I have thought that writing would make the pain easier to bear. Make reality easier to handle. It does neither. Writing helps me to see where the pain is and express in a manner that is safe. Those that read it do so because they choose it. It is not forced on them by my raging emotions, shouting and forcing them to listen. This is safe for others. Maybe even safe for me.

Easter

This was the day the Lord had made. I did not rejoice and I was not glad in it.

I cried
screamed
hated you for leaving me
The light in the kitchen broke
The mailbox has to be replaced
The doorknob from the kitchen the to garage broke -
I couldn't get my car.

You abandoned me.
You left me alone
And I hated you - today.

These are your jobs.
Things that you were good at.
Things I did not want to do.

I fixed the light as best I can.
The neighbor replace the doorknob.
The new mailbox is in the garage.

It will all get done
without you

I hate you sometimes
I hate that you left me
I hate that I live without you

I miss you

Capacious Memories

I made it
Wasn't sure I could
But the mountains and trees reminded me
Of God's eternal presence

I am not alone
Though you are not here
Never have I been less alone
God has made His presence known

Though tears fell
They were not the tears of a shattered life
A broken dream
Or foolish regrets
They were the tears of capacious memories
One upon another they came
of laughter
happy moments together
ridiculous
quiet
comforting
delightful
hopeful
treasured memories of a life shared in that place
and every place
we shared

Thank you for being a part of my life
for being my life
for filling my memories

I love you

Sadness

Spring Break
Going to Angels Camp this weekend
2-3 days in our favorite condos
I won't be alone
But I won't be with you
There is a sadness that is overwhelming at times

Called for an appointment with the counselor
Our anniversary is almost here
He won't be in
I can get through this
Just hate doing without him

Our anniversary
We would have gone to Angels Camp or San Diego
We would have been married over 30 years
We would have together for 39
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

Moods and Mama

It has been a moody up and down kind of weekend. Had trouble last week also. It has taken me completely by surprise that it has been two years since Mama died. My mother-in-law was one of the greatest women. She knew how to enjoy life regardless of what it threw at her. She survived polio twice. She lived the last years of her life in horrible pain. Her shoulder replacement hurt every time she moved it. She had a new knee, a bar in her wrist, and, at the end, had her right arm rebuilt by an awesome surgeon after a fall in my home destroyed it.

Mama laughed. She knew joy in each breath. Her favorite birthday was the Star Wars party (She was 88). I loved her. Through her I was able to smile even when going to work became unbearable torture. She was there when I got home. She and Tom made life special. She loved me and called me her daughter. I was. I am.

Mama died 2 years ago this past Friday. Friday the 23rd day of March 2012.

I remember you! Thank you for loving me.

Meatloaf and Rings

Meat, veggies, egg, cheese - all in a bowl
I take off my ring and set it in a dish on the windowsill
Suddenly, I am back in time

Sitting in an interview with Tom
An interview for his license with the Assemblies of God.
He was so nervous
As was I

"Mrs. Weyant, I notice that you are not wearing a wedding ring and your husband is.
Is there a reason for that?"

I look at my hand and realize the ring isn't there.
"Yes", I respond. "I was preparing a meatloaf.
When I do that, I take the ring off and set it in a heart shaped dish in the windowsill.
I don't want it to get covered in meat and egg.
When I am done, I put it back on. We were in a hurry, I must have forgotten...."

Never forgotten...

Little reminders
Voices long past
Whispers of hope
Till I see you - at last.

life Going On

Life goes on
The rain comes and goes
The sun rises and sets
Day to night
Night to day
Heat and cold
Wet and dry
Life goes on.

Life goes on
I am not stationary
Life moves and I move
Night to day
Day to night
Moving on is part of life
just as death
is part of life
I move on
Life moves on

It seems strange