New Years Evening

I have tried to pack boxes but all I do is cry. I am alone tonight for the first time ever. This really sucks. Time to get drunk and forget. I'm not sure there is enough wine to make me forget how it was.

This too shall pass. But my night is so hard.

Going Nuts for Love

It isn't what it sounds like. I took my daughter-in-love to pick out her Christmas present - a bike. I wanted her with me so that she could pick what she wanted and what would fit her well. If Tom were here - he would have taken her to the local cycle shop and let her pick what she wanted. Price would not have mattered. It's what I did. The bike she picked was perfect for her. Hot pink, basket on the front, comfortable. After she rode off home and Joe took off to follow her, I talked to Tom.

I did what Tom would have done and it made me cry. Missing him has not stopped. I don't cry all the time - but days like today make me miss him so much. He would have made wise cracks about the bike and had everybody laughing. He knew how to make life fun. He went nuts for love. We were one person. So today - I went nuts for love. I love him and I love her.

Theme for the new year

When I saw my counselor, he wanted to know what my theme was going to be for 2011. After considerable thought, I think it is coming together. It won't be anything simple - lose 11 pounds in 2011. It has to be more 'me'.

Theme for the new year - it must be about being open to new thoughts and ideas. So many things have changed this year that next year will bring many opportunities to recreate my life. I must find the new 'normal'. It has to include allowing myself to change or delete old ideas. It isn't enough to allow new ones - I must adapt the old ones.

It has been a year of endings, deaths, pain. Something in 2011 must bring life, beginnings, and joy.

Coffee, paper, and a nonsucky day

Another day that doesn't suck. This makes several in a row. In fact, today is better than most. Coffee and paper with puppy in lap this morning. She wanted to help me read the paper which doesn't work too well. She likes to help me on the computer too. She loves me. I am devoted to her. She brings a fun kind of laughter to my heart that I have missed for so long.

I need to start thinking seriously about getting this house in order. I have let it go so badly. Time to change. It's a bit overwhelming but Lizzy and I can do it. I will clean and she will drag things around and mess things up. A perfect partnership.

New Grief

I have lost my wig. Now this is a major loss. I have checked the back yard in case the puppy got it - not there. I have checked everywhere in the house she might have dragged it - nope. This is a mystery and a grief. I loved that wig.

It is easy to see that life is getting better. I feel so much more alive. Part of me feels guilty because I am finding joy without Tom. I loved him. I love him. But I am alive and it can't always be sad. Days will come when sadness will rise to the top. But not today. I am going wig hunting in the house. Today I will laugh at the antics of a boston terrier puppy. I will drink coffee and maybe get another game of scrabble with Mom and Mary. Today - I will live in joy.

Today

Yesterday was Christmas. It was a day for hope, love, and joy. Although I have been so sad and filled with grief, today was different. My sister gave me my husband's quilt. She had taken his favorite Hawaiian shirts and made of cover for the table at his memorial service. It is now the most beautiful quilt. Although I cried when I saw it. It was not grief or sadness. I just missed him and was holding a part of him in my hands. It was happy tears. God bless my sister.

Something has changed in me. Although it may change again, grief may bring tears, today I am happy. My puppy makes me laugh. My heart isn't heavy. I miss my kids at school. It is time to go on with life. Times will come when this isn't how I feel. But I will accept what I have today for what it is - - what I have today.

Christmas

Merry Christmas!

What gifts do I have for a king today? Jesus - I give you my joy and my laughter, my hope and my praise. To you I give my sorrow, my grief, and my heartbreak. I give you me. Not just part of me - all of me.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

I know this will not be an easy day. But it will be a good day. My wonderful, amazing family will be there. My daughter-in-love, my son, my mother, my brothers and sisters. Jesus will be there. With Him, I can handle all things.