my life deserves. But when God, our Father, the Creator of all things looks at me - He will see His own son, Jesus. Like a coffee cup with the dregs sitting in the bottom - the sins of my life - God will look - but the purity of Christ's sacrifice will cover that sin - like a piece of white paper placed over the coffee cup hides the dregs at the bottom.
Jesus died for my sins and I have never truly appreciated that. Never has his sacrifice dwelt deeply in my mind and heart. Tom died without fear. He knew who he was and who was waiting for him. Tom knew and served the Lord Jesus with all his heart and soul. I have not.
Life has been a daily struggle between faith and death. Still I struggle but faith will win. God's love will win. I will win.
How to reach those who do not see? Who do not know? Who follow a false god? I do not know. Jesus will have to help prepare me to do that. There is nothing I can say. Nothing I can do to change anything a person believes. But Christ speaking through me can do that.
God - help me to prepare.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
June 26
It isn't every day that I feel good. Today - I do. Work was good, dinner with friends, and now quiet at home with Lizzy Dog. Today I feel almost free from the constant pain that has made life so difficult. I feel good.
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