December 31

What a wonderful season this has been. I have found peace in the love of this season. My family and friends have shown me great love. God has shared his love and peace with me. My future is ahead and I see it as bright and hopeful.

December 12

I am honored to have the family I do. Already, they have agreed to come to the cemetery on Saturday to place a Christmas wreath on Tom's grave. Not being able to be in crowds alone is difficult. What a wonderful family I have.

Tommy, they loved you. I think we all miss you. Especially me.

December 12

Saturday I will place a Christmas wreath on Tom's grave. I can't go alone so I have invited my siblings and my children. Crowds and I don't get along too well when I am alone. With my family by my side - I will honor my husband with a Christmas Wreath. I love him so. This will be stepping outside of my comfort zone. But, it will be OK.

December 9

Do you know what it is like to wake up in the morning and think of nothing? Or, like me, are your thoughts crowded by people you love and care about? What about children,spouses,friends? The weather? What you are going to wear? Housework undone? Pets to be fed and groomed. The lawn - what about the lawn. Are there weeds to pull? Gardens to water?

There are so many things in life that crowd in when I wake up in the morning. My life is full and mostly enjoyable. There is hardly a second that has no thought in it. But, today - Tom was not one of them. I did not think about him until later. I was up, working, dressed, had my coffee, working on a friend's curtain when it hit me - I hadn't thought of Tom yet. This may be a good thing.

December 1

A new month. December. This is not an easy month for me. Life keeps going and my struggles are lost in season. No tears - no sadness. This is a season on joy and it is what I want my kids and my granddaughter to know from me. Joy in the presence of God. No, Tom is not here and I weep with the thought of it. I miss him each holiday, each night when I go to bed, and each morning when I awaken. He is never missing in my heart. But there must be joy again for those around me and for me. How can I go on grieving though holidays that make others happy and used to fill me with joy. It is time to let go a little more. I love my family. I want to be a part of that again.

November 25

Dear God,

So many of my neighbors are going to lose their homes to the freeway. It is a necessary development but I struggle with the loss of this wonderful neighborhood. Although they will not take my house - they will take the houses of 310 families. They will destroy the homes of senior adults at the church's senior residences. They will destroy a school that has held You up to be worshiped and glorified. Dear God - help them all.

What can I do - to be of service in this time? What words can I say? Help me to remember to pray for them all. To pray for peace and guidance for all involved.

Thank you Father for the joy you have given me in this time. For a day spent in fellowship with my family. A day of giving thanks. It is the first holiday since Tom went home that I have stayed though it all. I prayed for joy and strength - and you heard my cry. You filled me with joy in your presence and strength for the day. Today, I come in thanksgiving for Your providence. For Your Joy. For Your hope. I thank YOU for all of it.

I love you Lord. Help me to love more and be faithful to You - always.

November 21

Today is Thanksgiving Eve. Not notable in itself I guess. But for me - it is a series of days and thoughts that come together - in memories.

Ten years ago tonight - Tom had a massive migraine that caused stroke-like symptoms. He was 'bone cold'. I rushed him to the ER, they rushed him back, and then upstairs. He was medicated and treated for a stroke. It is almost funny - even now - that after that - he always wanted to turn left. We laughed about that often.

Thanksgiving Eve - after that - we always gave thanks that he had lived and laughed again. We understood that we had come close to losing what we had. We loved each other and could not imagine life alone. We gave thanks for our son, Joe, and all that he meant in our lives. He was our joy and the apple of his daddy's eye. In recent years, we added Amanda to that Thanksgiving list. She is the best woman for our son. Amanda immediately took to Tom and made his last years more pleasant. She helped care for his Mom and the love was mutual.

Thanksgiving Eve - tonight- I try again to give thanks for what Tom and I had and for what I still have. It is not so easy any more. I still have Joe and I am thankful for him. Amanda is ever by his side - I am thankful for her still. Today - we have Zoe- the granddaughter that Tom always prayed for.

However, Tom is no longer here. He has gone home to Jesus and is happier that he ever could have been on this earth. I try to be thankful for that. But it is hard. I must learn to be thankful in all things - at all times.

Thank you Jesus for loving me. Thank you for helping me to get through the difficult things of life. Thank you for walking beside me when I feel alone. I love you. I thank you for loving me.

I am filled with thanks.